It’s A Good Day To Start Living Your Best Life

You’re unique.

Perfect in your own way.
There is no reason you shouldn’t be comfortable in your skin because God brought you to this moment, this place, this time for a purpose. All of the heartbreak, the disappointment, the moments where you wanted to slap someone or scream in the middle of a workday. That’s okay because that simply shows how strong your spirit is!

There are a lot of people that didn’t make it home last night, a lot of people that didn’t wake up this morning. Men diagnosed with cancer, women that lost babies in the second trimester. But If you’re up and reading this you made it another day.

So make today count! Make it count in your own way! You don’t owe it to anyone to be great, to be special, to be happy but yourself! Life will never be easy and I’m sure I’ve written that before, life isn’t meant to be easy!

I’m not the first man to say this and I won’t be the last but ‘We Are Not Meant To Be Alone!’

We aren’t meant to be sad.

This isn’t a morning note about religion or inspiration, this is a morning note about LIVING! About SMILING! About realizing that  everything may not be great but it’s better than most and for that we can be grateful!

Someone out there loves you, someone prays for you and wishes that they could have your strength! Someone out there wants to be your protection, sanity and bestfriend. Someone out there is waiting for you to apply for that job that doesn’t make your skin crawl when you go to work in the morning!

Believe what you want will happen because what you want and what you need walk hand in hand.

I believe what you want will happen if you’re willing to put in the work to get it! Nothing worth having is going to come easy, prayer is necessary, talking to friends and family to ease your mind is necessary! But more than all that, working hard and not quitting is what will get you there!

There’s no magic formula, be true to yourself and those that hold you down and watch good things happen!

Good Morning and smile today because God didn’t give you another day to be sad

4:00am Thoughts From Houston: Fight or Flight

Stop Waiting

Stop Waiting

I have a hard time saying, “I love you.”

Not saying it in the sense that I have a hard time falling in love but just saying the words. I feel like every time I say them too often it loses it’s meaning a little. Those three words are meant to be said during those special moments where your heart skips a beat.

Saying that out loud as I wrote it made me sound Kenny G soft but you get what I mean.

There’s a point in every relationship where you have to make a decision to fight or flight. I’ve been listening to 90.9 KTSU all day while I’m at work and they’ve been playing these old R&B songs. As I listen to them, really listen to them I hear these men talking about these women in a way that men rarely do today. Men talking about loving women that have husbands, men talking about loving women that have moved on but they only want one night.

Music isn’t like that today. Guys brag about sleeping with another mans’ woman but how often do you hear a guy sing about being in love with another mans’ woman? So it made me think, why don’t guys talk about fighting for women anymore? Is it pride? Is it arrogance? Is it feeling that women are replaceable and if she won’t act right another woman will?

Normally I would write in 3rd person as to shift this away from myself but tonight I’ll use me as an example. I think I told myself I would never fight for a woman because how could she truly love me if she allowed another man into her world, into that space where it was even a competition? I get competing for her affections if we’re dating but if we are a couple then how did it make it pass that place that should only be reserved for me?

That was my logic in my younger days and even just a couple years ago but what I came to realize is that thinking like that means you’ve stopped seeing what everyone else sees. Look at a relationship like an NBA season. You could play your ass off and win a championship and enjoy the spoils of that trophy but one day you have to wake up and play that season all over again and the joy you felt from that ring will be eclipsed by the disappointment of not even making the playoffs. So when you get a woman and you win her heart, the season may be over but you still have an entire career worth of Championship moments. Are you willing to compete or are you going to say, “I already won so why am I still giving my all?”

If you push her away or stop being the man you were when she first met you there are repercussions to those actions and life is really cool in this way. Most of the decisions we make are ours to make. Whether you fight or flight; just know in the end you’re the one that has to live with that choice.

Dear God; I’m A Flawed Man

IMG_0128 Dear God,

I can be insecure at times. If I’m being honest at 4am on a Tuesday morning I can be insecure a lot of the times. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the writer I see myself being in my head. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the husband or father I make the characters in my stories out to be. My insecurities are masked by my talent, by my ability to stop people from getting close to me. My insecurities protect me from my fears.

