Dear God; I’m A Flawed Man

IMG_0128 Dear God,

I can be insecure at times. If I’m being honest at 4am on a Tuesday morning I can be insecure a lot of the times. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the writer I see myself being in my head. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the husband or father I make the characters in my stories out to be. My insecurities are masked by my talent, by my ability to stop people from getting close to me. My insecurities protect me from my fears.

Fears that consume me. Fears that I drown in the unrelenting sea of bottles that have come to comfort me. Fears that hold my confidence in their hands like the oceans hold fish and ships. Fears that I’m not sure I will ever overcome. Fears that aren’t based in race or religion or sex but fears that are based in emotional and mental uncertainty.

Why is it that I was created this way? Why is it that I can’t see what everyone else seems to see in me? Does it make me weak? Does it make me undeserving of the life you’ve given me? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m destined to be. Sometimes I don’t know just how much my life matters or is going to matter in this world. There are times I’ve looked for signs, prayed for guidance only to feel more lost than when I first fell to my knees.

Last week at this same time before the sun rose I stood on a beach letting the waves wash over me looking out into the horizon trying to see my future. Trying to see if I could be a man better than my father, trying to see if I can be a man better than the man I am now. As the sun rose and my eyes burned from the salt and the tears I couldn’t see it. Falling to my knees in that sand I felt as though. I felt as though I felt nothing which is the worst feeling in the world.

Will I lose everything dear to me, everyone I love? Will I forsake the love you have for me and fall to doubt, envy, insecurity, fear? Or will I rise. Will I grow into the King’s blood that pumps into my flawed heart?

I write about relationships and love. I write about life and responsibility. And even though I have an amazing woman in my life and an amazing family at times I feel as though they’re all an illusion. A dream that turns into a nightmare when I awake and they’re no longer going to be here.

For a man that prides himself on not really needing friends and being able to spend hours and days alone just writing; the thought of being alone in this world scares me more than standing on a beach with a sword waiting on a thousand ships with 10,000 soldiers bearing down on me. Death doesn’t scare me, war or tension don’t scare me. But the idea, the thought of dying unaccomplished or alone scares me to death.

This morning, I just want to talk to you God, write to you. To ask that you don’t give up on me. To ask that you don’t allow me to give up on myself. I will keep fighting with your help. I will keep living with your help. I just need you.

In Your Darling Son Jesus’s Name,

Amen

~ Demez

Guess What? It’s Okay To Have Values

Hers It’s okay to have values.

It’s okay to care what people think about you.

Everyone isn’t going to like you and that’s fine.

I’ve never particularly cared if I was liked as long as I was respected. In life you have to have a value system, you have to hold yourself to certain standards and live by certain beliefs even if people don’t agree with you. Everyone isn’t going to like you or be your friend but when people see that you’re about your word and honest; they’ll respect you.

Over the past couple years I’ve had my rationale questioned when it comes to women. People read my writing and think I have this unrealistic expectation of women or my views are that of a man that wants a woman barefoot and pregnant. Most of those people have either never really read my writing or read excerpts and make an opinion.

I don’t believe in calling women out of their names (the bedroom excluded.) If I can’t get my point across without a bunch of b**ches and hoes then I’m not much of a writer or man. I feel as though conversation can solve most of our problems, most misunderstandings stem from miscommunication or third parties. I’d rather be the guy that makes you laugh instead of the guy that’s too cool for the room. I have no desire to have a woman be barefoot and pregnant but I do feel like as a man it’s my job to give her that option to stay at home if that’s what she wants.

My writing is all about holding men accountable. When a man is genuine and loving and a leader then 9 out of 10 times the woman is going to appreciate it and respect it and both of us will thrive. What’s happening is standards are getting lower and lower, what was unacceptable in my grandparents generation, in my parents’ generation has almost become the norm. It’s literally cool now to be an asshole, to be disrespectful, to make fun of others. I have no desire to be that person or to date that person. You know what’s attractive to me? Being nice, being sweet, being caring.

