Being Depressed Isn’t A License to Be Destructive

Depression can come and go like the weather. One minute it’s sunny and breezy and you can’t wait to go get a drink on your favorite patio bar and the next minute it starts to storm and you don’t have an umbrella. When you do get in the car, you realize you need gas and the windshield wipers aren’t working like they’re supposed to.

It hits you quick and hard and can be paralyzing to the point where you feel as though you don’t have the mental or physical energy to do anything. It’s in these moments where you have to fight the urge to be self-destructive.

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. Everyone you know has battled some form of depression or mental illness. It can be something as simple as losing your job or breaking up with a mate. Our brains interpret that pain and hurt as though it’s actual physical pain. When these moments of shock of happen you can’t use them as excuses to be destructive.

“I’m not happy in my relationship,” so I’m going to go find happiness between the legs of someone else. “I’m not getting what I need from my job,” so I’m going to leave work that other people are depending on me to finish undone. These are self-destructive traits and when you wake up from this cloud of depression you’ll have to deal with the consequences that came from your bad decisions.


I often write that the fundamental problem with most adults, men and women, is that we are unwilling to accept our roles in our own depression and bad situations. It is human nature to look out and see how someone has wronged you. When we should be looking within ourselves. You can be an amazing woman and do everything a man asks but he cheats and you have a right to say it’s his fault. But after you get past the tears, the depression, the anger, there’s a part of you that knows you saw the signs and chose to ignore them. There’s a part of you that knows you looked the other way when things didn’t feel right. You aren’t the one that broke the trust but you are the one that should have been honest with yourself.

Talk to someone.

Be honest about your feelings and allow your mind to pursued your heart out of foolishness.

Love Isn’t Always Being Strong Enough To Stay; Often Times It’s Being Strong Enough To Let Go

I’m not sure how old I was when I started to relate to love songs. Not understand what sex was or heartbreak was but I listened to the words and could literally relate them to my own relationships and situations. Love is universal, you can speak different languages and be from different religions and still understand what your heart is speaking.

If you’re at home or at work or hiding in the bathroom trying to get a break from the kids, I want you to imagine with me. Imagine where you would be right now if you didn’t let go of a love you thought was irreplaceable? Imagine if you didn’t find the strength to leave that guy that wasn’t affectionate enough, the woman that only called when she needed something. Imagine if God would have answered your prayers when you said you couldn’t live without him. Happy Endings aren’t always relationships prospering, sometimes the Happy Ending is you being able to walk away.

We live in this world now where technology has made everyone feel more closely connected when the truth is technology is often a barrier to the connections we so deeply seek. Twenty years ago if you hurt someone you love you called their house and when they didn’t answer you went to them. You talked or argued, you broke up or made up, but it was real. Now not answering the phone means text and tweets and Facebook post. Relationships that should have ended just thrive in limbo.

I believe I’m going to be an amazing writer not because I can create characters out of thin air. I believe I will be an amazing writer because I’m transparent like every great writer before me. You have to take off the mask and the filter and tell your story. The good, the bad, the ugly. It won’t always be flattering and romantic but it will be a story people can relate to.

It doesn’t make you weak to fight for someone you love when you don’t feel like they’re fighting as hard for you. It doesn’t make you a savage to tell someone that will give their last to you, “This isn’t working anymore.” We have become a generation that gets our advice from meme’s and actors that give us words we want to hear instead of getting advice from our hearts.

When the day comes that you feel more comfortable sharing your day with strangers or friends then with the person you’re with. Sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself. That’s not only loving the person you’re with but loving yourself enough to know, it’s time to let go.

You Can’t Be the Source of Her Tears and Wonder Why You Aren’t the Source of Her Happiness

FB-Ring.jpg You Can’t Be the Source of Her Tears and Wonder Why You Aren’t the Source of Her Happiness

Have you ever seen a woman cry? Have you ever seen her not be able to control her tears because she loves you that much and she’s hurting just that badly?

As men we have to be leaders and protectors and that’s not hard to do. You hear a strange noise outside, you tell her to lock the door and you grab the bat or gun and go see what it is. You see a mouse, you don’t jump on a chair, you kill it. You see it’s been raining all week and now it’s a beautiful Saturday; wash her car. What we seem to be failing to protect more than anything is hearts.

A lot of men look at tears as weakness or heartbreak. That’s not true. If a woman still loves you, she’ll cry for you and fuss at you and hate that she loves you. Her tears aren’t tears of, “I can’t do this anymore.” They’re tears of, “Why can’t this man just realize I love him like I’ve never loved another?” You can’t ask her to stop crying when you’re the reason she’s crying. You can’t ask her to be happy and forget about that argument last night because you’re the reason you argued.

You can take her to her favorite restaurant and buy her something to wear with shoes to match. You can book plane tickets to Egypt or Belize and take a dozen pictures of her soaking in the sites, sounds and people. You can try and do everything to make her smile, to make her laugh. The ironic thing is, all you need to do is be the man she’s crying over.

