Don’t Call Her Insecure Unless You’re Willing to Call Yourself Insincere

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

What’s worse than being lied to? It’s having the feeling that you’re crazy. Some women call it intuition, some men call it having a feeling in your gut but it’s all the same for all of us. Those moments where you’re in the shower or driving to work and something just doesn’t feel right.

You can’t put your hand on it, you don’t have any real proof but whatever it is, is just nagging at you. A part of you wants to ask questions, investigate but you don’t want to be crazy. He’s already told you everything is okay, there’s nothing going on so why sabotage your own happiness?

As men and even women in some cases a well-placed or timed lie that you think does no harm makes all the sense in the world in that moment. “I don’t want to argue so let me just tell them what I think they want to hear.” The problem is maybe you can get away with one small lie but small lies often lead to bigger lies and now her insecurities are rooted in your insincerity. Insecurity and insincerity are like termites, constantly eating away and ripping at the foundation. On the outside everything looks fine, the house is clean and the dishes are put away but right beneath the surface is chaos.

In the past I’ve written about gender roles. Being a man isn’t about opening a door or buying dinner, of course those things will put a smile on her face but it’s more than that. Most women, regardless of how many articles or “love experts” tell you otherwise only want honesty. They only want you to be the man you were when they first met. They don’t want to have to guess at whether or not you’re going to be a different guy every day.

Making her feel like she’s crazy because she has doubts when you know you’ve given her reasons to have doubts is not cool. There’s a good chance you’ll lose her and is anything worth that?

~ Demez F. White

Change Can Be Scary but It’s Necessary: Especially in Relationships

You all deserve love.

You all deserve love.

Change Can Be Scary but It’s Necessary: Especially in Relationships

There are all types of change. Some change is good and some is bad but in most cases change is always necessary. You either change and adapt or you stay the same, nothing is more damaging in life than not making progress. Even regression is more relevant in life than not making any progress at all.

We’ve all come to believe that relationships have to be two people who are intimately acquainted whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. We’ve even given relationships new names in order to justify the seriousness of them. Situationships, Friends With Benefits, Hook-Ups, etc. Don’t let any of these new age names fool you; when you’re talking to someone on any level you have a relationship with that person. Of course there are levels but it’s a relationship none the less. Either you grow and build on it or you don’t, there’s no in-between.

Why can change be scary? Mainly because comfort is a beautiful thing. When you start to feel safe and warm and know what to expect day after day or meeting after meeting you don’t feel such disappointment anymore.

It’s why so many people go to jobs they hate or stay in relationships that drive them to cheat or be miserable. That comfort. “I know he isn’t shit but I’d rather be around someone that I know isn’t shit but has some redeeming qualities then to get with a man that makes me believe he’s about something and lets me down.”

Change is often terrifying because you’re going into the unknown and there’s always two roads. The first road may lead to everything your heart desires and the second road may be failure. However do you want to know what’s worse than failure or success? Regret. That feeling of not knowing what might have happened had you just made that change. Taken that chance.

When I write and speak about relationships I’m not limiting myself to man and woman, that’s too simplistic. I’m speaking on relationships that affect who we are. Our jobs, relationships with friends that don’t help us grow.

Change matters in life, don’t be afraid of it.

Sometimes You Can’t Do It Alone

Sometimes you just need her to hold your hand, look you in the eyes and ask you if you’re okay.

Sometimes you just don’t want to fight or argue or feel like you’re alone against the world. You just need her to sit on your lap and smile and kiss your neck and tell you, “I’m here baby.”

Sometimes you have to do everything in your power to fight the depression. To fight the voices, to be better than the thoughts and emotions you’re feeling; and the only way you can do that is to have someone care about fighting those voices just as much as you do.

Sometimes the fear of the unknown can be just as scary as the fear of what’s certain.

Sometimes that certainty is like a weight, a 1000 pound weight crushing down. As 7am with this glass in my hand I know for certain my uncertainty is bearing down on me.

~ Demez F. White

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Do You Realize What You Have In Her?

IMG_0172.JPG Do You Realize What You Have In Her?

It’s a simple question really. Do you realize the way other men look at her? Do you still notice her smile, her laugh. Can you tell the difference between a sad smile and a freaky smile?

I cook myself dinner every night. I sit at this desk and write fairy tales and fables. I write pretty words that make others smile. She cooks for you, she does whatever it takes to make you happy. You know what I would give for that? For just one night of seeing her look at me like that?

The bible says though shalt not covet another mans wife. I live by that code because I believe in karma. I don’t covet her but I very much see her.

When you’re lying in bed with her, just watch her and appreciate that.