If we can have sex but you aren’t willing to introduce me to your parents then that’s a problem. If we can get drunk and make out in a parking lot but can’t pray together, go to bible study together, then that’s a problem. I don’t want you coming to my home at 2am, not because I don’t want to see you but because we live in a dangerous world and if you want to see me, I’ll come to you. If a woman sends me a sexy pic I’m going to admire it and delete it because phones get stolen all the time; I don’t want her image out there. If we’re meeting for dinner then I’m going to pick a restaurant on her side of town because I’d rather drive home tipsy then have her because the odds that she isn’t going to drive and text are slim. That’s my value system, that’s who I am. I won’t apologize for it.

I take pride in seeing that a woman’s car is dirty and washing it. I like asking her for her keys so I can fill her car up because I have never met a woman that likes pumping gas. The best phone call in the world is when you can hear the smile in her voice when she jumps in a clean, fueled car knowing you’re the one that did that. We throw these words around like tricking, thirst, whipped when what I think you mean is spoiling, protecting, providing for. When I have a conversation with a woman I care about we’re not talking about other people, we’re talking about us. Our careers, our futures, our families. There’s value in honesty, in sincerity. If I say something that’s offensive or ignorant, tell me and I can either apologize or try to word what I was saying better. Life is too short for enemies, that’s my belief.

~ Demez F. White

Bad Religion

It’s Bad Religion to know it’s your birthday and I won’t be celebrating it with you. To know I won’t be the one surprising you at midnight and spoiling you for the entire day even though you’re already spoiled enough.

It’s Bad Religion to wish the baby you’re carrying was mine. To have day dreams of rubbing your stomach with cocoa butter so you won’t get stretch marks. Of reading books you have no interest in because I read it makes children smarter.

Bad Religion is comparing every woman I meet to you. Her laugh isn’t as subtle as yours. Her sex drive isn’t as passionate as yours, her compassion and jealously doesn’t run hand in hand like yours.

It’s Bad Religion to love and hate you in the same sleepless night. To give you credit for bringing out words and ambition I didn’t know I had but also bringing out insecurity and jealousy that scares the hell out of me.

Bad Religion is knowing that if I ever want to be happy I have to let you go.

Losing Blessings By Pretending…

391690_132115926895533_100002913805424_167373_1571942060_nUntil you get rid of the mindset of where you’ve been, you’ll never seize where you’re going.

~ Reverend T.D. Jakes

I listened to a sermon today in which he talked about David and I knew the story of King David. He killed a giant, he was a great king and general and picked up where Moses left off. And I also knew about him taking a man’s wife while sending him into battle. What I didn’t know is that as punishment for having her husband killed and taking a married woman God took the child that came from that union.

David begged and pleaded and promised he would never do it again but God said there had to be retribution for your sins. And that punishment was the death of his child. David cried and mourned and cursed God but in the end he learned from his mistakes and made another son which would end up being one of the greatest leaders in the bible, Solomon.

The message I got from that parable was that sometimes we just have to take our punishment and move on. Told harp on it, don’t carry it like a weight for the rest of your life, just accept that you sinned and that you paid a price.

We tend to judge ourselves harder than anyone and when we’re finished judging ourselves we want to become someone we’re not in order to make up for those mistakes. But how can you truly be sorry if you can’t even accept that the person who made those mistakes is real?

How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that you’re a lie, a fraud?

When you pretend you’re taking away blessings and you’re stopping your own growth.

A couple years ago I got demoted at work. I kept my same pay but I went from running twenty million dollar construction projects, being my own boss to picking up dead dogs and changing out old stop signs and speed limit signs. I was taking orders from men I’d literally ignored for years, saw them and didn’t even speak to them. I prayed and asked God why this was happening to me and I got no answer. But what I did get was humbled. I learned to talk to people and learned how to follow, to take criticism and instruction. What was a low point in my life became a strength and opportunity and when I realized it all I could do was smile and say, “Thank you God.”

When you have so much pride and such a high opinion of yourself you’re setting yourself up to take a fall. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment because you decided to get on that high horse. You miss out on blessings because you feel like you are the blessings.