Fears that consume me. Fears that I drown in the unrelenting sea of bottles that have come to comfort me. Fears that hold my confidence in their hands like the oceans hold fish and ships. Fears that I’m not sure I will ever overcome. Fears that aren’t based in race or religion or sex but fears that are based in emotional and mental uncertainty.

Why is it that I was created this way? Why is it that I can’t see what everyone else seems to see in me? Does it make me weak? Does it make me undeserving of the life you’ve given me? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m destined to be. Sometimes I don’t know just how much my life matters or is going to matter in this world. There are times I’ve looked for signs, prayed for guidance only to feel more lost than when I first fell to my knees.

Last week at this same time before the sun rose I stood on a beach letting the waves wash over me looking out into the horizon trying to see my future. Trying to see if I could be a man better than my father, trying to see if I can be a man better than the man I am now. As the sun rose and my eyes burned from the salt and the tears I couldn’t see it. Falling to my knees in that sand I felt as though. I felt as though I felt nothing which is the worst feeling in the world.

Will I lose everything dear to me, everyone I love? Will I forsake the love you have for me and fall to doubt, envy, insecurity, fear? Or will I rise. Will I grow into the King’s blood that pumps into my flawed heart?

I write about relationships and love. I write about life and responsibility. And even though I have an amazing woman in my life and an amazing family at times I feel as though they’re all an illusion. A dream that turns into a nightmare when I awake and they’re no longer going to be here.

For a man that prides himself on not really needing friends and being able to spend hours and days alone just writing; the thought of being alone in this world scares me more than standing on a beach with a sword waiting on a thousand ships with 10,000 soldiers bearing down on me. Death doesn’t scare me, war or tension don’t scare me. But the idea, the thought of dying unaccomplished or alone scares me to death.

This morning, I just want to talk to you God, write to you. To ask that you don’t give up on me. To ask that you don’t allow me to give up on myself. I will keep fighting with your help. I will keep living with your help. I just need you.

In Your Darling Son Jesus’s Name,

Amen

~ Demez

Please Pray With Me

Memories

Memories

I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important.

I wouldn’t b here at 6am on a Tuesday morning if I didn’t feel this hole in my heart. If I didn’t feel like I need you more than I’ve ever needed you at the moment. I worked last night and I’m sitting at the kitchen table writing and drinking and cooking dinner. Or maybe it’s breakfast but it isn’t breakfast food.

Mornings like this all I want more than anything in the world is for you to pray with me. To hold my hands and look me in my eyes and tell me everything will be okay. To sit you on my lap and just hold you for a second or minute and know I’m not in this alone. Mornings like this all I want is for you to pray with me and let me know it’s real.

Do you know what it’s like to feel alone, to feel like you have to take the world on by yourself? I do and it’s not something I take pride in or feel like makes me stronger. I’d give up this solitude for knowing someone  worries about me just as much as they worry about themselves anyday of the week.

Pray with me and tell me I’m not crazy.

Pray with me and tell me I won’t end up like my father.

Pray with me and let me know I’ll be okay.

Real Men…. Pray

Blessings

Blessings

Real Men Pray
Real men like women with curves, real men wear suits, real men don’t drink fruity drinks. I’ve said this before and I’ll probably write it a dozen more times; as long as you’re taking care of your responsibilities as a man. Your family, working, keeping your word, then everything else is perception, preference. You’re not a real man if you like slim women? You’re not a real man if you consider dressing up slacks and a polo shirt? You’re not a real man if you spend a Saturday night in your underwear drinking pink panties or pina colada daiquiris with your girl? Okay, you keep being that guy. For me what makes me a real man is praying. Praying for the people I love, praying when I’m stressing or hurting or happy. Praying when I’m not sure how God is going to make a way but I know he’ll make a way.

