Drowning in the Darkness

20140803-095704.jpg Being positive is what I often encourage people to be. Have faith that if you do things the right way then you’ll eventually get the outcome you want. I’m good at talking to people, at seeing the big picture. What happens though when I can’t see the big picture for myself?

When no matter how hard I try and see the shore all I feel like I’m doing is drowning.

It scares me, not being able to breathe, not being able to just catch my breath.

It scares me knowing that no matter how hard I try I just can’t get my head above water.

I hate retreating to this dark place because I’m no good to anyone this way. The weight of the expectations I place on myself feel like a dozen cement blocks weighing me down.

As I type this I’m in my office at work alone. It’s a Holiday so no one else is here but I am, writing, working. Always writing, always working but never feel like I see the fruits of my labor. I put out a new book last night, the first one in 3 years. You know how many people bought it? One.

I’m just tired of trying to see the shore, tired of trying to swim. A part of me just wants to allow the waves to take me under.

I need to hurry and find some form of happiness before it becomes too late for me.

~ Demez

Don’t Fear Death; Fear Not Living

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n My back has been killing me the past few days so I went to the doctor today. I thought maybe I pulled something at work or slept wrong on the couch. She told me I had some fluid in my lungs, that my left lung was working twice as hard because my right lung was struggling.

It wasn’t back pain, it was my lung. “I think it’s a blood clot and if it is you need to go get a ct scan so we can get in and get it ASAP. In that moment my life flashed before my eyes. The seriousness in her eyes, the realization that I wasn’t overreacting when I felt like something just wasn’t right with my body. In that moment I thought I would die.

I’ve said so many times I’m not afraid of death, that I’m only afraid of dying unaccomplished. That’s bullshit, I don’t want to die at all, I don’t want to leave my family, I don’t want to not have a wife and a son and a daughter. I want to see my novels turned into movies and on library shelves. The fear was real and in those couple of hours waiting on those test results all I saw was all I didn’t accomplish. Sitting in the parking lot of the Kelsey Seybold clinic crying and praying and begging I knew that whatever happened, whatever the results my life would never be the same.

The test results came back negative in reference to the blood clot but the fluid is still here, the pain is still here, it’s still a struggle to breathe too heavily or talk too much. I still live with the fear that I’m going to lie down and not wake up. That I’m going to take a deep breath and not be able to exhale.

Most men love to say they have no regrets, I’m not one of them. There are so many things I regret, so many things I have to make right. So many kisses I need to give, so many trips I have to take, so many hugs I blew off.

If I’m being honest, I’ve seen my death so many times in my head. I’ve seen my family standing over me in the hospital room, I’ve seen their tears and I’ve felt their heartbreak. I’ve seen my last moments and as brave as I’d like to be that scares me because a part of me feels like it’s all coming true.

My body just doesn’t feel right and the more I pretend like everything is going to be alright to be strong for those around me, the more I’m coming to accept that I can’t live afraid to die. I have to live like I could die at anytime.

Don’t take life for granted because God says, “No man knows the hour or the time.”