I have a lot of growing and a lot of learning to do but what I can say is that I am growing and learning. I’ve missed a lot of blessings in my life fronting and lying, there’s no other way to put it. I’ve lost amazing women and probably hurt so many more. I’ve disappointed family and myself but I can take solace in the fact that God has forgiven me, in the fact that my family has forgiven me and in the fact that what I lost in one woman I’ll eventually gain in another.

Just be you and watch the blessings flow…

Demez F. White

The crosses I bear do not define me but strengthen me…

There are nights when I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

There are nights when my fears and insecurities far outweigh my strengths.The crosses I bear do not define me but strengthen me. They do not hold me down but they give me the courage I need to keep walking. Because if Jesus could walk with a cross on his back to die for our sins… What complaints shall I have? What should I fear when I know it’s in me to be strong enough?

Pain and hate have a way of eating at you, those feelings have a way of tearing at the core of what makes us likeable and loveable and spontaneous. There are moments that I wonder if I’ll make it, if I’ll survive.

Not physically necessarily but giving up on my dreams to be more than just another statistic. More than just another guy trying to make it.

I want to make my grandparents proud before their time comes.

I want my mother to be comfortable.

I want my wife and children to never want for anything even though they aren’t even in my life yet.

I carry these burdens and crosses because it’s the only way I know how. Pride may come before the fall but I guarantee you I will not fall! I will not give up nor retreat! I will become successful, holding my shield up for the world to see or be carried away to God on that shield.

The crosses I bear do not define me, they do not weaken me, but they strengthen me.

“7 Adult Reasons Why Women Cheat…”

I base most of my writing on the ideal that I’m dealing with real readers and real people. We aren’t all Saints, we don’t all live in perfect bubbles. Some of us have cheated and lied and did things others will never know about. If you’re one of those women that has never cheated or lied or had sex outside of a relationship, congrats.

You may want to stop reading now and go have a pillow fight with a Unicorn. As for the rest of you, enjoy. And to any male readers I may have, just know if you’re doing any of these things to your woman she may not be cheating per say but you’re most def losing her one way or the other.

Reason Seven: Lowering Her Standards… There is nothing like getting accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I’ve never dated a woman that cooked everyday or wanted to have sex every night but if I did I probably couldn’t go back. It’s the same with women. If she’s dating a guy that’s meeting all her needs financially and this doesn’t mean she doesn’t work. This just means he supplements her lifestyle, before she was living paycheck to paycheck, now he pays a bill or two, buys groceries and clothes. She’s gotten used to having that extra money, having a man that doesn’t want her to want for anything. So dating you and you’re broke or struggling, she’s having to help you. Having to play the role her ex played. That’s not easy for a lot of women and it becomes very tempting to walk back thru those old doors. To call or text the guy that treated her like you simply can’t. It doesn’t make her less of a woman, it just makes her human. It’s hard out here when you’re on your own.

Reason Six: Sex… The Elephant in the Room… It’s important, it always was, it always will be. Sex is a unique thing because when it’s right it can right so many wrongs but when it’s wrong it’s incredibly frustrating. I wrote a blog awhile back about “Emotional Cheating” and how it’s worse than physical cheating because it simply means more. But a lot of emotional cheating starts because sexual needs aren’t being met. Quick question? Are there still guys in 2012 that don’t do oral? Answer, yes. My inbox is full of women that are frustrated with how selfish their mate is. Frustration and selfishness leads to vulnerability which leads to “friendships” which lead to… her bussin it wide open for good conversation. Once again, adults have affairs, this note isn’t about what’s right or wrong, it’s about what happens in the real world.

Reason Five: Children (Whispers: Yes Children)… Children and finances are the number one cause of resentment. Women have babies by men they were planning on breaking up with next week and those kids come up looking like those men. Those kids kill dreams and ruin bodies and strain relationships. It sounds really good to say, “I love my baby and I couldn’t imagine life without him/her” but that’s bullshit. I’ve talked to so many really good mothers that simply weren’t ready to be mothers and that’s not a bad thing. Children are expensive and needy and helpless and they change the course of lives. So when this man that you don’t love isn’t being a good dad, isn’t being a good provider but you’re staying in there for the sake of the child, she’s going to cheat. Smart ones will leave but when it comes to children and their fathers smart isn’t always on the top of the list. So when she gets a breath and she starts to remember the man she wanted before the loser knocked her up she may just creep. A night or two, an afternoon or two, just to remember what life was like before.

