I’m Demez and I’m Having A Midlife Crisis

“It took me becoming “midlife” to realize what midlife crisis really meant. It isn’t losing your mind or chasing your youth; it’s getting to an age where your responsibilities outweigh your passions and you have to decide to give them up.” – Lennox’s Dad

A midlife crisis isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t some emotional or mental breakdown where you feel unstable or ashamed. It’s a crossroads moment that every man and woman deal with. It’s that moment where you decide to either settle into a comfortable living and forget about your dreams or you keep pushing and risking the future of your family. 35-40 is that age where you have to decide, do I keep working for a company I hate because I need that retirement or do I not take that promotion because the more hours I spend here, the less hours I can devote to my craft. It’s a real question and it’s a crisis in the middle of your life.

When I was younger I’d see the guy that was about to turn forty and he’d have a little grey coming in, his hair was going away and he’d go get that sports car or motorcycle. Everyone would whisper or joke with him, “Look at Bill, going through a midlife crisis.” I told the same jokes.

When you’re 18 or 21 and feel like you have everything planned out, it isn’t that you think 35 or 40 is old, it’s that you think it’ll be different for me when I get there. I’ll have my dream home and dream car and be a bestselling writer. I won’t settle or give up on my dreams. And then life happens, bills pile up which means you have to take a promotion you don’t want to make more money. That promotion comes with more hours at work. Maybe you have a child or get married and now you’re responsible for lives. Instead of investing that thousand dollars into your passion, you have to save it in case your child gets sick or your woman’s transmission goes out. And slowly you start to realize you haven’t done what you loved in days, then in becomes weeks, then you stop all together and start to focus on your “career.”

There’s this point where it hits you, it has to, I can only speak for myself obviously but very few people were dreaming about making 50k with good benefits when they were twenty two. Your dreams were probably so much bigger than that.

The real definition of a midlife crisis isn’t chasing youth or feeling old. It isn’t seeing grey in your beard or hair and dying it. A midlife crisis is being 35 or 40 and looking up and realizing you’ve been at that job you hate for 5 years and you convince yourself that you may as well work 5 more for the benefits. A midlife crisis is not finishing that book or not starting that food truck because you have to choose responsibility over passion. Imagine dreaming about becoming someone your entire life and now you realize that may never happen. That’s a crisis of life.

Why do you think so many people in our age bracket are walking alcoholics? Our generation makes fun of crackheads and the old guys that get a 40 after work but we’re worse. We literally invented days just to drink. Brunch and Mimosas, Taco Tuesday, Steak and Beer Thursday. The drinking, the fear of commitment, the starting a new relationship and abandoning your family, that’s because we’re going through midlife crisis’s and don’t know it. We look at that as something that happens when you’re 50, not 35 but how many people do you know that die at a 100? I can name you a bunch that die at 70.

All I’m saying is, don’t let obligation or responsibility stop you from pursuing your passions. If you have to take that new job that means you’ll be working 7 days a week, sacrifice your football games or social media time and chase your dreams. Do not let life rob you of what you love because that’s what “we’re supposed to do.” Keep pushing, keep putting out content, keep believing in yourself.

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There’s A Difference Between Being Selfish and Doing What’s Best For You

Don’t let people try and make you feel guilty or selfish because you don’t want to go along with their wishes or agenda. Children are a perfect example of this, especially in work environments. Do you know how often I’ve had men come to me and say, “My son has a game this weekend or my wife can’t pick the kid up from daycare so I can’t work late. I know you don’t have kids so can you stay?” If you say no people look at you like, “Oh my God, you’re so selfish.” How am I selfish because you and your wife didn’t plan better? Why is you having to pay a late fee at the daycare anymore important that me wanting to watch Netflix and take off my pants?

Having a sick mother or a grandmother that can’t drive and you can ask for some help financially but you can’t pick her up to take her to the grocery store, that’s selfish. Putting your mother in a elderly community where they have doctors, resources, where she won’t have to be at home by herself all day; maybe people judge you for that. But sometimes doing what’s best for you and being a little selfish go hand in hand.

