Women, Double Standards and Fireworks…

black woman crying I’m the first man to admit that being nice and being weak aren’t the same thing. When women are younger I can see how they confuse the two but there’s not really an excuse for it as they get older. This is a known and something I’ve written about several times so I won’t go there tonight. Tonight I want to write about something else.

Double Standards.

You want to know something I will never understand despite my intelligence and slight arrogance. How can women deal with men that cheat, lie, are emotionally or in some cases physically abusive? How can women accept disrespect and disinterest for years in some cases from men that are just bad guys? How can they accept this and forgive them time after time but yet some men can’t so much as make a slight mistake and he’s dismissed? It’s like the higher you set the standard, the less room you have to screw up. Does that make much sense?

This last couple years I’ve personally dealt with so many women that get so dismissive or upset over the smallest things I do. Just so we’re clear, some have been romantic situations but most are strictly plutonic. Women that have gotten married and kept ex-boyfriends has friends but erased me. Women that I helped stand up after rock bottom but because I didn’t call for a week or said no they lost their mind. Long nights talking about men that stole money, slept with their friends, didn’t take care of children, broke promises… Men they forgave easily but I didn’t deserve that same forgiveness? You have to understand, I can deal with a woman not being interested, that happens to the best of us. It’s the other side of the coin that sort of takes a little bit out of me each time it happens.

With each time I feel myself becoming just a tad bit colder. I feel myself becoming a tad bit more annoyed. I’m a good listener, a good friend, not because I want to in most cases but because I know how it feels to feel like there’s no one to talk to, I know how it feels to simply want to vent.

The way I’m starting to feel I’m just not sure anymore. I could have really used a friend today and instead I have my writing and my music, it’s a cold world right?

Sex Isn’t Underrated… Sex With the Wrong Person Is Overrated

betterI’ve never gotten to know my father. I have 13 or 14 brothers and sisters out there I’ll never really know even if I started to track them down today. I imagine each and every one of them came from lust, including myself. They came from moments of pleasure that have left them feeling alone, abandoned, sad at times. I never want to be that man that does that to a child.

Having sex with the wrong person can change your life and not for the better.

Is it hard?

Literally and figuratively but for my sanity and for me to grow up as a man it’s what I need to do. There are mornings like today that I can’t even sleep because the company of a woman is all I can think about. Those moments pass though and I know the temporary pleasure isn’t worth the feeling of guilt and shame the moments after will bring.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about moral responsibility, about accepting that our bodies and emotions and passions just aren’t meant for everyone. This isn’t easy for me, I’m a man that loves women a lot, but what I also know is that loving them is no good if there’s no meaning behind it.

You can’t duplicate great chemistry. You can’t replace the feeling of a naked body moist and sweaty under you. That feeling is one that makes us do dumb things, it makes us meet places we shouldn’t meet, crave people we shouldn’t crave. It’s not real though, it’s our bodies speaking a language our hearts will never understand or agree with. Sex is meant to be guiltless so when you feel that guilt just know it can’t be real.

I tried to think about all the women I’ve slept with over the years and the truth is I took a piece of them they can never get back. They gave themselves to me and I to them and we deserved more than that. Sex has to be about more than wet spots and wet lips.

Perfect Person… Not Perfect Timing…

“Why do you do this to yourself? She’s pregnant and a cute pregnant too, she has the ring on her finger and the keys and cards to everything he owns. You know him.”

“I’m not doing anything to myself, I’m just looking, I can’t look.”

“You can do what you want but it’s only hurting you, so what’s the point?”

I knew she was right but I wasn’t ready to let her know that. Every time I looked at the pictures of them, of her, I was ready to scream! I studied the pictures on Facebook like I was studying for an exam. I wanted to find something, just something to poke fun at. But pregnancy agreed with her. She had a glow, fuller breasts and an ass she didn’t have before. She went from being pretty to fine all because she was carrying his baby.

My roommate was the only person that knew I was becoming a borderline stalker in my spare time. I never liked or commented on anything but I checked his page faithfully to see him bragging about the son that was coming.

12:24am On my way to CVS for some ice cream and snickers, then to Taco Bell for a Mexi melt, my lil man is going to be a linebacker or o-lineman with the way she’s eating.

3:34am She’s having trouble sleeping, if she’s not sleep I can’t sleep. I put on some Raheem DeVaugn and rub her feet, they’re a little swollen. Talk to him in her stomach, let him know to take it easy on her. I know she’s ready for him to be here, damn I love this woman.

6:45am On my way to work, I thought hard about calling in but her sister is coming over to keep her company and plus I think she’s tired of me lol. Lakers tip off tonight, D. Howard and Kobe = Championship!

I knew him better than anyone, I knew he wasn’t putting on. He meant every word, he would have taken off six weeks if she asked him to.

“Let’s go to Sugarhill or 5th Amendment tonight and drink and dance our lives away. I’m off tomorrow and you’ve already given your dissertation and killed it, we need to celebrate chica!” She was dancing around our two bedroom apartment like we were already in the club. I had no idea how she was so comfortable being in just her panties all the time, if the windows were open guys were getting the peep show of their lives.

