Dreams At 23; Reality At 33… Life Happens

IMG_0001I remember being 23 and feeling like I had all the answers. I was a year away from being a Civil Engineer, smiled a lot, thought I knew exactly what I wanted. 33 seemed like a lifetime away but when I saw 33 I saw a wife, a couple children, a career, stability. I was a “good guy,” you know the type. Never in any trouble, parents liked me, always did what was right. I was happy but it’s hard to explain what happiness feels like when it was a mirage. I figment of my imagination.

I hate math, I hate numbers so why was I going to be an engineer? I hate test, I’ve never tested well but I picked a career where in order to succeed you have to take and study for countless test. It made no sense but it felt right.

Sitting at my desk at 4:30am, the house quiet, not hearing or feeling any sounds other than my fingers hitting my keyboard those 23 year old ambitions feel like a lifetime ago. Instead of building homes or bridges I build people, I use words to tell stories that I hope make someone smile, cry, laugh, get aroused, want to fight. I’m not sure I know what happy is anymore or where to find it but I know this path is where I’m supposed to be.

Nothing is happening how I planned it and that scares the hell out of me. I’m the guy that washes dishes and makes up my bed before I go to work in the morning. I pause television shows before dramatic scenes to prepare myself like I know the characters on the screen. I read novels and send personalized emails to the authors thanking them for giving the world their art.

There’s a chance I’ll never have a Christmas tree in my home again. There’s a chance my children will never know what it is to sit on the front porch with their hands over their eyes while I plug in the Christmas lights for the first time. Something I did with my grandmother since I was old enough to remember. This time of year when the leaves start to change and the weather gets cooler I feel so far removed from who I was at 23. It’s a good thing and it’s a terrifying thing.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve come home from work and walked into a house with food cooking and that smell making me miss home. There’s so many days I just sit in my driveway and wonder if this is where I’m supposed to be. No one knows my innermost thoughts. People would rather group chat or text or be on social media than sit on the back of a truck drinking a beer or whiskey and talking about life. I hold my secrets and fears close to my heart because that’s the world we live in.

Questioning if I’m any better than the people that choose the love and attention of strangers on social networks just because I choose wordpress or novels. I fear for my sanity, for my health, for my happiness.

Just some random thoughts from a guy that can’t sleep and is craving a breakfast that doesn’t consist of leftover food from last night. I’ll sip this drink and go make that happen. Thanks for reading if you are.

Love Is Simple, People Are Difficult

20131223-062536.jpg Love Is Simple, People Are Difficult

How does a person make you feel when they walk into a room? Do you smile without trying when you see their name on your phone? If you don’t talk to them for a day do you get worried, nervous? That’s love, love is involuntary and simple.

Trying to control love, trying to control who you love is like trying to control the way the current of a river moves. It’s like trying to control the weather in Houston in the winter. You don’t control it, you live with it. It controls you.

We make love difficult because love makes us vulnerable. We put stipulations and requirements on who we should love and how we should love when it’s simple. Our hearts and spirits do that for us.

There’s this country song where the hook is, “I don’t want to make love, I want to make love last.” I thought that was a great hook but I didn’t understand it. If you’re making love aren’t in love? Isn’t that what separates fucking and making love? Then it hit me, making love even if you’re in love is just an action. Making love last means its more then the physical but the mental, spiritual and emotional parts of us that we sink into the objects of our desires.

The moment we choose to stop making love difficult and embrace that it’s most perfect when it’s simple is the moment we’ll find the happiness that eludes us.

Demez W.

Late Night Thoughts…

I often wonder what’s the matter with me?

What is it about me that pushes people away?

I’m sitting here and I can’t stop thinking about why I’m not in bed with someone. The dating, the randomness, the same conversations over the same drinks at the same restaurants. It’s just getting old and I’m losing my mind.

Slowly but surely I’m losing my mind.

My grandparents are having their 50th Anniversary dinner tomorrow, I’ll be there dateless and thinking that even if I get married on Sunday the odds of us being married for 50 years are slim. The odds that I’ll ever get married are looking slim.

No woman has ever said I wasn’t a good man or a good person but they all say the same thing, ‘Demez, you’re just so withdrawn, afraid to commit.’ I wish they were wrong but the truth is they aren’t. I am afraid to commit because I’m not like most guys.

And I’m aware that most men say that but I’m actually serious, I love women and I take every woman I’ve ever dated or slept with or loved so seriously. The last two women I talked to and it went bad it almost broke me; I honestly don’t know how I made it. I suppose the grace of God.

 I just can’t do that again, I can’t be that into someone and it doesn’t work out because I’ll lose it. My passion makes me a great writer and a good friend and a son and brother and cousin that people can always depend on. But it has a downside, a dark side. My passion can be so deep and involved that it scares people.

It scares me…

I don’t call people or text people or write on FB walls to make claims. I’m not built like that. So when I fall I have all this energy, all this love, all these words and I put my pride to the side. But now I’m just starting to think none of it is worth it anymore.

I used to think my biggest fear in life was not being successful or not having a son. My biggest fear is that no one will mourn for me when I die, that no woman will keep me in her heart when that day comes. That scares me to death.

I’ll crash and burn sooner than later. I just hope I find peace of mind before that happens.