Your Standards Aren’t too High; He’s Just Used to Women Lowering the Bar

So often when we have relationship conversations people use the extreme to get their point across. A man that doesn’t have money, a car, a home wants you to pick him up and take him on a date. Or it’s the other extreme where a man has this plethora of women and feels like he doesn’t have to try hard because he’s wealthy or successful. The simple truth is dating is like life, it’s more in the middle than it is any extremes.

You aren’t crazy for wanting a man to ask you out on a Wednesday. Call or text you early Saturday to confirm you’re still going out, tell you how you should dress for the atmosphere you’ll be in and give you options. It’s 2019, not every woman wants you to come to her home if she doesn’t know you. That’s why you ask. Would you like me to pick you up? Would you like to meet me? I can send you money for an Uber. None of these things are asking for too much, none of these are you saying, “My standards are here buddy.”

When you lower your standards to make a man feel comfortable, you’re making yourself feel uncomfortable. Don’t apologize for having standards because often times what you’re asking for isn’t even a lot. cropped-img_0118.jpg

Having Daughter’s Isn’t God Punishing You For Being A Womanizer; It’s Just Your Guilty Conscience

father and daughterYesterday was Mother’s Day and I spent it at my cousin’s house with family. As we were outside talking about life and kids and responsibility we started to talk about children. And how it was a consensus among all the men that having daughters was somewhat terrifying. Not because little girls are worse than boys or grow up to be angry women but because of our guilty consciences.

For all of my life, even before I started dating I knew there were double standards for boys and girls. Men are often times praised for having multiple conquest and women are shamed for it. A guy can be a whore is entire life and if he changes to be faithful to one woman and love her right; the whole world applauds him. On the other hand, if a woman is a whore, that stigma never leaves. That’s an entirely different conversation but just as example.

I’m not sure when this became a thing but it’s probably been around for centuries. Somewhere along the way men got it in their heads that God or fate was cursing them by giving them daughters. Especially if that man was a womanizer. You want to know something funny and sad at the same time? Watch a grown man project all of his guilt and sins and tortured conscience onto an innocent child. Not because she’s doing anything wrong but because in her he sees every woman he ever lied to, cheated on, misused or abused. In her he sees fear, the fear that he’ll have to dry her tears because a man breaks her heart.

As much as we want to believe that having a daughter is karma for the bad you’ve inflected on others; a much easier thought to believe is that maybe there’s no secret revenge plot by God and fate but it was just the sperm that made it first. Maybe instead of projecting your insecurities onto your daughter, you could give her confidence and not let the double standards and misogyny that you were raised with live in how you raise her. Maybe you raise a daughter strong enough not to ever let a man disrespect her like you disrespected women. All of that takes looking inside of yourself.


How Much Is A Life Worth?

batonThis past week has opened up my eyes to what so many people see me as. When you get caught up in being in your bubble you tend to forget that there’s a world out there that will always see you as a nigger. In my 6 years of writing this blog, this may be my first time saying this word.

These past two weeks have opened my eyes to something I was ignorant too. No matter your education, your intelligence level. The way you speak or the way you dress, too certain segments of this population seeing a black face means the same.
The moment I walked into my doctor’s office and told them I had an accident the first question they asked me was, “What lawyer sent you?” Thought that was odd but okay. I go back a week later and tell them I need a refill on my prescription, they ask, “You sure you’re in pain?” Thought that was odd but okay. I tell them my job needs an update and I’m told, “We can make sure you’re off work for months if you don’t want to work. They’ll pay for it.” Now it’s not odd, now there’s no okay. I want my fingers to heal so I can write, I want my shoulder to not feel like it’s in a vice grip every time I sit down or lie down. These implications that I’m a scammer or junkie or don’t want to work are offensive. “But sir, we didn’t ummm…” You didn’t what? Realize that these dumb ass assumptions are either racist or ignorant?

We can tell these boys and men out here to speak better English. To present yourself better, to watch how you talk to people, hold your head down, don’t make them feel uncomfortable. Don’t ask questions, don’t put yourself in a position to be misunderstood and shot. What is it going to take for us to stop asking these questions? To stop going at each other and realize we need each other? Would it be easier if a man like me was shot? A guy with no criminal record and no questionable pictures, a guy that has hundreds of blogs and articles people can quote? Life is life and not everyone’s life comes in a pretty package but they still deserve that life if they haven’t done anything to lose it.

Talking About Your Ex Says More About You Than Them

blog pic5I’ve always found it incredibly awkward when people go on rants about how unimpressive their ex’s were. Think about it for a minute, this is someone you spent countless days and weeks with. Someone you more than likely slept with and thought about marrying or having children with so why now are you letting the world know how sorry they were?

Every relationship isn’t going to end on good terms so I understand anger or resentment towards someone but being angry with what someone did isn’t the same as not appreciating what they meant to you.

