How Do You Make A Relationship Work? Go In the Other Room and Put Your Phone Down

fullsizerender1Whenever I write about relationships I tell people I’m no expert. I’m not the man that’s going to give you five steps on how to be this perfect man or how to find your perfect woman. I’m simply a guy that’s sharing my experiences and learning as I go. One thing I’ve learned more than anything this past year is that arguments will happen and it isn’t the arguments that hurt your relationship, it’s what happens after.

My girlfriend and I both have social media profiles, followings. What we say matters, not on a Kim and Kanye level but on a level that will have people interested or at the very least paying attention. What neither of us can do is let our emotion or passion or anger spread to the world of social media.

Early in our relationship she’d get mad at me and get all Meek Mill with the Twitter fingers and I had to sit her down and let her know that’s not okay. And when I was upset or frustrated it wasn’t okay for me to run to my blog and write about it. You know what is okay? Working out, going to take a nap, calling your sister or friend to vent.

There’s nothing impressive about holding grudges and resentment with someone you want to hold and kiss and laugh with. It doesn’t make you gangster depriving yourself of kisses and tacos because the person you’d cross an ocean for pissed you off. Let that hurt go, put that phone down, cool down and Netflix and Chill.

If you’re halfway attractive or interesting people will co-sign anything you say. So you’re mad and put out there, “I don’t understand why my man can’t accept that some days I don’t feel like cooking.” You get random guys commenting, “I’d cook for you every night.” “Your man is selfish.” These guys aren’t doing anything but being cheerleaders in hopes that they’re first in line if your relationship doesn’t work. Women are even worse because they’re 10 times more passive aggressive with their flirting, “I work all week and I can’t even get a night to myself, my girl is tripping.” What I didn’t mention is that maybe there were issues in the past where I didn’t earn her trust. Maybe the men I’m hanging out with don’t respect my relationship and she’s worried they’ll put me in a compromising position. Stay offline and take a nap. Wake up and talk to your him or her, you’d be surprised at how something you thought was minor hurt them more than you knew.

 

 

Why Is My Generation Producing So Many Weak Men?

dwhiteI remember sitting in the garage as a kid and listening to my grandfather and our next door neighbor talk about everything from their wives to work. Men have always talked to each other and has conversations, gossiped but it was usually with each other. One man to another, not six or seven guys in a group chat.

I’m not going to sit on this computer and be that guy that’s mocking men for wearing skinny jeans and sweat pants that look like they belong to a 12 year old girl running track. Maybe that’s the style now and it’s a generational thing but I am going to condemn men for no longer wanting to be men.

This isn’t about being gay or straight or transsexual. That’s not what I mean by not wanting to be a man. I simply mean, we have too many guys out here that take more pleasure in taking selfies or arguing online than they do taking out the trash.

I’m sure women get messaged on social media all the time but ask most women when is the last time a man walked over to them, introduced himself. Started a conversation and was interesting and funny and at the end of that encounter, asked for a phone number or a date? It rarely happens anymore, guys would rather argue online about why women suck than actually pursue them. Comment on pictures and get mad when they don’t get a response. It’s not okay and it’s getting worse.

My father’s generation of men dropped the ball. I know too many men and women in their late 20’s to early 40’s that have no relationship or screwed up relationships with their father’s. Men that don’t know what it means to be strong because they never saw it. I know too many guys that have moved from their mothers house to their woman’s house and the only difference is they respect their mom.

It doesn’t make you weak because you don’t make the money your woman makes or because you’re going through a hard time. It makes you weak when you aren’t trying and when you’re too proud to accept help and it’s at the expense of your relationships well being.

You ever been siting on the couch watching a game and your women comes out the room and asks, “How do I look?” She does a little spin and smiles and you give her that look like, “You aren’t wearing that out this house or if I’m not with you.” She knows it’s not coming from insecurity or being controlling. The respect she has for you and your opinion makes her go in that room and change, she respects your strength, even if she feels like the dress isn’t that short or tight. She’ll do it for your peace of mind. When you’re a weak guy, you can’t make those types of request. Asking her to change, to cook when she’s tired, to come home early because you miss her. You can do that when she knows you hold her down.