We’re all somewhat selfish even if our selfishness is rooted in selflessness. Say someone works at a shelter and they feel as though people aren’t donating enough. Isn’t it sort of selfish and a little arrogant to feel like a person should not buy a plane ticket or a new coat but instead donate that money to the homeless? It’s their money, they worked for it, whether they want to throw it at strippers or spend it on a steak, that’s their right. And if they only want to give 20 dollars to your cause, so be it. Unless it’s family or someone that has been there for you; very few people owe you anything.

Society has a way of making you feel like doing what’s best for you is selfish. Your family is struggling, your brother lost his job, your sister is depressed; so you have to turn down a dream job to stay home and help. You have to give up on your dreams because it would be selfish to not be there. In 10, 20 years when you’ve realized that you haven’t lived the life you wanted because you were so busy taking care of everyone else; that regret will eat you alive. What so many people fell to realize is that you can help the ones you love so much more by being selfish. By building and growing and in the end you help them build and grow. As opposed to all of you struggling together.

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Author Demez F. White

Stop Dating Guys Prettier Than You

 

 You can log onto the internet any time of the day and find a post or two or four million about dating or marriage. Most of them focus on the why; why aren’t people getting married, why are people getting divorced, why, why, why. There are smarter people than me that research that and can give you great answers that go to the core of whatever perceived problem there is. According to some people there’s no problem at all.

Like I mentioned above, this isn’t about that, this is merely about what makes a man a man? And guys that take pride in being pretty usually make lousy boyfriends. I know someone will read this and think I’m attacking men that like to look good or take pride in their appearance but understand this; I have zero issue with grooming or cologne or making sure your edge up and outfit is on point when you leave the house. I do however have issue with men that want to be prettier than the women they date.

How do you know a guy wants to be prettier than you? What are the signs?

One- He lets you do things that men should naturally want to do. He doesn’t take out the trash when it’s sitting by the door, he doesn’t just go wash your car when he sees it’s dirty, he doesn’t take bags out of your hand when you walk in from the grocery store. There’s a chance he’s not doing it because he just lacks home training but if he’s a pretty guy he’s not doing it because he doesn’t think he has to. That’s worse.

Two- He thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants because you’re “lucky to have him.” You want to know something about men that demand loyalty and respect? We don’t have to demand loyalty and respect. Our actions will make that woman follow us because she wants to, because she feels good when she does. Look at the guy that is constantly taking selfies with his tight shirts or “the sun is in my eyes” eye squint. Look at the guy that has to remind you incisively of his social status or financial status; they all have one thing in common. They want you to know they’re important, they’re desired. See, I was raised to believe men shouldn’t have to do anything but the right thing and everything else will fall into place.

Three- Seeking attention when they can’t get it from you. Now I guy doesn’t have to be “prettier than you” in order to cheat or lie but what’s his intentions? I know men that work outside 12 hours a day and love female attention but it’s usually because they love sex or just being around women. That’s different than a man that needs constant reassurance. Those guys are dangerous because they’ll never be happy with themselves and in turn won’t be able to make you happy.

Four- Guys that simply think, “I’m the catch.” I’ve always lived be the premise that women love hard so as a man I should treat the woman I’m with like she’s a gift from God because she’s going to treat me like that regardless once her heart is in it. When she walks into a room other men are going to look, other women are going to admire, that’s a feeling I cherish. Knowing she’s the sun and I’m just a planet that’s lucky enough to revolve around her. When guys feel as though, “I’m me, look at me, you need to be thankful.” They’ll never get it.

Relationships fail for plenty of reasons, there’s no formula for success or failure but there has to be a baseline in which gender roles and mutual respect flourish. Men aren’t meant to be afraid of hard work or selflessness. Men aren’t meant to be pretty. Women usually are turned on the most when we’re fixing a broken sink or toilet or changing her oil or breaks. There’s a reason why sweat and dirty jeans still make her want to hug you. Don’t be pretty, be a man.