Texting the most inappropriate and flirty things as soon as you leave the driveway for work. Recording her singing in the kitchen or snoring, when she swears she doesn’t, and sending it to her in the middle of the day with a caption like… “If you don’t go out with me tonight I’m going to let the world know you snore.” Getting her to understand and feel as though you’re her bestfriend and loving her, hearing about her day, laughing at her corny jokes. That all those things, all those small things, add up to her not crying and being happy.

10 Reasons Why I Believe I’m Falling In Love With You

Common-Romantic-Regrets One- I check your Facebook every day. Not really to see who you’re talking to or what guys are saying but just to look at pictures, to see your face. I like seeing your face, seeing your smile.

Two- When you call my entire personality changes. I smile more, I don’t get out the truck, I blow off work for twenty minutes, your voice makes me realize just how much nothing matters more than talking to your pretty ass.

Three- I love your ambition, I find myself talking about you to strangers just because you’re you.

Four- I could care less about having sex with you, our conversations are enough. The way you stimulate my mind means more than any woman has ever done to me physically.

Five- When I write it’s you I see.

Six- The things that make me ignore most women, complaining, whining, crying, all those things bring me closer to you. They make me want to spend more time with you.

Seven- I watch you sleep, not in a creepy way or Silence of the Lambs way but just in a way that brings me comfort. I wonder what you’re dreaming about. I like pulling you close and having you sink your body into mines.

Eight- I have a feeling that when you’re completely into me the amount of freaky and sexy in you will turn me out. It will change my life.

Nine- I love your simplistic beauty.

Ten- Loyalty. To your friends, to your family, to me. Even though we haven’t known each other for long I love how you’re willing to have my back. I love how you talk to me and see me in a way that makes me feel like you care. I know you care. I’m falling in love with you and I don’t care who knows it.

The Language of Tears

The Language of Tears

They say eyes are the windows to our soul

How does our soul speak? With tears


We cry when we’re happy, when we’re sad

We cry when the rush of orgasms flood our senses

We cry when the pain of a cut is unbearable  


They say it’s unmanly to cry but I feel it’s the opposite

It’s unmanly to hold tears hostage

How can you truly enjoy the pleasure, the pain, the passion if you

Never cry?


Tears of love

Tears of fear

Tears of passion


Watching her pack a bag, knowing she’ll never cum at my touch again

Lying on the couch and feeling a hair clip she left behind

Taking a shower and seeing her soap

The tears mingling flooding my eyes, cleansing my soul


Not knowing if he’ll live throughout the night

My family crying and nervous

My tears aren’t out of fear

My tears aren’t out of hurt

The tears that flowed from my eyes were that of relief

Relief that he will be in pain no more.


Playing in her hair, the panties fitting her like a glove

Kissing her neck, my hands finding nirvana

With a flick of my tongue she shivers, the tears fall


~ Demez F. White

You Can’t Replace What You Can’t Let Go

I haven’t been able to write in a long time and it scares me. The words used to come with such ease, the sentences like rain drops on a stormy day.

Now I’m struggling to write a sentence on a sheet of blank white paper. I literally sit at my desk for hours trying to find the words to be great.

Drinking more, thinking more, stressing more. I can’t sleep when I get off work, I can’t sleep when I’m not at work. I miss having a muse.

I’ve tried with all my heart to replace her. I’m not talking days or months, I’m talking years. To find someone that can inspire the words like she did.

You know how much I miss talking to someone every morning before work, what those 40 minute conversations did for my sanity. You know how much I miss sexy text and jealousy.

I just want to be great and the truth is I don’t know how to be great alone.


Don’t Fear Death; Fear Not Living

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n My back has been killing me the past few days so I went to the doctor today. I thought maybe I pulled something at work or slept wrong on the couch. She told me I had some fluid in my lungs, that my left lung was working twice as hard because my right lung was struggling.

It wasn’t back pain, it was my lung. “I think it’s a blood clot and if it is you need to go get a ct scan so we can get in and get it ASAP. In that moment my life flashed before my eyes. The seriousness in her eyes, the realization that I wasn’t overreacting when I felt like something just wasn’t right with my body. In that moment I thought I would die.

I’ve said so many times I’m not afraid of death, that I’m only afraid of dying unaccomplished. That’s bullshit, I don’t want to die at all, I don’t want to leave my family, I don’t want to not have a wife and a son and a daughter. I want to see my novels turned into movies and on library shelves. The fear was real and in those couple of hours waiting on those test results all I saw was all I didn’t accomplish. Sitting in the parking lot of the Kelsey Seybold clinic crying and praying and begging I knew that whatever happened, whatever the results my life would never be the same.

The test results came back negative in reference to the blood clot but the fluid is still here, the pain is still here, it’s still a struggle to breathe too heavily or talk too much. I still live with the fear that I’m going to lie down and not wake up. That I’m going to take a deep breath and not be able to exhale.

Most men love to say they have no regrets, I’m not one of them. There are so many things I regret, so many things I have to make right. So many kisses I need to give, so many trips I have to take, so many hugs I blew off.