A Person You Used to Know

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Have you ever been trying to find an email or some information so you’re looking through old messages and you come across someone you used to talk to everyday? When you think back to that moment in your life you would have thought it was unimaginable that you’d never talk to that person again. But it happened. Now they’re just a part of your history, memories that will fade as you get older and someone new has taken their spot.

One day you’re sitting at work wondering what you can do for her to make her smile. One day you’re worried because her stomach won’t stop hurting or she has these headaches that won’t go away. So you read somewhere that taking too much Tylenol is dangerous so you’re googling green tea recipes’ and different ways for her to get better. You go from all this to nothing, not even a text on a birthday or a card when you find out someone important to her has died.

In those moments right after it happens you’re sick, sick that you ever met her, sick that you ever loved her, sick that you still want her. In those moments you literally can’t imagine life without her but guess what happens? Time happens.

A week turns into a month. A month turns into several months, a year turns into making different memories. Instead of planning a wedding you’re planning a trip alone. Instead of game night you’re at a sports bar talking to strangers like you’re bestfriends.

Caring about someone more than you care about anyone on this earth and in the blink of an eye you aren’t even on speaking terms. That’s going to leave a bruise but bruises heal. It’s going to hurt, you’ll want answers some nights, some nights you’ll want to hold them, some nights you’ll want to fight them and then one night you’ll stop dreaming about what could have been. Part of being human is having feelings. It’s not just feeling and tasting the beauty but also the hurt.

Maybe it’s right person, wrong time.

Maybe it’s right time, wrong person.

Maybe you just messed up.

Either way, life goes on.

Trying to Keep My Faith

IMG_0001It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. Awhile for me is a week or so. I just woke up this morning with the desire to put my words down. For me faith is knowing something is going to happen or believing in something even though it hasn’t happened yet.

I have really good days and I have bad days. More good than bad but if I’m being honest there haven’t been too many good days lately. The funny thing is because of these bad days I keep feeling like I’m losing my faith but once I take a step back I realize my faith has been keeping me going.

Growing up my grandparents always told me to watch the company I keep. They told me that I didn’t need to travel in packs. “If you’re going to get in trouble, get in trouble by yourself.” My grandfather loved saying that even though I never actually got in any trouble. I regret that now. I regret not being more open to friendships.

There are times when I just need to talk, have a beer on the back of my truck with a friend and just talk. I never cultivated those friendships so here I am. That scares me.

I’m at a point in my life where I have no doubt I will be a success professionally. My writing is evolving, my readership is growing every day. I’m going to put out three novels this year and all of them are different. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve always wanted to be and sometimes I wonder if there’s a trade-off? Did me being a loner help me with my writing but made me anti-social with everything else in my life?

I once read that every great artist is tortured. That you can’t be a writer without pain. I always thought that was written by people who didn’t know how to write. Now I understand it. Now I understand that in order to find the words you have to live in the darkness.

 

A Compliment A Day

#AComplimentADay

#AComplimentADay

A compliment a day is my way of saying “Enough with social media bullying!” Instead of making fun of people or looking for reasons to be cruel, I want society to look for reasons to give compliments. It’s easy to look for the lowest common dominator to get a laugh but how would you feel if you were the person people were laughing at?

When I was younger I suffered from bullying and as I got older I bullied other kids. Never physically but I made people feel small with my words. I had someone point out what I was doing and I thought long and hard about the people I talked about.

It’s a vicious cycle and the only way to stop it is to set an example of what not to do. That example starts with adults. Our children, they only do what they see us do. Compliment a stranger, compliment a friend, be sure to use #AComplimentADay.

One voice is enough to get one more voice and then another and then another. After long we can all be a voice that affects change! So join me and help me make a difference.

~ Demez F. White

If We Grocery Shop Together; We Go Together

Shopping Together

Shopping Together

You want to know what’s just as intimate as kissing or cuddling in boxers while there’s a thunderstorm raging in the background? What you only do with the woman you love because to do it with anyone else would be blah? Grocery shopping.