Demez F. White

Real Men… Admit When We’re Wrong

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n One of the hardest traits I’ve ever had to learn is humility. Not the sort of humbleness you learn because you have to or because it looks good on social media but the kind that’s sincere.

I can be an arrogant man. This isn’t something I take pride in, who likes being an asshole? Who likes losing friends or having people you care about think you don’t care about them. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and just call and say, “I miss you.” Not the kind of miss you that comes with memories of passion or foreplay but the kind of miss you that comes with missing a friend. Nights driving and looking at Christmas lights, drinking hot chocolate. Afternoons sitting on a bench downtown just talking on a lunch break. I want to call and apologize and do those things but pride, pride is a stubborn b*tch. So instead I make smart comments and act like I’m not fazed. That’s being a boy, not a man.

Apologizing means you know you hurt someone or did something wrong so you want to acknowledge your mistake. That’s different from being sorry. Being sorry is realizing your actions had a chain reaction. Being sorry is knowing things can never go back to the way they were because no matter how many times you try and glue it together, that cracked mirror is never going to be the same.

I knew I was wrong but pride made me fight a battle that I’d lost before that first bullet was shot. She’s mad, I’m mad, she says something hurtful, I say something back. A night of frustration turns into a couple days and that turns into a week. Instead of apologizing and maybe just losing the woman I was falling in love with; now I’ve lost a friend. That’s the class they don’t teach us in school. The class that tells us pride can be a beautiful thing and it can be our worst enemy. Every time I see her I regret not saying I was sorry sooner. I regret not being a better friend. Warm bodies come a dime a dozen. Wet thighs on clean sheets are a text message away for most of us. But having someone that genuinely cares if you ate dinner or had a good day. Those are the people that are worth swallowing your pride for. Those are the people that deserve admitting when we were wrong.

~ Demez F. White

Making Her Better For the Next Man

Blessings

Blessings

Whenever we date someone there is one inevitable fact that we all must face; especially after the age of 30. You’re either going to marry this person and live happily ever after or you two won’t have a future at all. Are there exceptions like friendship, having to work together, randomly hooking up? Sure but in the end they’ll either be your everything or your nothing.

I saw this meme the other day that said, “Sometimes a man’s job is to make her better for the next man,” or it could have said, “Sometimes a man’s job is to prepare her for her husband.” Don’t quote me on either one, just know I agree with the sentiment. Knowing what you don’t want in life is just as important as knowing what you do want. Hating her because you feel like you’re the perfect man for her and not understand why she doesn’t want you is drinking poison and hoping she dies. Happiness comes when you accept they are doing you a favor by walking away and that goes for a man or woman. Do you really want to be the person someone settled for?

It’s going to storm tonight. I spent the day cleaning up, sleeping, doing a little writing. Tonight I’ll cook dinner and listen to some jazz. A year ago, maybe even six months ago I would call someone to come over. Not for sex or because I was lonely but because nights like this are better with company. Nights like this are better with laughter and her sitting at the kitchen table talking and smiling while I cook. Call it companionship, call it courtship, call it friendship, either way it feels good. The problem is though, those feelings don’t last if there aren’t real intentions behind them. What’s an amazing night if tomorrow doesn’t matter?

You know a feeling we’ve all felt? Being at dinner with someone or having a conversation and we know that the person across from us is feeling us. You know that he or she would do anything in the world for you because you are you. It’s in the way they look at you, the way they talk to you, the way they talk about you. But no matter how much you try and care as much as they care, you just can’t, it’s not in you. You want to be turned on, you want to be excited but it’s just not there. At that point you have two options, you allow them to keep falling or you allow them to find someone that’s going to look at them like they look at you. Their love that you can’t accept is going to make you better because you realized it and let them go.

Alone In A Crowded Room

Essence

Today will be different I tell myself. Walking down the sidewalk, beer in one hand, ice in the other. Today will be different. Most of the people inside will know your name, you like to talk so talk. Today will be different.

Standing around, saying my hellos, trying to make small talk. I realize something. Today may not be different. No matter how many people know my name or recognize my face I’m still alone in this crowded room. I used to think it was social anxiety then I thought it was just good old-fashioned introvert like behavior but now I’m not so sure it’s any of those things.

Sometimes I feel like something inside of me is broken. That piece of me that lets people in, that makes and keeps friends. Or maybe people just don’t like me. I’ve thought about that a lot to be honest. I know our generation isn’t supposed to care about such trivial things but I do.

My writing has made me known. So most of the time people will recognize my name as soon as I introduce myself. I like that feeling but what I’ve come to realize is that it’s a temporary feeling. This weekend I realized I have no friends. I know a lot of people, I occasionally talk to them but I have no real friends.
When the concept first hit me it scared me.