My girlfriend was with her ex for 8 years or so. Of course we’ve talked about their relationship because that’s what couples do, you have those conversations about why it didn’t work, etc. But one thing she’s never done is went out of her way to bad mouth the man. I’ve never heard her mention any of his flaws to me and that’s how it should be. Just because you break up with someone it doesn’t mean you get the green light to be a jerk.

There are secrets that we only tell the people we’re most intimate with. Secrets you can only tell the man or woman that you love. What I could never respect is a person that tells those secrets after they’ve broken up with someone. That says so much about your character that you feel like it’s okay to betray someone’s trust just because you’re not longer together.

Let me be crystal clear. I want the woman I marry to have certain standards. I want her to only have claimed men that are equal to me or better men than me. I don’t need to know that I’m the smartest, most attractive, funniest, wealthiest guy she’s ever dated because what does any of that matter? I have her and she loves me for whatever I am or I’m not. Putting down someone else just to make someone feel better means that the person you’re with has some insecurity issues that they need to check.

Stop Talking About What You Want In A Wife and Start Talking About What You Want To Be As A Husband

  It’s really easy to talk about what we want in someone. I want a woman that’s fine and smart and sexy and giving, etc. I want a woman that’s caring and beautiful and fashionable. What we forget though, what matters more than what we want is who we are and what we attract. 

That leads me to the point of this article. Instead of constantly talking about what you want; talk about what you want to be. We attract what we are, it’s that simple. It’s easy to say we have bad luck or attract the wrong people but that’s not the case. We give people the time of day because there’s something in them that we see in ourselves.

When I think about the type of husband I want to be I don’t think about what my future wife would want or be attracted to. I think about what type of woman would be attracted to the man I’m becoming; the man I am. Part of being a good husband or boyfriend is becoming a good man first. Not how I look with my shirt off or my ambitions as a provider but having the type of soul, standards, morals and heart that will stand adversity. Six packs become kegs, wavy hair becomes a receding hairline. A great job becomes Exxon Mobil laying off a 1000 people on a Tuesday. Commitment has to be deeper than that. Commitment has to lie at the heart of the man you are. 

This isn’t the point where I rattle off a list of traits and characteristics where women ohh and ahh. This isn’t the point where I take shots at other men they still have a lot of growing to do in their relationship. This is the point where I say, “Just because you fall short today doesn’t mean you can’t stand tall tomorrow. Just because you aren’t the man or woman you’d want your son or daughter to marry tonight; that doesn’t mean you can’t be that man or woman two months from now.” The reason couples seem so perfect today and they’re divorced tomorrow is because they dated, fell in love with and married representatives. You can’t bare your soul to a representative. Look inside yourself and there you will find the reflection of who it is you want in your heart. 

Accountability Starts With Us: Five Ways We Need to Do Better

Martin/ Malcolm/ Barack

Martin/ Malcolm/ Barack

Whenever there’s a tragedy involving a young black man and a police officer or white man we as a community are outraged. We want justice, we want revenge, we want respect. Often times you have people saying, “What about black on black crime?” “What about what the victim did wrong?” In the heat of the moment asking those questions feels like you’re blaming the victim instead of uniting behind the victim.

This is the truth. We have to do better as a community and as a people. It’s really that simple. I’m not saying that officers or men that decide to play judge, jury and executioner shouldn’t be punished but what I’m saying is their ignorance may not ever change but our looking the other way has to. There is no difference from an 8 year old getting gunned down in Chicago or a 17 year old getting stabbed in New Orleans by a black man then there is a 18 year old getting murdered by a police officer. All of them are domestic terrorist.

Here are ten things that we as a community have to do better at or just do more of.

Five- We’re not directors or producers. There’s nothing cool about recording fights and sharing fights. If you see two people about to fight step in to stop it. Most of the time one person doesn’t want to be there anyway. Instead of five people with their camera phones out; how about we have five people calming the situation. When I see these videos I rarely see a white man holding the camera. I see us. It’s not funny to see a little girl get the hell beat of her while other people watch. Stop watching and recording and start stepping up.

Four- Read before you share. We live in a social media age where information flows so freely. Read! Don’t share a link if you haven’t given it five minutes. You’ll know fairly soon if it’s made up information. Don’t get so caught up in wanting to be first that you’re wrong. You share bad information and next thing you know a hundred people have shared that same bad information. That’s not cool nor is it beneficial to anyone. The news can be depressing, I get that but reading different news websites, watching videos. Learn what’s going on.