I recently had a conversation with an atheist. She was a really smart woman and we clicked but she took offense to something I wrote. I basically said “I’m not sure I could love a woman that didn’t believe in God. I could accept short hair or a different race, maybe even different religions. But to know she didn’t believe in anything? I need to know we can pray together. I need to know if I’m hurting then she can pray for me or if she’s stressing we can pray together. I need to know we’re equally yoked.” The ironic thing was she kept trying to argue with me about, “How do you know there’s a God? You Christians this, you’re such hypocrites.” She was visibly angry and all I could tell her was, “I just know it in my heart.”

Awhile ago I read something that said, “You can’t change a person with your words, it has to be with your actions. You can tell people anything and in the beginning maybe that’s enough but eventually you have to put something behind those words.” That’s how prayer works for me. I often times ask God for a wife and then I get women in my life and mess it up. I ask for a new job and when someone comes to me and says, “Mez, I know somewhere that would be good for you but you’d have to move or you’d have to drive 45 minutes to work,” so I walk away. It’s not that God wasn’t listening, it’s that I wasn’t willing to work for that blessing. He’s not a genie, you don’t ask and tomorrow it falls in your lap. You have to put in work! Blood, sweat and tears behind that prayer, behind those words.

Real men pray because life can get hard. It can get confusing. You can feel like you have everything you want today and tomorrow it can be gone. Real men pray because it gives us clarity in what we have. There are nights where I’m sitting up wishing I could hop on a plane to wherever, wishing I lived in this perfect loft or drove this perfect car. In those moments I don’t pray for that loft or car I pray for understanding, for thanks. I’m not sleeping under a bridge, I’m not walking, I have air and food and family. Prayer isn’t always about asking and pleading, often times it’s about giving and being thankful. I’m not where I want to be but when I tell you I wake up every day and smile no matter how much I want to cry or feel sorry for myself. I smile because I’m here, I’m healthy and I’m gifted because I have breath in my lungs. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you. How many of those we know or love didn’t make it to tonight?

~ Demez F. White

I’m Falling For You

Everything

Everything

I’m Falling For You
Why can’t you stop smiling? Why does everything seem so funny? Why are you so happy? You can’t tell? I can tell. It’s contagious you know. Me, falling for you, that burst of energy I get whenever you walk into a room. That’s what has you smiling, knowing I’m falling for you. Knowing whatever this is, is turning into more than this. Knowing that I’m not going anywhere unless an act God intervenes and even then I’m not even sure that would stop what’s happening between us.

I think we go together now. I’m pretty sure you’re my girlfriend in more than just my mind. There’s the toothbrush that’s next to mines in the bathroom. The new towels and candles that seemed to come out of thin air. There’s me talking to you on the phone every morning, even when you’ve just let my home minutes earlier. There’s me calling you knowing exactly when you get off work. Waiting, anxious, excited for that kiss. I’m falling for you and I’m not afraid of where the fall will take me.

What does it mean exactly to fall for someone? It’s different for everyone but for me it’s feeling fearless! It’s feeling like I can stand down an army and if no one else is there, you are. It feels like a ray of sunshine bursting through the clouds when it’s been cold all day. Falling for you gives me a piece of mind I haven’t had since, forever.

If you don’t love me already, I’m going to make you love me. You’ll feel my heart beating while we kiss. You’ll feel my love for you in every moment we’re together and everyone moment we’re apart. My words and actions will touch parts of you that no man has ever even dreamed of touching. My affect on your life will be like a hurricane that wipes away a city and devastates your soul in the most beautiful way possible.

Who I am as a man. What I want, what I’m willing to do! No one will ever compare because they don’t see you, can’t see you like I see you. If I never make love to you physically I don’t care because our souls make love with each and every breath we take. Life is a gift and you are the essence of the perfect unwrapped beautiful package that I get to open over and over and over again.

I’m falling for you and guess what? I think you’re falling for me too.

~ Demez F. White

Pray For Me and We Go Together

20140629-172456.jpg Praying women change lives.