Now at 5:00am on a Monday morning I’m coming to accept it. I don’t know if this will always be the case but it’s the case now and I have to live with the hand I’ve been dealt. In my heart my wife will be my best friend so I won’t have to worry about this but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

I can be at a book signing with a hundred people waiting for my autograph and feel like a stranger. I can be at a family holiday dinner and feel like I don’t know one person in the room. Sometimes it scares me how detached I am.

I want to blame this isolation on the writing but I’m not sure I can.

2:00am In Houston: The Fears of A Writer

Memories

Memories

I’m at work right now but even if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. I got some news today that someone I love has a medical condition, it’s not just that they have cancer but the cancer is spreading. When they told me I had to be strong for them but my heart was breaking inside. I’m over questionnig God, it doesn’t help anything. I’m not the first man to wonder why loving and good people get sick or struggle and the evil prosper.

I had a choice on Sunday morning. I was up all night writing and didn’t really sleep. Part of me wanted to go to the church, needed to go to church. The other part of me just wanted to get drunk. Tha part of me that wanted that drink won. I hated myself as soon as I took the first sip but I needed it because without it I think the voices in my head would never go away.

There’s no doubt I can write. I’ve been doing it my entire life and I’m only getting better at it. I’m actually starting to get paid for it on a consistent basis. A guy came to me with a script idea, he said every other writer he’d spoken to needed six months for “creative” purposes. I told him I could do it in a month because I can. I see the story in my head before I wrote one line, one scene. I’ll be up at 3am talking to these characters like they’re my best friends.

It worries me sometimes. The fact that I’m drinking more and writing more like I need them to go together. In my mind and heart one can’t work without the other. I miss my friends, the ones I did have at least. I’m telling these secrets and fears to readers instead of calling one of them.

There’s so much isolation in ambition. So much dissapointment in success. You want to know what’s ironic? I have no doubt I’ll reach levels as a writer very few men have. I only doubt that I will be around to see it.

~ Demez F. White

I Don’t Know If I’m A Better Man Than Him but I’m A Better Man For You

20140721-194134.jpg I Don’t Know If I’m A Better Man Than Him but I’m A Better Man For You

I’m sure he’s a great guy, a good man. He probably calls you and asks if you need anything before he comes over. He opens your door and hugs you. But does your heart beat uncontrollably when you know he’s on the other side of that door? Does your body betray you and want him even when your mind is saying “wait?”

I know you’re comfortable around him. Your friends think he’s sweet, he calls you at just the right times, text you seconds after you text him. But does he push you against the door and take that kiss? Does he turn you around and kiss your shoulders, suck your shoulders? Or does he ask.

He believes in you but he doesn’t know how to motivate you.

He takes you dancing but has he ever whispered in your ear, “Dance for me baby.”

With him it’s peaceful and everything’s according to plan. You’re not that type of woman though. You like the occasional argument, the sex in inappropriate places, the road trips on a Wednesday just because.

I don’t know if I’m a better man than him but I know we make each other better. I know when we’re in bed it’s about more than sex, more than sleep. We touch each other without ever touching each other. You’re comfortable with him but with me you’re comfortable.

I once wrote that you’re single until you’re married and I meant that. I’d never try and take a woman that’s in a happy and healthy relationship but I’d by lying to you and myself if I didn’t recognize the obvious. He can’t make you as happy as I can make you.

I made a mistake. I opened that door for him. I have to live with the consequences of that. I don’t owe him anything, therefore if you have to break his heart for your heart to come home. So be it.

Or maybe this is all in my head and you never existed at all.

Demez

Voices In the Darkness

Voices In the Darkness

At times no matter how hard I try and ignore them the voices never go away.

In my dreams, in my nightmares, they wake me out of my sleep and terrorize me. Pulling me astray.

You’re all alone they say, you’re no good they say, why are you even here? Alcohol stops them at times but they don’t go away.

Anger gives way to solitude, solitude gives way to sadness, sadness gives way to hopelessness. No matter how hard I pray or ignore them in my heart I know the voices will eventually take me into their darkness.

Most of my life has been spent alone. Even in a room full of family and friends, there’s no one. With women on top of me, soothing me, still alone. Just me and the voices.

My phone rarely rings anymore. Text are few and in between. All that is left is my writing and I fear I’m slowly losing that with the lose of my desires, my dreams.

I’ll keep fighting the voices. I’ll keep remembering all that’s good within me but my fear is that my destiny walks hand in hand with my destruction.

~ Demez F. White

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