Three- Stop making excuses for people because you like them or love them. Wrong is wrong. If your favorite rapper goes out of his way to tell us that he’s really a gang member, that he really pimps hoes, that he’s really in the streets. All for the purpose of making sure we know his music is authentic, don’t be surprised when people look at him crazy when he is standing up screaming, “Just stop the violence!” The content you choose to put out is a reflection of you. You can rap without saying “Women aren’t about shit and I’m going to kill other black men.” It’s possible. We have to hold each other to higher standards.

Two- You can’t speak and write like you have no education online or in your text or when you’re talking to your friends and then expect to not have that carry over when you’re at work or writing something more official. It breaks my heart to see so many younger kids who can barely talk. Being articulate covers a lot of flaws. Being well spoken and making eye contact. Having confidence in what you’re talking about. It’s universal no matter your educational background or financial background. You can’t go around here calling women that look like you bitches and hoes and calling men that look like you niggas and think that’s okay. It’s not.

One- We are not each other’s enemy. When I have a disagreement with anyone on social media and I can see my words have been taken out of context or what I said was offensive. I apologize. If they say something out of line I try and understand their point and make them understand they could have said it better. It won’t always end with a smile and an understanding but it will always end in mutual respect. I come to work and have to deal with people that can be difficult. I have to worry about what will happen if I get pulled over even if I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want to fight with people that look like me, that I love. I want us to prosper together. To excel together.

This article isn’t me saying, “It’s our fault when other races or entities come for us.” This is me saying we can’t worry about them. We have to worry about ourselves and the more we build us up, the more we fix us, the less what they do affects us. Awhile back Don Lemon said that black men should get married and stop having children out of wedlock. That we should keep our communities clean and stop littering. That we have to speak better and pull our pants up and respect authority. People hate Don Lemon and CNN so they threw out the message with the messenger. Even though he was right. Go in Sunnyside, Southpark, 5th Ward, any other community that’s mostly African American and you’ll find beat up streets, trash. We have to start reporting people that are dumping illegally.

Whatever You Did to Get Her: Do That to Keep Her

20140422-013941.jpg This weekend I saw a lot of people celebrating life. Weddings, engagements, people uplifting their fathers and grandfathers. There’s one common dominator in all of this. It all starts with a man and a woman.

Too many people get complacent once things get comfortable. I hear guys say it all the time, “I have her on lock, she loves me, she isn’t going anywhere.” At first glance you’d think they were just talking but the truth is most men believe this.

It’s a dangerous way of thinking and living and let me tell you why. The courtship process, the making her fall in love with you process is fairly simple because you can’t fake chemistry or fate. It’s also pretty simple to keep her happy, just do what you did to make her fall in love. This is the dangerous part; if a woman falls out of love with you the odds of you getting her back are so small.

I don’t know how many of you have heard this phrase but it’s much easier to build a house from scratch then it is to fix the house someone started working on and abandoned. That’s pretty much how relationships work.

When you build that foundation from scratch and do everything the right way you have few worries. All you have to do is maintain. Sure, they’ll be problems but easy fixes. Once you start to let things go downhill, once you stop maintaining, you’re opening up the door for everything to collapse.

People love to say, “You don’t know a good thing until it’s gone.” I don’t think that’s true. Most men are fully aware that they have/had a good woman; they just never thought they would lose her. That’s why so many men are genuinely devastated when women leave. I’ve never been involved with someone that didn’t warn me she needed more. Whether it wasn’t me calling enough or spending enough time or being affectionate enough.

Rarely do women just wake up one day and say, “This is over.” There are always signs. All those signs usually start around the time men stop being the man they were when they courted her. If you bought flowers and candy while you were dating, why stop now? If you went on real dates and always had a fresh edge up when you were dating, why stop now? By being the man she fell in love with, she’ll probably never fall out of love.

Why Sex Before Marriage Is Spiritually Destructive…

When a man or woman thinks you’re worth their heart they’ll wait on the physical part. This piece isn’t about judging those that have or that are having sex outside of marriage. It’s about wanting all of us, including myself to do better at knowing our spiritual worth. When you give your body to a person you’re connected. That connection is so strong because sex was meant for marriage. People often say, “Take care of your body, you only get one.” I say, “Take care of your spirit, you get your body for 70yrs in some cases. Your spirit last an eternity.

If you’ve ever read my writing it’s obvious I love women and the pleasures that come with them. I’ve made a name for myself writing about those pleasures. It’s not easy separating my desires from my faith but I do it because I want to be accountable to myself. I don’t want to be the guy that has to worry every time I meet one of wife’s friends because I’ve slept with her or one of her girls.

Sex feels amazing because God wanted to reward us for introducing life into this world. Our spirits and emotions suck in and out of each other each time our bodies touch. Do you want your spiritual well being all over the place?

There’s such a piece of mind that comes with waiting for that special person. Even if you just had sex with them last night there’s no rule that says you can’t stop today. Waiting a year, 6 months before marriage can probably give you that same anticipation.