We can have dinner together, we can walk arm in arm around Memorial Park on a beautiful day or City Centre on a beautiful night but nothing means, “I’m into you,” more than if we grocery shop together. It means I’m buying the food you like, it means I’ll have yogurt when I probably would have just bought Blue Bell. It means I’m going to insist we go on a Saturday so we can eat samples at Sam’s or Specs. It means we’ll argue about what’s better, Honey Nut Cheerios or Frosted Flakes. It means you’ll fuss at me for wanting to buy steak because red meat isn’t good for me. Grocery shopping together means I’m telling you no other woman is going to be opening up my fridge. ‘

Have you ever come home and put food up? Had her chopping up onions or lettuce or tomato’s while you got the meat ready? Drank a beer while she drank wine while music played and no words are needed because it just feels right.

If we grocery shop together; we go together.

If you take off your shoes and bra and soon as you come to my house after work; we go together.

If you don’t ask for it but just go get it. You already know what we are.

I don’t make the rules, I just enjoy them. It’s been years since I made groceries with someone, I have a feeling it’s coming around sooner than I think.

What I Want In A Wife

pofI should have entitled this, “What I need in a wife,” because that’s just how strongly I feel about this. See, lately I’ve been writing about how I’m turning 30 soon and that’s because I feel like it’s a landmark age. I’ve been careful not to marry the wrong woman, not to have children with the wrong woman, I’ve done these things because I believe very strongly that my destiny is tied to loving and building with the right woman.

So these are some things I want in a wife. Other men may have their own desires but these are strictly speaking for me.

A woman that loves herself more than anyone else does. I want her to not need me to tell her she’s beautiful or smart or worth all the love and attention I’m giving her. I need her to accept my affections knowing that she’s worth my affections.

A woman that has faith in our God. I don’t need her to love her bible or her preacher or her church. I want her to love her faith, to treat people like she’s want them to treat our children. I want her to pray with me, to hold my hand and pray that we’re living in the purpose God has created for us. When I was young my girlfriend at the time told me we never grew together in our faith and that pushed her away. It took me a long time to understand that; now I do. Now I’m looking forward to that spiritual foundation.

A woman that’s proud of me, that’s not ashamed to claim to me. I put a lot of myself in my blog, a lot of emotion and fears and desires. I will have no problem telling the world I love her and I need for her to do the same. I’ll hold her hand and face every enemy and problem and demon with her with no regard for what happens to me and if I’m willing to lay down my life and soul for her. I need her to do that for me.

I want to marry a woman that loves to read, that loves to talk. I’m a talker, I always have been. We can talk about whatever, just give me the conversation I crave. I want my wife to laugh with me, to argue with me, to cry with me, to share her mind with me.

A woman that’s passionate about something! It could be doing hair or accounting or working out but a woman that has her own identity.

I want to marry a woman that loves being sexy. That gets aroused when she sees me looking at her. I want my wife to be just as into me on our wedding night as she was on the first night we made love.

A woman that’s adventurous, whether it’s rock climbing or fishing or having sex in a parking lot on Christmas Even because we just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.

I want to marry a woman that loves fashion, that tries on three different outfits before she goes to work in the morning. That would never walk out the house in a shower cap or bathrobe, a woman that gets upset with a chipped nail or because she just curled her hair and all the curls fell. I love women that liked being women, that like being sensual. I want my wife to text and email me pictures of outfits she’s found online and ask my opinion. To come home with shoes she know she doesn’t need and know even though I’ll pretend I’m mad, I just want to see her pretty ass model them.

I want to marry a woman that understands how much I love my writing. That looks at me sitting at my laptop struggling to find the words and sits on my lap and kisses me and tells me everything will be okay. Just breathe and write and make sense of it later.

I want to marry a woman that wants to have my son just as much as I want her to have him.

I want to marry a woman that wants our little girl to be in Gerber commercials and to have so many baby clothes that when she gives them away tags are still on them. I can’t wait to brag about my beautiful wife and daughter and I want her to take bride in that.

Let’s go jogging and play tennis.

Let’s go to concerts and tailgate at Texans games.

I want a wife that’s happy. That’s happy because more than anything all I want is for her to be happy.