A praying woman is necessary in this life. Knowing you have that guardian Angel that only wants the best for you. That cries when you can’t, that begs God to make sure you make it home okay when you’re drunk. Not our mothers, our grandmothers or our daughters will ever pray for us like the woman that loves us intimately and passionately. More than your lips, breast or thighs I need that from you the most.

A woman calls you and asks you to dinner, that’s great. She calls you for drinks after work, then maybe she likes you. But when a woman asks you to church, worries about your spiritual well being, that’s when you know it’s real.

The way my faith is set up I couldn’t be with a woman that didn’t pray. That can’t understand the joy I feel when I go from feeling hopeless to feeling like everything will be okay. Every man needs that. So if you pray for me, we go together. Unless you’re family and then we’re just cool.

Amen

Praying For Her Happiness

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know I don’t come to you as much as I should and you know my heart… I’m not coming to you this morning for myself; you’ve blessed me more than I could ever ask. I’m here on this day to ask that you give my friend clarity and guidance, that you protect her and bring her happiness.

That you give her the life she deserves! You know the love I have in my heart but I would happily give her up if that means she’ll have a genuine smile. I know you’re a powerful God, a jealous God… but more than that you’re a merciful God!!! And I need you to have mercy on her! I need you to lift her spirits and allow her to be the woman we both know she’s destined to be. I’m sure billions of people pray to you every day and night asking you for riches, cures to cancer, peace of mind…

I don’t want any of that for myself, I’ll sacrifice whatever you need me to; just give her the life she deserves. I know I’m in no position to make deals with a man of your caliber but if you do this I’ll spend my life honoring you. I’ll spend my life being a better man…

If you give her happiness, I’ll let her go. You say put no man before you, I’ve put her before you in my heart and I know that’s wrong. Give her happiness and I’ll sacrifice my own… In your darling son Jesus’s name.

Amen

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4am Prayers and Phone Calls

His Eyes
Sitting in his desk chair, trying to get comfortable, trying to get some rest before the storm blew in was close to impossible when you were used to being in a bed. The skies clear, the streets empty as he drove in at 3am he wondered could this all be much to do about nothing.

Knowing she probably wouldn’t be going to work tomorrow with ice on the roads, disturbing her sleep was something he didn’t really want to do but hearing her voice felt like a matter of life or death. Something about it calmed him, made him feel better about the unease that was gripping him.

Putting on his coat, stepping outside he scrolled to her number.

Her Eyes

At first she thought she was dreaming. She felt the phone vibrating but didn’t know where she was exactly. Jumping up, looking around, realizing she’d fell asleep on the couch. Her gym clothes on the floor, the heat blasting, lying in one of his t-shirts she wiped her face and saw who was calling.

“Hey, everything okay?” She tried to make herself sound awake but it was a struggle fighting the yawns.

“I didn’t wake you up did I pretty girl?” At the sound of his voice she smiled. Lying back on the couch, pulling the blanket to her neck.

“Nah, I was up.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, they both knew she was lying but when certain people call, you just answer the phone.

“You okay babe?” It wasn’t like him to call this early even though he knew she would answer.

They’d made a lot of strides since that first date. It took awhile for her to trust again, it took just a little bit longer for him to put his pride to the side and open up.

“I need a favor.” She leaned up and looked around for her jeans and keys.

“Anything!” Her heart started to beat a little faster!

“Can you pray with me?”

His Eyes

Hearing her raspy voice, knowing on cold nights she slept with the heat blasting and little on he saw her body as soon as she said hello. He imagined her lying there, her pillow smelling of his cologne. Hair wrapped, body all over the bed. She was a snorer, especially when she was tired even though she’d never admit it.

He couldn’t shake the unease and more than her body, more than her voice, he needed her spirit.

“Can you pray with me?” He asked. They’d prayed together before, over dinner, before bed but he’d never just asked her randomly. There was something serious about prayer, something intimate about calling a woman and waking her out her sleep to humble yourselves before God. More than a first kiss, more than a first date, this mattered and scrolling threw his phone he knew only one woman mattered.