Just remember our bodies are temples that need to be worshiped by people we would give our lives for.

Friends With…. Out Benefits

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_nEveryday 1 out of 3 men are friendzoned. “I really like you but I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” or “This just isn’t a good time for me but we can still be friends.” In that span of seconds a guy goes from wondering if she’s wearing boyshorts or thongs to wondering where he went wrong to get friendzoned. On the same token, everyday 1 out of 4 women get datezoned, it’s when a man they really like tells them they aren’t looking for anything serious. “You’re a great woman and I want you in my life buuuuut I’m afraid to hurt you, I’m just not ready. Can we still be friends?” This is different than friendzoning because in this case the man still wants her to have sex with him, cook for him, listen to him. He just wants to do this stuff with other women also.

This is the problem when a woman friendzones a man or a man datezones a woman. A lot of times they still want the benefits that come with their previous title. If a man is dating you he’s picking you from your home no matter how far you live. He’s taking you to nice places, events, concerts, restaurants, places that men take women when they want to impress them. You’re a priority because he thinks this can go somewhere. Once you friendzone him you have to understand that things change so maybe he becomes your friend but all those benefits of dating STOP! The same goes for men. You can’t tell her “we’re moving too fast, I don’t want a relationship,” and then still expect the benefits you get when a woman knows you’re either her man or close to it. That’s selfish.

There is a big difference between being someone’s friend and someone’s lover. There’s a difference between being cool with a person and thinking that you have a romantic future with a person. Most friendships don’t come with home cooked meals and backless aprons while she’s naked. Most friendships don’t come with surprise gifts on a Saturday night just because you were thinking about her. When you make the decision to make a person your friend you’re making the decision to be on a level playing field.

I’m not going to treat you like I treat the woman that may one day have my children. I’m not going to cancel a date with someone I really like to hang out with a friend. Why? Because friends understand. If I tell my home boy that we can’t go watch the game tonight because I have a date with this fine ass woman I met last week. He’s going to say cool and ask for details the next day. That’s what friends do. Friends don’t get mad because they aren’t getting the romantic date themselves.

There are consequences to wanting to be treated like one of the guys. Remember that and live that.

Demez F. White

@authordwhite on twitter

5 Traits Women Project That Makes a Man Take You Serious

9447548-fashion-sexy-women-clothes-detailWhat’s the difference between a man playing with a woman or killing time with her and actually taking her serious? All women aren’t created equal, some are more beautiful than others, some more ambitious, some funnier. There are still common denominators that tell us, “She’s not to be played with.”

FiveHonesty- If you want a man to take you serious, just be honest with him. If he asks you if you have plans on a Friday night and you have another date, tell him. He’s going to be pissed, jealous but he’s also going to realize you don’t have time to sit around waiting on him to pursue you like he should have been doing in the beginning. Either he’s going to pout and ask about the other man or he’s going to step his game up before you’re out of his reach. An honest woman is scary because she can bring out some insecurities but she can also make you realize that she knows she’s a catch and being on standby isn’t an option for her.

FourStandards– It’s perfectly fine to tell a man that you don’t do certain things. If he asks you to dinner or out for drinks ask him where you’re going. If it’s not somewhere that you’d normally go tell him to pick another place. If he only texts and you like talking on the phone, tell him to start calling more. There is a difference between being bossy or having unrealistic expectations and setting expectations and standards.

Three- Professional Goals– Potential is nothing but knowing someone is capable of not getting where they need to be. If a call you and you tell me you’re working or in meeting all day I can respect that. If I ask you out on a Thursday night and you tell me you have to be at work at 7 and you can’t have a late night I can appreciate that. Women that have a drive and determination to be successful professionally whether in a beauty shop, board room or fitness center just have a different aura. You value their time in a way that leaves no room for wasted energy.

Two- Maturity– Age is simply a number when you start talking women over 23. I’ve met women that are in their early 20’s that have dated men in their 40’s, engineers, CPA’s. They live on their own, dress in a professional manner during the day, dress sexy but respectable at night. Their voice, mannerisms, everything about them screams grown woman. You just approach them differently. On the flip side I’ve met women that are 30 plus that have no tact, no ambition, no sense of time and place. Men take women that project a certain maturity so much more seriously.

One (Drum Roll Pleeeeeeease)- Authenticity– It may take us a while to figure it out but and we may notice it the first night we meet you but there isn’t anything like an authentic woman. Someone that knows what she’s comfortable with and is good with that. I’ve ran across women that shop at thrift stores and Marshalls and garage sells and look like they could be on the cover of Vogue. They don’t have to pretend that it’s all Galleria all the time or seven hundred dollar heels or nothing. They don’t mind telling you about their boss that sucks or how they had to borrow some money from a friend until they got paid. Every one doesn’t have three months’ salary saved for a rainy day. Real is so underrated.