Reason Four: Friendships… Why do men and women both hate that “bestfriend” term when it comes to the opposite sex? Because more than not that friendship derived from a place of mutual attraction. And the thing about mutual attraction is that it never goes away. From a man’s perspective, women are easy to talk to when I’m struggling because I can’t be myself with a guy. And most women hate talking to other women because they already know what she’s going to say. Really bad fights with her man, she finds out he’s cheating, she finds out he’s lying. She runs to that “bestfriend” and even if it’s only for a night, for a moment, she finds comfort in his lips, his touch. Because she knows she can trust him and she knows that whatever happens will stay between them. The thing I try to tell other guys and most eventually get is that women are just smarter than us. They are graduating college at a faster pace, raising families on their own and they cheat better than us. Friendships = comfort= trust= opportunity.

Reason Three: Revenge… Vengeance is a natural and raw human emotion. Imagine a friend calling you and telling you the person you love, have sacrificed for, have cried over, have believed in…. is at Pappadeaux on 610 or Kirby in a booth feeding some chick fondue. You pace the house, call his phone ten times and get no answer. So against your better judgment knowing it’s true you go up there and there he is. With his ex that played him or some girl that liked waaaay too much stuff on FB or even worse he’s with a downgrade. You know yelling and cursing isn’t going to do a thing and hitting him or fighting her isn’t what you’re about. But what you do know, what every woman knows from birth is that men can’t handle the thought of dick running inside of their woman. We’re weak when it comes to that, we go crazy. So all his bullshit, all the hurt he’s caused leads her to want revenge. Leads her to fuck a man she’d never even go out with just to spite him, to hurt him. Women hate talking about revenge sex because it’s beneath most of you but it’s thriving. Especially when you have a generation of men that don’t know how to do wrong right.

Reason Two: Opportunity… I had a book signing at aLoft last year, there was drinks and flirting and it was just a really nice atmosphere. There was this woman there that I knew was married, she didn’t hide it and she didn’t seem overly unhappy. We were talking and she just started to tell me how bored she was. It was quite honest and innocent but I could just tell she wasn’t there so much for my book but just to get out the house. There are a lot of women that don’t have girlfriends and that have men that have become complacent. So that night was her just wanting to be alive and I told her I had a room upstairs and we flirted but nothing came of it. However, I’m pretty sure, and this could be the arrogance of a writer, that if I would have pushed the issue she would have came upstairs. Not because she didn’t love her husband or her child. But because she was 34 feeling like her life was work, family and missionary sex. When women are bored or lonely and they get that vacation opportunity or that one guy that just makes sense when she knows she’s not wearing panties. Things between adults happen.

Reason One: Religion… Religion is the single most smothering trait women deal with. It’s judgmental and it’s one sided. Religion teaches submission and controls the masses with fear. That’s religion alone but religion combined with spirituality and faith lead to fulfilling lives.  But most people are fraud when it comes to faith. Why do you think you see so many women that quote Rick Ross or Wale or Friday night but have all the scriptures popping on Sunday or when they’re stressed? It’s not because they’re fake it’s because they feel guilty for sinning so they try to be extra religious. But this is the thing, God created us to be flawed, we will make mistakes, we aren’t meant to judge each other. And what happens is women get judged so hard for these small sins that they start to suppress sexuality and they do things that make no damn sense. Like being submissive to men that haven’t deserved it. Falling for sham preachers or deacons or guys that are general fuckups but tell you they love the Lord. You want to get some easy ass, go to a Bible Study and pretend to be interested and women will fall over you because they’ve been conditioned to “Love a Godly Man.” And that woman has a man at home that would rather watch the Lakers or Texans than go to church so that “Godly” man has his opening. I’m not knocking real faith and real belief but I know a lot of creeping taking place in the name of Jesus.

 

These aren’t scientific thoughts, this is just a man that loves debate, conversation and sharing real words and real topics with real people. I was put on this earth to write and put smiles on people’s faces.

 

Demez F. White