The Arrogance of A Man

dwhiteEven the smartest man can be a fool and not even know it.

Living life blind to the resentment, to the needs of those closest to his heart.

The arrogance of believing that Camelot won’t come crashing down.

The arrogance of believing that what was once pure cannot become tainted.

 

The best of intentions become clouded by the worst of judgements.

The most confident decisions become blinded by moments of insecurity and inadequacy gift wrapped in lies and deception.

The most memorable moments become soaked in insincerity.

The love becomes resentment.

 

Her own arrogance, her own ego, tell her what she needs to do. Tell her what she has to do. To not only win but to survive.

None of those are stronger than her heart. For heart betrays her and her resentment doesn’t push away love but embraces love and makes the hurt that much more painful.

“Do you know how many I have turned down?”

“Do you know how they look at me?”

“Do you know what you did to me?”

More questions than an SAT exam and not nearly enough answers.

More doubt than a tied football game in the closing seconds but there can be no winner.

 

Looking into her eyes, her tears tearing a hole in his soul, her anguish ripping at the fabric of his manhood.

Wanting to fix it all in one night, wanting to heal it all in one moment.

Needing to turn back the hands of time and give her the time she’d been cheated of. Give her the opportunities taken away from her like a thief in the night.

Wanting her to hate him so that she wouldn’t seem so perfect, even in her pain.

 

The arrogance of a man goes against forgiveness.

The love of a woman embraces it.

Knowing that a man could touch her or inhale her after him cuts like a sword through flesh and bone and hurts just as much.

Knowing that her love was no longer guaranteed.

His arrogance died.

Peace

Some people blog to get discovered.

Some blog because they want to have a voice or they love a certain facet of life and want to talk about it.

I blog because I like letting people know that they aren’t alone with their thoughts. That they aren’t the only ones in the world feeling like they’re feeling at that specific moment and time.

I wish I had some calm, some peace, a sanctuary. No matter how hard I try and find it, it doesn’t come. I’ve never been on a battlefield, I’ve never seen a man die or a plane bomb a building but in my imagination I feel like that’s what’s going on inside of my head and heart at the moment. I feel like a battle is taking place and I don’t know how to get off the battlefield.

I don’t even listen to music when I drive anymore because it’s where I do my best thinking. It’s quiet, the windows down, I can talk to myself without looking crazy. I don’t know when I started doing it, I just know my iPod has been dead for almost two weeks and I haven’t even tried to charge it up.

College and high school teach us a lot. We learn math, history, science and now they even have religion and cooking classes. But there’s no class on life. No class on how to fight the demons and how to overcome fears and struggles. The only class is the battlefield. The only class is learning how to deal with as you’re going through it.

At times I wish I wasn’t a writer, I wish I didn’t internalize and think things over and over and over again. A moment of calm, of peace, of clarity. I lie in bed at night dreaming of those moments, wondering if they will come.

I fear they never will. IMG_0148

7 Awkward Everyday Moments

7 Awkward Everyday Moments

When you’re in the restroom, make eye contact with a guy and he doesn’t wash his hands. I can see not washing your hands if you didn’t see me but you saw me see you. Nasty!

When you’re at a restaurant with a friend and she’s talking about another guy but looks down when the check comes. “Dude, we’re friends, I wouldn’t pay for my boy’s fondue I’m not paying for yours.” When I was younger I’d probably do it out of some misguided idea of what a man is supposed to be but not now.

You’re in a parking lot knowing you’re going down the wrong way of a one way and someone is coming in the right direction. Do I back up? Do they back up? I’m already going to wrong direction so backing up would just make matters worse, they’re looking like, “What’s up man! You’re going the wrong way.” Awkward.

You make it to a restaurant right before they’re about to close, you already feel a little bad because it’s 10:50 and they close at 11:00 but you’re starving. The servers are looking at you like, “really bro?!” They serve you, your food comes out and they screwed up your order. Everyone’s waiting to leave and you have to send it back. Awkward.

You’re texting a woman all night, she finally hits you with that combination smiley face, lol, wyd. You tell her “I’m chilling” and she asks if you want some company. You jump up, clean the house like Superman trying to save Louis Lane and when she gets there and sees the candles and hears the music and you two look at each other and her eyes say, “Did you think you were getting some ass?” Awkward.

