It’s Not Okay to Propose to Your Woman At Someone Else’s Wedding!

IMG_0141It’s Not Okay to Propose to Your Woman At Someone Else’s Wedding!

It Can’t Always Be About You

We all have that one friend that’s a one upper. Maybe they’re not your real friend but they’re a social media friend. You tell them you’re excited about Miami and they tell you, “You should see Spain!” You tell them your kid just got accepted into a college and they tell you how their kid got accepted into a better college.

One upper guy or gal doesn’t always do it because they’re jerks that lack common sense and etiquette. Sometimes they don’t have malicious intent at all; sometimes they just need the conversation to be about them.

The thing we all learn in like 1st grade though is that it can’t always be about you. There will be days where you don’t win the spelling bee and days where you aren’t the best kick ball player in the world. Adult life is sort of the same way. Every conversation doesn’t have to be about YOU. It’s okay to sit back and let someone tell you about their weekend without you telling them how much better your weekend was.

The one upper isn’t always interrupting with good news either. It can be something as simple as, “I cut my finger shaving,” and one upper will let you know how they broke their arm changing the channel with the remote. Anything to have people talk about or look at them instead of talking about or looking at you.

I had a conversation once about wedding proposals and the simple truth is people are so blinded by love that they don’t often realize what’s okay and what’s not okay. Asking your woman to get married on a beach in Spain is dope. Asking your woman to get married at a reception your boy paid 85 dollars a plate for. That’s not too cool.

Why do people think this is okay? This is the ultimate level of one upperness! I’m going to choose the most important day of your life and turn it into a joint venture? This is not okay and a fight has to come with that.

Your friend goes through a horrible breakup and is crying and heartbroken and you sit there like, “I remember when I lost my dog; girl I didn’t think I would recover but I did.” Yo, this isn’t about your dog, this is about your friend.

One upping/ scene stealing has ruined more friendships than borrowing money and shoes and spring breaks where someone forgot to pay their half on the room. It’s okay for it not to always be about you. It’s okay to listen, to be happy for someone, to not turn the day or night or conversation into your show.

5 Perfect Proposals…Love, Lust and Obligation

I’m entitling this Love, Lust and Obligation because I imagine when the day comes that I do get married I’ll marry for one of those three reasons. Hopefully all three.

Love because love is universal, it’s everlasting; it’s everything we make it out in our mind to be.

Lust because I want the woman I give this ring to too know I want to kiss her, taste her, lick her, touch her, smile at her every day that I’m physically and mentally capable. And I need for her to need me that same way. I’m no good without passion.

Obligation is simple, if she’s to be my wife I’m obligated to make sure her dreams come true. My success is her success; I’m obligated to make sure she never wants for a thing. My grandfather did it for grandmother and I made a promise to myself that when my day came I would hold my wife down in the same manner.

I know my writing can be incredibly cakey at times but understand this is sort of how my mind works. Some days I want to write about sex, some days dramatic fiction and some days I just feel the need to be romantic. To imagine the moments when I’ll have this happy ending.

These won’t be incredibly long, this is sort of a quickie note, so enjoy it!

Proposal One- Flowers Midnight and Simplicity

Grand gestures of romance are a great thing and they have their place. I saw a clip about three months ago where this guy set up an entire movie around a proposal. I thought that was incredibly creative but to be honest, it doesn’t take all that to make it memorable. Perfect moments don’t have to be youtube moments. I buy a lot of flowers, they’re cheap and the flower district off of Fannin is open 24hrs. Plus women love them, there’s just something about flowers that are sensual. And since most men are trying their best to be extra hard or only buy them when the moment is obvious it’s always cool to have ‘just because’ flowers.

Step One- You only need these flowers for one night, maybe the next morning. So go to the flower district and get the flowers that only have a couple of days to live. You can get them cheap and they’ll be happy to get rid of them because they’re throwing them away anyway. The more the better, you want to fill the entire living room or apartment with flowers. Vases are even cheaper, maybe five dollars. You may spend a hundred on 20 or so vases but you only propose once in life.

Step Two- Get good wine, not like Ralston’s or Kroger’s good but chilled and aged good. You can tell the difference. I would say champagne but champagne isn’t that great to me, wine is just sexier. It’s going to be midnight so you don’t have to worry about food, maybe breakfast food for the next morning.

Step Three- If she has a job she’ll be in bed before midnight, so encourage her to get in bed. If she’s a night owl, make up an excuse so that she won’t leave the bedroom. Run her this amazing bath so she’ll soak for an hour. The setup shouldn’t take any time. You’re only doing one room. Flowers in vases all over the place, the floor, the counter top, on top of the TV. Give it a Japanese Garden feel.