“Of course I will. Do you want me to pray for you; you want to do a silent prayer?” She laughed, it wasn’t a funny laugh but a nervous, cute laugh. It was what she did when she didn’t know what to do.

“I’ll pray, just close your eyes and roll with me.”

“Okay.”

Dear God,

I’m here this morning asking for your help. I trust that you wouldn’t put me in a situation I can’t handle but I’m nervous, maybe even a little scared. The last time I did this I almost flipped over a bridge. I know I come to you more when I need you then when I don’t and I’m going to do better but for right now just give me the strength and knowledge to trust my training. Allow me to make it home safely, allow all my friends and family and everyone traveling the roads to make it home safely. Most of all I’m asking that you bless Ashley. Protect her and give her calm during this time. Thank you for placing her in my life, if you don’t do any more than that you’ve blessed me for ten lifetimes. In your darling son Jesus’ name.

Amen
Her Eyes

“Amen.”

For a moment neither of them said anything, just for a moment.

“I pray for you. If something were to happen to you I wouldn’t be okay, you know that right? I’m not sure I’d ever be okay.” She didn’t know why the tears were in her eyes or why she was standing up looking out the window hoping for the storm to pass. She just knew whatever uneasy feeling he was feeling was now in her gut.

“Thank you for praying with me, for answering the phone, I know how much you love your sleep.” They both laughed, easing the tension.

“You know I’m always going to answer for you; just be careful.”

“Goodnight, love you A.”

“Love you too.”

Lying back on the couch, knowing she’d never fall back asleep until she knew he was safe. Grabbing a bottle of wine, some pop corn and the remote she decided to take advantage of the off day. Placing the TV on mute and getting on her knees, she wiped her eyes again still not knowing why the tears were falling.

God,

I know he prayed but you can never have enough prayer right? Please protect him. You know what’s in my heart and you know how I feel about him, he’s a good man and I love him. With you in his corner he’s capable of anything. Thanks.

Amen

Now she knew everything would be alright.

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Don’t Fear Death; Fear Not Living

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n My back has been killing me the past few days so I went to the doctor today. I thought maybe I pulled something at work or slept wrong on the couch. She told me I had some fluid in my lungs, that my left lung was working twice as hard because my right lung was struggling.

It wasn’t back pain, it was my lung. “I think it’s a blood clot and if it is you need to go get a ct scan so we can get in and get it ASAP. In that moment my life flashed before my eyes. The seriousness in her eyes, the realization that I wasn’t overreacting when I felt like something just wasn’t right with my body. In that moment I thought I would die.

I’ve said so many times I’m not afraid of death, that I’m only afraid of dying unaccomplished. That’s bullshit, I don’t want to die at all, I don’t want to leave my family, I don’t want to not have a wife and a son and a daughter. I want to see my novels turned into movies and on library shelves. The fear was real and in those couple of hours waiting on those test results all I saw was all I didn’t accomplish. Sitting in the parking lot of the Kelsey Seybold clinic crying and praying and begging I knew that whatever happened, whatever the results my life would never be the same.

The test results came back negative in reference to the blood clot but the fluid is still here, the pain is still here, it’s still a struggle to breathe too heavily or talk too much. I still live with the fear that I’m going to lie down and not wake up. That I’m going to take a deep breath and not be able to exhale.

Most men love to say they have no regrets, I’m not one of them. There are so many things I regret, so many things I have to make right. So many kisses I need to give, so many trips I have to take, so many hugs I blew off.

If I’m being honest, I’ve seen my death so many times in my head. I’ve seen my family standing over me in the hospital room, I’ve seen their tears and I’ve felt their heartbreak. I’ve seen my last moments and as brave as I’d like to be that scares me because a part of me feels like it’s all coming true.

My body just doesn’t feel right and the more I pretend like everything is going to be alright to be strong for those around me, the more I’m coming to accept that I can’t live afraid to die. I have to live like I could die at anytime.

Don’t take life for granted because God says, “No man knows the hour or the time.”