You buy an outfit, you are feeling the hell out of yourself. It fits right, it looks right, the haircut is right and then you get to where you’re going and it’s lame. There are no women, the place is half empty so you creep on out. Carefully hang up the outfit, make sure there’s no stains, no wrinkles. Knowing you can wear it tomorrow. Only to realize someone shot a picture of you while you weren’t looking. Now you’re tagged in it online and the outfit is wasted. Awkward.

You’re eating at work, you’ve cooked an amazing meal and it’s been on your mind since the night before when you were too tired to eat it. You sit down to eat, steam coming off the container and the sad guy in the office sits right across from you drinking water out a styrofoam cup. Looking at your food like, “You sure do have a lot.” You ignore him and savor every bite. Awkward.

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Watching Superman Become Human

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n I’ve often said I’ve been blessed in life because I haven’t had anyone close to me die. Some older aunts and uncles, cousins I didn’t really know. Even when my grandmother died on my father’s side I couldn’t feel much pain because I didn’t really know the woman.

This past year or so has been hard on my grandfather. He’s had to have both his legs amputated and for a man that’s spent his entire life being self-sufficient, being a worker; I can see that it’s eaten away at his soul, his spirit.

Maybe if he was younger he’d be more willing to fight, more willing to push in rehab or willing to learn to walk again. He’s in his late 70’s though and when you get the age and your body can’t do what it used to do it scares you.

It’s hard for him to get in the bed so when he comes home from dialysis or the doctor I have to go to my grandparents’ home and literally pick him up and put him the bed. I can tell it’s uncomfortable for him, we’ve never been close. I learned a lot from him and he was always a good provider but we never had that bond.
He has to put his arms around my neck while I pick him up. It takes a lot some days for me not to cry or show weakness in front of my grandmother or mother or aunts, cousins. I know I have to be strong for them so I am. I may crack a joke to lighten the mood or standby but on the inside seeing him sad, not able to go outside and sit in the garage or work on a car breaks my heart.

Watching my grandmother care for him and have to handle things she never handled before breaks my heart. I was going to move to Austin, I was going to but I can’t leave them like this. I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
I’ve never had a lot of friends, never been that guy that cared much about making them. It’s always been family and work for me. I don’t care if you like me but you will respect my work ethic and my loyalty.

At 5am on a Tuesday morning as I sit at my office desk, tired from the nights work. Too tired to eat or go work out but not sleepy enough to go home. So I write. I put my emotions and feelings on this piece of electronic paper. I share with the world what it’s like to watch Superman become human. I share with my readers what it’s like to watch a man that people always asked for help be the one that needs the help. At 5am on a Tuesday morning I use my God given ability to write to breathe.

Give people their flowers while their living because some bible verse somewhere says, “No man knows the time nor the hour.”

Demez F. White

Dear You…

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_nDear You,

Yesterday was Mothers Day and I couldn’t help but be reminded of what life will be like once you’re the mother of my children. I was in Crave buying some Mothers Day cupcakes and I saw this woman in line, she had on a grey dress, her hair was sort of auburn and long. Heels, she was pretty. I almost went and talked to her but I didn’t want to lose my space in line or embarrass her so I didn’t. Once she left I wondered if you were her.

After that I went to Victoria’s Secret in Rice Village, I passed by this store next to Express, the name escapes me and I saw this beautiful woman working in there. I thought maybe that was you but I had no reason to go inside.

You get the gist of what I’m saying, I made maybe four or five stops today and with each stop I saw someone that caught my eye but at each stop I told myself the same thing. “Do you really want to be the man that hits on every pretty woman you see?”

The thing is I don’t want to be that guy, not if I can help it.

Today a friend told me that a lot of men talk about wanting to be in a relationship but she really believes that I want to be in one. Sometimes I ask myself that question. Do I want it as bad as I say I do or am I just talking, just hoping and dreaming?

Anyway, Happy Future Mothers Day if you read this. Don’t go out having any children or anymore or getting married. I don’t think I have it in me to talk to a married woman.

Sincerely Yours,

Demez