Step Four- At exactly midnight go get her out of bed, out the bath, off the computer. Walk her into the room and let her take in everything. A candle or two burning, flowers everywhere and the bottle of wine sitting in the middle. If she’s a ‘I love a man in a suit type’ wear a suit. If she’s just a cool chick, rock gym shorts and a tee. But make it about what she likes. Get down on one knee, say what you need to say to express how you feel. Let it all out, don’t hold anything back.

Proposal Two- Chocolate Strings and Memories

Step One- All women have a thing for chocolate, even women that don’t like chocolate appreciate good chocolate. Godiva is universal, maybe get some dipped fruit, some chocolate covered almonds. Get a medley of chocolate covered treats.

Step Two- Hire a violinist, musicians are cheap for the most part. They’re struggling artist. I would say get a hotel room and have him set up on the balcony. A suite though, not some small room that the three of you will be standing side by side in. Let hotel personal know so the noise won’t bother anyone. Set the chocolate up on a table.

Step Three- (And this will be a theme of the night) Tell her to meet you there, let the chocolate scent dominate the room. Make sure the violinist is dressed in his tux and when she walks in, just hold her hand or kiss her or touch the small of her back and let her know this is for her. Like she doesn’t know it already.

Step Four- Give the musician a signal to lower the music, women love men that are in control of the situation. Sit her on the bed or the couch and get on both knees in front of her. Look at her and smile, take out the ring and just ask.

Step Five- After she says yes and the musician is gone, after you’ve made love and she’s gushed about how sweet everything is. Give her a scrap book, something that tells the story of your courtship, your romance. Pictures, emails, FB stuff. Let her know how much she means to you. Not only did you go out of your way but now you’ve went ‘out of your way!’

Proposal Three- Go Big or Go Home!!!

Step One- The biggest, prettiest wedding ring you can afford. Calling, texting, emailing, face to face with every person she’s cool with. Co-workers, friends, family. Invite them all, rent out a ballroom, invite them to your home. Just make it a lot of people that love her.

Step Two- Send her something at work every couple of hours. First the shoes, next the dress and then by lunch she’s losing her mind waiting on the next gift. Make it jewelry, food, a vibrator. Just make the last gift something that relates to an inside joke the two of you had.

Step Three- Show her it’s real, get her name tattooed on you. And this isn’t me just talking, I’m all in when I go in. If I love her enough to get married I’ll love her a enough to get my first tattoo. When she walked thru that door shocked and crying, you smile at her. Stand in the middle of that room and tell the world about the tattoo, tell the world about how it felt to put all this together. Tell them why your life would be shit if she wasn’t in it.

Proposing to someone is something I think every time I go on a date. Every time I get a text or email. It’s not that I’m ready to marry just anyone but I love the idea of perfect proposals going into perfect weddings.


Does Anyone Object?

She wasn’t marrying a Senator or Congressman, he wasn’t famous enough to have security but walking thru the church doors my nerves were still shot.

There were way more people than I expected, three times more people than I expected. Almost every seat was full but I scanned and scanned until I found one on the 4th row.

I wasn’t use to wearing suits, I worked with my hands building things. So even though it cost me a months salary and was tailored it still felt wrong. Looking around I noticed some of her friends noticing me but I ignored them. There is no way they could know what was on my mind.

A week ago was the last time I saw her, the last time I kissed her. The last words she spoke to me sat in the pit of my stomach like a cement block.

“I know you love me and if I’m being honest with myself I’ll probably never want anyone as much as I want you… But want and love won’t give me the life my son and I deserve. You know my favorite sandwich and when I need a hug. He dedicates novels to me and named a restaurant after our future daughter. I choose him not only for the security but because he’ll never let me down. It’s not in him to hurt me, you’ve hurt me more times than I can count.”

Those were the last words she spoke to me and now I was here to breakup her wedding. Either she’d walk out of this church with me or I’d know her heart was with him.

The bridesmaids walked in with the groomsmen, the flower girl threw flowers and the music flowed. And then we stood, the lights dimmed and every eye turned to the door. There was a collective gasp as her beauty and sheer radiance swept thru the room.

My palms were sweaty and my first instinct was to close my eyes and ignore the rest of the ceremony but I stayed.

I watched her father give her to him, I watched him remove the veil from her face and even though I couldn’t hear their vows I could see their smiles.

“If there’s anyone here that objects to this union let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

My legs felt like jello but I stood up.

“I object!”

The world went quiet…

To be continued.

Breakup Sex or Engagement Sex… Candy Cane Tales

“Why are you pouting?” He knew why I was pouting, a month of Christmas shopping for everyone from cousins to my mama and all I got was a couple gift cards and a ugly ass sweater! Hell yes I was pouting! I couldn’t do it around my family.

