Having Daughter’s Isn’t God Punishing You For Being A Womanizer; It’s Just Your Guilty Conscience

father and daughterYesterday was Mother’s Day and I spent it at my cousin’s house with family. As we were outside talking about life and kids and responsibility we started to talk about children. And how it was a consensus among all the men that having daughters was somewhat terrifying. Not because little girls are worse than boys or grow up to be angry women but because of our guilty consciences.

For all of my life, even before I started dating I knew there were double standards for boys and girls. Men are often times praised for having multiple conquest and women are shamed for it. A guy can be a whore is entire life and if he changes to be faithful to one woman and love her right; the whole world applauds him. On the other hand, if a woman is a whore, that stigma never leaves. That’s an entirely different conversation but just as example.

I’m not sure when this became a thing but it’s probably been around for centuries. Somewhere along the way men got it in their heads that God or fate was cursing them by giving them daughters. Especially if that man was a womanizer. You want to know something funny and sad at the same time? Watch a grown man project all of his guilt and sins and tortured conscience onto an innocent child. Not because she’s doing anything wrong but because in her he sees every woman he ever lied to, cheated on, misused or abused. In her he sees fear, the fear that he’ll have to dry her tears because a man breaks her heart.

As much as we want to believe that having a daughter is karma for the bad you’ve inflected on others; a much easier thought to believe is that maybe there’s no secret revenge plot by God and fate but it was just the sperm that made it first. Maybe instead of projecting your insecurities onto your daughter, you could give her confidence and not let the double standards and misogyny that you were raised with live in how you raise her. Maybe you raise a daughter strong enough not to ever let a man disrespect her like you disrespected women. All of that takes looking inside of yourself.

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Stop Blaming Social Media or Outdated Stereotypes for Bad Behavior

385448_213663785373354_118911191515281_532154_1408080341_nI’ve been in a relationship for about two years now. You know how many women that I was friends with or that I knew casually have approached me in a manner that’s flirtatious or disrespectful? None. Not one. Every text, phone call or message has been to congratulate me or simply to catch up or say hello. Women don’t find men in relationships more attractive; often times men in relationships let the world know they’re still available.

There’s perception and then there’s reality. You can’t flirt and be accessible and friendly and then complain that women or men aren’t accepting of your relationship. I have some amazing friends that I’d hang out with. Happy hours, long conversations, dropping them off at the airport. Once I got in a relationship or they got in a relationship that friendship dynamic changed. They had a long day, they call their man. They go to happy hour or talk about it, with their man. The same for me. They aren’t acting funny or being fake friends, it’s just called growing up.

I want to ask a serious question. Have you ever seen someone that was in a dope relationship talk about other people’s relationship or problems? I don’t mean casual pillow talk with your man or woman. I don’t mean casual gossip with your girls. I mean, it’s every day and it’s not just one or two couples but it’s all the time. You don’t see that type of behavior out of people that are good. But you see it out of people that are lying to themselves.

If a woman compliments my writing at 2am and I respond in her inbox, “Thanks, I love when women are up late reading my words.” With that one sentence I just told her I was available. I can try and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem with women these days, they think every guy is flirting, etc. But I’d be lying to myself. There are lines you don’t cross and you shouldn’t want to cross. Not if you’re happy with what you have at home.

Stop Expecting Rewards for Doing What You’re Supposed to Do

dwhiteI was cutting the yard yesterday. I was weed eating and playing in the flower beds and I was filthy. My girlfriend saw me and said, “You’re filthy but you look cute.” Instead of saying thank you I replied, “I know. When a man is doing manly type work you’re supposed to be turned on by that.” Her response to my arrogance was “So you want me to give you credit for doing what you’re supposed to be doing?” I smiled and thought about that. Was I wanting credit for doing what I was supposed to be doing or was I just feeling good about doing something I said I would do?

A couple days ago I was getting my inspection sticker for my work truck and I was with this guy I was training. While we were there a woman walked in and she was attractive. She sat down next to me and I could tell she wanted to ask me something but she was hesitant. “They are telling me I need a new gas cap; they told me the same thing last year and I feel like gas caps don’t go bad in a year?” I told her just to tell them that she would take her car somewhere else and not to worry about it and I’m pretty sure they’ll chill. She did that and got her inspection sticker. She thanked me, I said no problem and I left.

The guy I was training said, “She seemed interested, why didn’t you get her number.” I told him I had a girlfriend and there was no need in making a new friend that was never going to be a friend anyway.

You don’t get medals for doing the right thing, there’s no “likes” or “retweets” or pats on the back. There’s simply piece of mind and knowing you can sleep at night or leave your phone unattended. There’s no gift cards or frequent flyer miles; there’s simply coming home from work and knowing your lights, water and gas will be on.

Expecting rewards for doing what you’re supposed to do is only going to break your heart and make you seek out something more. The reward for doing what you’re supposed to do is knowing you’ll never have to answer for doing something you had no business doing.

