You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

lies You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

We’ve had beautiful weather almost this entire month. Gas is cheap enough where with a hundred dollars in your pocket you can be in Kemah or Austin for a Saturday of drinks and laughs and crawfish or BBQ. I haven’t had to cut my AC or Heater on in my home in like two weeks which means my bills won’t be harassing me. It’s been a good month so why are there so many miserable people? So many unhappy/ I’m looking for a fight sort of people. It’s because people have a hard time accepting that their version of happy and their story isn’t going to match someone else’s.

You know something I’ve never fully understood? It’s adults that work and live in the real world that make fun of other adults that spend income tax money. I want to scream, “YOU DO REALIZE INCOME TAXES COME FROM TAXES TAKEN OUT OF YOUR INCOME!” And furthermore it doesn’t mean you make too much money when you get no taxes back. Do you own a home, have children, donate to charity, have student loans, the list goes on. So this idea that “I don’t need my income tax money because I’m good” is crazy! I go to work everyday and every month they take taxes out of my check. Do they hesitate to take that money? Can I say, “Chill for a couple months Uncle Sam, I will pay you all my taxes in a couple months.” Yeah, I can’t.

In the mid to late 2000’s I would see people I went to high school with graduating from college and all I could think was, “I graduated higher than them. That person could barely read. They asked me for help with that exam.” I’d see men that cheated or weren’t responsible traveling with pretty women and getting married. Maybe back then I wouldn’t have admitted this but that made me so depressed. There were weeks where I didn’t even log onto Facebook because I couldn’t see that. Ten years later I see the error in my logic. Their happiness wasn’t a condemnation on my value or self-worth. Instead of being happy for them, I was a hater. It’s impossible for a hater to be happy. My journey is my journey, good or bad, win or lose.

I remember being at 300 before it was this new bowling alley and a woman that worked at a law firm invited me to her companies bowling outing. I was working picking up dead dogs, cleaning the sides of the roads, flagging cars at intersections. I didn’t meet them in my work clothes, I didn’t even throw on some jeans and a sweater. I put on a suit and walked in there like I’d just left a board meeting. Gas tank on E, maybe 5 dollars in my pocket. When someone asked me why I was drinking water all night, I told them, “It’s an early morning and I live far.” What I remember most about that night is taking a picture and posting it online and having all these people say things like, “I see you.” “Looking good.” “I want an invite.” I was putting on for some likes knowing I was hungry as hell and wanted to take them up on their offers of drinks and food. Pride and insecurity are horrible combinations. You never know what people that look like they have it all together are going through. Love your journey and your struggle.

Two Voices: One Relationship; One Year

Her Words

Paradox. Thru my eyes my first year in this relationship is summed up in one word: Paradox. This year has been the most beautiful ugly I have ever experienced. We weren’t supposed to be; two tortured souls on different sides of the fence. I’m not even sure we were supposed to be friends. A slave to pain, I knew I loved you the fist time you hurt me. I needed someone to love, I needed someone to gift myself to.

His Words

I’m not even sure what the word paradox means, even though I’m a writer I suck at spelling and am horrible with definitions. If I had to sum up this first year in one word it would be, scary. I’ve spent my entire life being responsible to myself, to my own feelings. Learning to be responsible for someone else’s feelings, someone else’s heart, it scared me. I’m not sure I wanted a girlfriend or even someone to seriously date. I think I just needed a best friend. I needed that Love and Basketball, Brown Sugar, No Strings Attached type of friendship. How do you prepare for needing one thing and falling into something else?

mr-and-mrs-smith2

Her Words

I’ve learned so much in the first six months, like how it’s possible to love again. How the definition of love stays the same but the connotation changes. The expressions of love are all individualized. The allocation of love is circumstantial; and my love for the man that fell into my life was unconditional. I had never lived away from home let alone with someone. To see him have my back everyday despite fights, personal feelings, and dealing with his own demons, made my respect for him grow. All while hating his flaws and mistakes.

His Words

I should write a how to manual. How to be a jerk in six months time, how to push someone in six months time, how to lie and be unapologetic in six months time. What do you call it when you’re not a boy but you’re not a man? When you’re responsible and logical and respected but spoiled, insecure and demanding? You call it the first 6 months of this relationship. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s not that I didn’t want her around, it’s that I didn’t know how to return the all engaging love I was being given. Is it possible to resent someone for wanting the best for you, for seeing the best in you? Is it possible to want her to see your flaws so that your words don’t break her heart?

Her Words

The last six months unveiled myself to me. How would I deal with REAL temptation? How would I hold up under real adversity and trials? I’ve let myself down a lot over this past year. But I would redo it every time. Some are not privileged to experience what I have experienced in this past year. To find love once is rare. To experience it on this level; even more so. This year was crazy beautiful and painfully sweet. This year wasn’t fair to me. This year broke me, scarred me, aged me, contradicted me, taught me, soothed me. This year gave me valuables.

His Words

For most of my life I’ve prided myself on being a better man than my father. On being a better man than most of the men I know. This last six months have shown me that every man is one mistake, one relationship, one loving or forgiving woman a way from his own self destruction or self reflection. I have no regrets because each fight, tear, loss has lead me to this exact moment right here. In a generation of women that seem to want everything ready made it’s rare to find a woman that wants to fight the war with you and doesn’t just want the kingdom. She still talks a lot and wears waaaaay too many of my good shirts to lounge in but I wouldn’t exchange her for the world. Well, maybe the world but not a city or country or something 🙂