“I’m not pouting!” He laughed and got up to pour himself another drink.

“What would you call it then?” I snatched the drink out of his hand and walked over to the Christmas tree. I worked hard and paid my bills on time, if I wanted something I could just go buy it but it’s the thought of opening up a gift that just makes Christmas special.

It’s the ‘right’ thing to say, “Christmas is all about giving.” “I’m just happy I could see a smile on my nieces and nephews faces.” But what woman doesn’t want to open a gift and know someone… just one person knows her well enough to know what she really wanted!

“I’m not pouting!” I sat back down on the couch and tried to get into being nosey on FB but all these damn engagements and cute pictures weren’t doing anything for my Grinch like spirit. I shut my laptop and decided that today would be a great retail therapy day.

I wanted to throw a candle at him, watching him stand at the counter and stare at the watch he’d been talking about for a month. Three separate times I had to convince him not to buy the damn thing because I’d already bought it and he shows up with one of the ugliest sweaters I’ve ever seen in my life. And had the nerve to smile about it like he did a good thing!

I just couldn’t take it anymore… “I’m going to the mall.” He stopped me.

“Wait a minute babe, can you stop and get me some batteries for the remote?” Really!? Really?! That’s why he’s stopping me? Asshole! Little did he know I was taking this ugly ass sweater back and I had half a mind to curse the sales lady out for someone not telling him how hideous this thing really was!

“Sure I can take the sweater back Alec!” He just stared at me, damn! Did I say take the sweater back? Fuck!

“So you didn’t like it? Why didn’t you just say something?” He leaned against the bar and folded his arms. Great, this is all I needed, now I was going to seem ungrateful.

“It’s just not my style and I figured you would have known my style by now. There’s no shame in having someone take a gift back. Stop being so damn dramatic!” I snatched the bag with the sweater in it off the couch, along with my purse and reached for the door! He snatched the bag out of my hand and threw it across the room!

Was he losing his damn mind?!

“What the hell is the matter with you!?” He just smiled at me like it was the funniest thing in the world. Now I was getting pissed off!

“What is your fucking problem!? So I don’t like the sweater! You don’t have to be an asshole!”

“I don’t need this Kerri! I try and get you a nice gift and you’re around here acting like a child! I’m getting my shit and leaving! Do what you want with the sweater I don’t even care!”

He walked into the bedroom and I could hear him in the closet. Was he really getting his things? What the hell?! Hell no! There is no way he could get this pissed off over me taking a sweater back unless he was already planning on leaving anyway! He has me fucked me if he thinks I’m going to sit here and let him act a fool in my house?!

I kicked my shoes off and threw my purse on the couch! I walked into the bedroom my fist balled and my heart beating a mile a minute, if he wanted to act stupid we could both act stupid! My mouth dropped and the tears started falling before I could do anything about it!

“Asshole! I hate you!” I ran to the bed… for the part II

Arden B.


Victoria’s Secret


And boxes that were wrapped so I couldn’t see what was inside. I didn’t know where to start! I started hitting his chest and hugging him at the same time!

“So you knew that sweater was ugly as hell and you made me walk around pissed off all Christmas morning when you had all this stuff the whole time?! I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face even though I wanted to choke him to death! Why would you play with me like this?!” He picked me up and sat me on the dresser, wiped my face with his thumbs. He kissed me and between the gifts and this change in emotion I kissed him back like it was NYE.

“You’re spoiled baby and I just wanted to see how you were going to act not having the perfect Christmas. You still gave me my gift, you still gave all your family their stuff and smiled the entire day. That’s when I realized why I loved you so much. I’m sorry for fucking with you. But before you open all the stuff on the bed, I have one more gift I want to give you first.”

He reached in his pocket and pulled out the light blue ring box. My heart stopped beating…

“It’s not the one I wanted to get but if you hang in here with me I promise I’ll upgrade this as soon as I can. I’d rather get this one from Tiffany’s than get something from a store that isn’t worthy of being on your finger.” I was picked up and he stood me up, dropped to one knee and asked.

“Will you marry me Kerri? Will you let me put a bunch of little spoiled, pretty, smart babies in you and drive you crazy and love you and make love to you and… Will you allow me to spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel like you make me feel everyday?”

I laughed… I laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. He looked at me like I was crazy, I shouldn’t have laughed.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I feel to the floor with my fiancé! “I’m laughing baby because I just realized I’m going to be one of these cheesy women on FB with a picture of all these gifts on the bed and this fly ass ring on my finger!

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I stood up and started to strip. They say you should always hold a little something back for your husband, you can’t give away all the tricks. Well, he proposed so he was about to see all the tricks.

“Engagement sex is better than make up sex; take off your clothes so I can show you!”

Part III tonight only on Engagement Sex!!!