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White

Watching Superman Become Human

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n I’ve often said I’ve been blessed in life because I haven’t had anyone close to me die. Some older aunts and uncles, cousins I didn’t really know. Even when my grandmother died on my father’s side I couldn’t feel much pain because I didn’t really know the woman.

This past year or so has been hard on my grandfather. He’s had to have both his legs amputated and for a man that’s spent his entire life being self-sufficient, being a worker; I can see that it’s eaten away at his soul, his spirit.

Maybe if he was younger he’d be more willing to fight, more willing to push in rehab or willing to learn to walk again. He’s in his late 70’s though and when you get the age and your body can’t do what it used to do it scares you.

It’s hard for him to get in the bed so when he comes home from dialysis or the doctor I have to go to my grandparents’ home and literally pick him up and put him the bed. I can tell it’s uncomfortable for him, we’ve never been close. I learned a lot from him and he was always a good provider but we never had that bond.
He has to put his arms around my neck while I pick him up. It takes a lot some days for me not to cry or show weakness in front of my grandmother or mother or aunts, cousins. I know I have to be strong for them so I am. I may crack a joke to lighten the mood or standby but on the inside seeing him sad, not able to go outside and sit in the garage or work on a car breaks my heart.

Watching my grandmother care for him and have to handle things she never handled before breaks my heart. I was going to move to Austin, I was going to but I can’t leave them like this. I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
I’ve never had a lot of friends, never been that guy that cared much about making them. It’s always been family and work for me. I don’t care if you like me but you will respect my work ethic and my loyalty.

At 5am on a Tuesday morning as I sit at my office desk, tired from the nights work. Too tired to eat or go work out but not sleepy enough to go home. So I write. I put my emotions and feelings on this piece of electronic paper. I share with the world what it’s like to watch Superman become human. I share with my readers what it’s like to watch a man that people always asked for help be the one that needs the help. At 5am on a Tuesday morning I use my God given ability to write to breathe.

Give people their flowers while their living because some bible verse somewhere says, “No man knows the time nor the hour.”

Demez F. White

Where Are the Black Fathers?

You don’t deserve the right to be happy.

You don’t get to decide whether or not you’re going to be a part of your child’s life because you don’t like his mother.

When you went inside of her raw, probably on more than one occasion you forfeited your right to being selfish.

When she called you or sat you down and told you she was pregnant, at that moment you no longer lived for you.

That mindset is what’s lacking in my community. It’s the mindset that’s lacking in the men I call brothers. Somewhere along the way we got it in our heads that our happiness and satisfaction trumps that of the seeds we created. That if his/her mother doesn’t want to do what I say or act right then let her and her new man take care of that kid. You may know some really good men, I know some really good fathers. But as a whole, the African American community has more single mothers and grandmothers raising children than any other race on this planet. And I mean that literally by the way, on this planet! This isn’t Uganda where the fathers aren’t home because they’re in Civil War. This isn’t Panama where the fathers aren’t home because they’re off in mines working. This is America where black fathers aren’t home because when things get hard they just go create another family.

If you’re reading this… Raise your hand if you know a man that couldn’t make it work with his child’s mother or wife so he just left. Just left and started a new family like that other child didn’t need his love, advice, care, protection. Raise your hand if you know women that are simply happy when their son or daughter gets a phone call.

Look, I could sit up here and blame drugs, violence, the job market, racism, any number of things on a father not being a father in the black community. But at the end of the day when you go to a little league game and it’s 75% mothers out there. When you go to a church event and it’s 90% mothers. Men are around, we’re in the clubs, we’re on Facebook, we’re at Texans games tailgating but you know where we aren’t? We aren’t raising our children…

My father has 14 children by 10 different women. He wasn’t a father to any of us, that’s 14 lives that had to figure it out on their own. 14 lives that couldn’t go to their father for loan money to start a business Mitt Romney. 14 lives that at some point wondered “why doesn’t my father love me?” I was blessed to have a grandfather that showed me the way. Some of the others weren’t so lucky and they just repeated the cycle. That breaks my heart more than I could ever express. Be a father to your sons and daughters or else…

Or else they won’t make it. I’d like to write that most kids from single parent households are just as capable but that’s not true. How can you be capable when you’re worried about your mother? When you’re confused about your father? You lose that ability to unlock all your potential. That’s why children from two parent families do better.

“Where are all the black fathers? They’re somewhere not taking responsibility for the lives they helped create. You don’t get to move to another State to be happy when your son needs you. You don’t get to ignore your daughter because she looks too much like her mother. You forfeit the right to be selfish the moment she shows you that plus sign on the stick.

If you’re doing the right things as a man I salute you and if you’re not fuck you.

I don’t have children but I used the word we in this post because I’m still a black man. And it’s still my right and responsibility to hold these kids down. It’s all our responsibilities.