I shut my laptop and poured myself a glass of wine. I didn’t cheat on him, I didn’t lie to him or steal from him. The sex was great and our chemistry was off the chain, wearing his hoodie and laughing at my silly best friend moonwalk across the floor all I could see is him holding her, kissing her, proposing to her. All because I chose my career, my doctorate, my passion over him. He asked for my hand in marriage and Northwestern asked for four years of my life. A part of me felt like if he loved me he would have came to Chicago with me but his family was here, his career, his writing. I chose to have a Dr. in front of my name and he chose to kiss me goodbye. I wasn’t built to be the other woman and he wasn’t built to be a cheater. So where did that leave us? Friends… friends that needed to taste and touch and swallow each other? Fuck life…

“Ger out of dream world Lex! Fuck him! It’s his lost! I love him like a brother but if he couldn’t support what you wanted to do move one girl! You’re killing my buzz being sad all the time. You’re a freaking doctor and you’re bad as a two year old!”

I smiled even though I didn’t feel like smiling. My girl was my girl but she was a man eater, if they weren’t on her schedule or her plan they were out of there. I respected her for that but I knew she had a lot of heartbreaks to get there.

“I’m going to get ready, I do need to get out.” She pulled me up and kissed me on the lips, she was so extra.

I went to my room and locked the door. I don’t know why but I needed to hear his voice, to talk to him. His number wasn’t programmed in my phone but I knew it by heart. I didn’t think about it, I just called… He answered as soon as it rang, I could tell he was excited. His voice sounded the same, he sounded happy. I said hello, I said I just wanted to congratulate you on the engagement and the baby. He told me he’d seen on FB that I was officially Dr. Alexis Sinclair now and that he was proud of me. We were quiet, we were reading each other’s mind. We were always reading each other. He said it should be me having his baby, that he still loved me. I cried and told him I still loved him too and that he should have waited. We were quiet again and he asked to see me. I was quiet and I told him no and hung up the phone.

We couldn’t be friends, our chemistry didn’t rock like that.

I asked God to be a doctor and he gave it to me.

I didn’t know it would cost me the love of my life.

Reasons…

This note was supposed to give three reasons a piece for ‘them loving you more’ and ‘them loving you more’ but I decided to take the three away and to just give several reasons a piece. It’s easier this way considering I get carried away at times.

Reasons You Should Love Them More Than They Love You…

Have you ever tried being in a relationship with someone that you weren’t crazy about? Scratch that, have you ever tried being on a date with a good person that you weren’t necessarily attracted to? That’s not to say the person wasn’t attractive in general, it just means you weren’t attracted to them in that… ‘I can’t wait to touch him/her’ sort of way.

It’s not a good feeling, because it feels like a waste of time. You’re there, they’re cracking jokes you don’t care for. They’re smiling and happy and all you can think about is what the person you’re crazy about would be doing in this situation. She’s sitting there but all you see is another woman’s smile, another woman’s cleavage. She’s soft and sweet but when you look in her eyes you don’t fall hard.

Now multiply that times ten… That’s what it’s like when you’re in a relationship with someone that isn’t what you want in your heart. It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy, it simply means you’ll never have all your desires satisfied. You can be happy and grateful and feel a sense of love but you’ll never feel ‘That’ sense of love.

Knowing you’re coming home to someone that you love more than anything on this earth is the best feeling in the world. Picking up a woman that you feel so much passion for, so much intensity for, it’s perfection in motion. Whether you’re buying her a gift that you know she’ll love or picking up her favorite dinner, it doesn’t matter. Because making her happy is all you need to be happy. That’s the joy in loving a woman more than she loves you.

And let’s not fool ourselves, we know. We know when our emotions run just a little bit deeper than those of the person we’re with. It may not be noticeable to the naked eye but we know. And we don’t mind because we have them, because every moment  we spend with them is that much more special because we don’t know if it could be the last.

Every touch, every kiss, every smile they give is electric. It’s a privilege and an honor to have them on your side when you go out. Pride is a great trait to have in most situations but when you love someone more than they love you; you’ll push your pride aside with the quickness.

I imagine I’ll love my wife more then she loves me because I’m a people pleaser when it comes to women. And I don’t mind one bit.

As a matter of fact, anyone reading this. If you think about your greatest memories, your greatest romances. They’ll be with someone you were absolutely crazy about, not someone that treated you perfectly.  

Reasons They Should Love You More Than You Love Them…

Who doesn’t want to be adored?

Who doesn’t want to be the center of someone’s attention?

I often think about if I stopped writing on FB, if I cut my phone off and put it in my desk drawer. If I just got in my truck and drove away, who would go out of their way to look for me?

Not my family because they would almost be obligated to but what woman would lose her mind over me not being around anymore? And the answer to that question is probably no one. But if a woman loves me more than I love her, if I’m everything she wants and needs she’ll do whatever it takes to find me.

When someone loves you more than you love them you can see it in their eyes every time you’re around them. You hear it on the phone, they just want to please you.

Sexually.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

They put in the effort to make you happy and you love them for that. You’ll fight for them and trust them and hold them down because you know they’ll hold you down at any cost.

And is there anything more important in this life than knowing who’s willing to hold you down no matter what the cost?

One Reason Why the Love Should Be Perfectly Equal…

When love is perfectly equal, the story always makes sense. You don’t question her coming home late from work or spending the night at her mothers. You don’t trip when she asks you for your last because you know she would do the same for you.

There is no shame, no embarrassment, no fear.

When love is perfectly equal the engagements and perfect moments aren’t one sided.

It’s cool to have someone that loves you more than you love them.

It’s great to love someone more then they love you.

But it’s perfect to have someone that’s just as into you, just as crazy about you…

It rarely happens this way but when it does, it’s like everything in this Universe is aligned.

 

I write about love and perfection a lot. I know the two don’t necessarily go together but I do love the idea of them coming together. Maybe I’m a romantic, I can accept that. I just know my heart will always be in the right place.