If I’m being honest, I’ve seen my death so many times in my head. I’ve seen my family standing over me in the hospital room, I’ve seen their tears and I’ve felt their heartbreak. I’ve seen my last moments and as brave as I’d like to be that scares me because a part of me feels like it’s all coming true.

My body just doesn’t feel right and the more I pretend like everything is going to be alright to be strong for those around me, the more I’m coming to accept that I can’t live afraid to die. I have to live like I could die at anytime.

Don’t take life for granted because God says, “No man knows the hour or the time.”

Runaway Engagement II…

imagesCAC5JOYDI leaned against the counter in the kitchen, the envelope in my hand. She took a sip of water and tossed me the bottle. “I don’t know where your mouth has been,” is what I said. Maybe I said it to hurt her but she just smiled and raised her middle finger.

Hating her was what I wanted to do, she told me she needed time in a room full of the most important people in our lives. All the nights we talked about children and our futures and love and she needed time? No matter how much I sat up and tried to see her side of things I always came back to the same conclusion.

I just wasn’t good enough.

“Open the envelope.”

Her voice was cracking and my hands were trembling. Whatever was in this envelope was enough to break the strongest woman I’d ever met. Unfolding the paper, the single sheet, I read the words and slid to the floor. I read them again and again and again… But they stayed the same.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She fell to her knees in front of me, my arms wrapped around her, my tears soaking her t-shirt. I prayed to God that it wasn’t another man in her life. I prayed that she thought I was good enough. I told him I couldn’t live without her and if he gave me just another day with her I’d spend the rest of my life being a better man. He granted my prayers and gave me the day I asked for. The envelope was a letter from her doctor telling her that she should get her affairs in order. The cancer spread to her brain and to operate would be making her a vegetable. 3-6 months to live is what they gave her, the letter was dated 4 months ago. “How could I accept your ring knowing I can never give you the life you want? You always said you want your first wife to be your only wife. I’m dying babe and I wanted you to remember me as I am not as a shell of what I was.”

They say prayer works… I just wasn’t expecting it to work literally.

Pulling her face to mines, kissing her as if she’d just said “I do,” I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Four days without her felt like an eternity.

“Tonight we make love until we can’t anymore. After that we plan a wedding. Tomorrow night I’m making you my wife! Fuck those doctors…”

Men Cry In the Dark…

228263_581014860585_118401058_31484293_5420516_nWhen you’re a man you have to wait until the doors are locked and the lights are off and your emotions and feelings don’t affect those around you.

For as long as I could remember my grandfather has been one of the strongest men I’ve known. He’s been the rock of not just my family but for so many people and to see him in such a vulnerable state breaks my heart.

I watched my grandmother cry tonight for maybe the second time in my life. She sat with her head in my lap and cried really hard because we found out some bad news about my grandfather. It took everything in me not to cry with her, not to break down with her. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t because I have to be strong for my family.


It breaks my heart because I know how prideful he is, I know how much he loves being outside and working on cars and lawnmowers and generators. And now it will be a struggle for him to do those things and I’m afraid. I can’t admit this to my family, there’s no friends or woman to admit it to…

But I’m afraid that he’s going to give up, that this is going to break him and I know I can handle it. I know I’ll be alright if God calls him home but what I also know is that my family isn’t ready. My grandmother loves that man on a level that I don’t think a woman will ever love me. My mother and aunts have been protected by him their entire lives.

My ex girlfriend told me awhile back that I didn’t do bad well, she told me that people didn’t like telling me bad news because I became withdrawn and distant. I thought about that these past couple of weeks when I’ve been anything but distant.

It’s not when I’m around people that I worry about myself, it’s times like this when all I have is my writing and my words and the thoughts and fears start to taunt me and sleep becomes harder and harder without a pill or bottle of something.

In six hours my grandfather has surgery and in six hours I’ll have to put back on this mask. I’ll have to be the strong one and the one that makes them laugh and smile and be encouraged that everything will be alright. But tonight, right now… I don’t have to wear that mask.

Right now all I want to do is lie on her lap and feel the warmth of someone that knows the pain I’m feeling. Right now I just want to take a hot shower and lose myself in the steam. Right now I just want to fuck away my frustrations. Those aren’t options so I’ll listen to this music and drink this drink and watch this Christmas tree.

Pray for my family and good night.

Men Cry In the Dark…

There will be moments where the pain or loneliness or stress becomes too much to bear. Moments where you question your sanity and your purpose. In those moments the tears will come, you can’t fight it. And when those tears break you down and your only solace is to know this pain can’t possibly last forever… You cry in the dark.

You cry in the dark because your tears aren’t for everyone. Your problems and fears, your resentments and hate, your heartbreak and sorrow. Those are crosses you have to bear as a man. It’s easy to find a woman to sleep with, to go to dinner with, to flirt with. But not many women are worth the liquid vulnerability that tears bring.

“I have been driven to my knees many times by the overwhelming conviction that I had no place else to go.” That’s not just an Abraham Lincoln quote, that’s life. Especially when you’re a man. You have to be strong for those around you, strong for those that love you. Strong for those that hate you but as the sun sets and the shades are drawn it’s just you and your tears.