Six Months Ago Today

img_0173It’s been six months since we buried my grandmother and in my mind and heart it feels like it was yesterday. I still live next door and on more days than I can count I come home looking for her to be outside watering the plants or sitting on the porch. I see her so vividly rocking her feet, a hat on her head to shield her from the sun.

The vision usually last a second or two before reality hits me. If I’m being honest, things have not been easy since she’s been gone. With her death a certain peace and tranquility I felt when I found myself getting angry or disappointed is now gone.

There are nights I pray, days I pray, that I can get it back. At times I feel myself slipping from reality and those that love me. I find myself isolated and cold, even in a room full of people. My only outlet, my only relief being my writing.

Are these feelings me just stumbling until I get back to the man I was or are they feelings that will just grow over time and take whatever goodness and sanity I have left? We live in a 15 second world. People will give you a day or two to grieve but that’s all you’re going to get. After that they want you to be normal, to do your job.

Sleep has become a privilege I no longer have access to. At 3:30 this morning I found myself tossing and turning, then I found myself lying on the couch, then I found myself sitting outside. My body weary of drinking, no sleep medication because I have to be at work in a couple hours. So just there, hoping for rain, hoping for sunlight. Hoping for something that would allow me to feel something.

I’m behind schedule. I need to get back to work. Just some random thoughts from a random writer.

If You Can’t Be Their Everything: Then How About You Be Their Nothing

20140422-143306.jpg There’s a point in every dating situation where you come to your Rubicon. That point where you want more than what you and that person currently have. In some cases it’s, “I want to be a wife and you still want to play this house/girlfriend-boyfriend game.” In other cases it’s. “I want a relationship, a commitment and you still want to date/talk.” Compromise is cool, being patient is even better but at some point if someone doesn’t want you to be their everything, then they have to be your nothing.

You can’t be a man like me, a man that lives by these values that endear women to you without having had conversations in which women want more. In my younger year I’d stall them, put them off, tell them what they wanted to hear only to have them realize it was never going to happen and end up hating me. I thank God he removed me from that mindset.

There is a certain calm that comes with releasing a person from mental and emotional bondage. If you know they like you more than you like them it’s selfish to hold onto them knowing you can never give them what they want. Sure you’re content because it isn’t affecting you and in most cases you genuinely like the person but will you ever genuinely love them?

I can’t take credit for these words because I found them online somewhere but I once read, “Sometimes a man’s job is to make the woman he’s with better for the man she’ll eventually marry.” I can’t tell you how many times I read that and thought about all the women I’ve dated and loved than seemed to find true happiness once I left their lives. That didn’t mean I wasn’t a good man, it just meant I wasn’t meant to be their man. I couldn’t be their everything so I ended being their nothing and in that initial hurt they realized they deserved better and they found better. How can I not respect that?

Know your worth and if you really want something, hold out for it.

Demez F. White

Struggling To Find Normal

391690_132115926895533_100002913805424_167373_1571942060_n I once read this book about comedians and they’re struggles with life. Most of them were sad, depressed, alcoholics. How could people that spend their whole lives making others laugh be so angry and sad? It was simple once I kept reading, one of the hardest things in the world is smiling when you don’t feel like smiling.

That’s how I’ve been feeling this week at work, around people, on these social networks. People say they sympathize with you, they say they understand. How can they not understand? We’ve all had people we love die. The problem is everyone expects life to just pick up right where it left off.

I’m just having a hard time doing that. I feel so sad and saying that out loud makes me feel so weak. I fight tears a lot because I’m a man and men don’t cry. I’ve been drinking a lot more, thinking a lot more. Not about why he’s gone, I know why he’s gone. Age and health aren’t things you can beat. I’ve just been thinking about whether or not I made him proud.

I worry about my grandmother, all she’s known since she was 17 is my grandfather. She says she’s alright but in my heart I know she’s not. There’s this feeling in my stomach that her time is coming soon, that she is hurting so bad that he is gone.

I feel lost, I feel alone, but I have to keep smiling. I have to keep working. It’s what the world expects from me. So I’ll hide these feelings and write about romance and love and sex. I’ll be smart and funny and charming and on the inside I’ll keep struggling to find normal.

Don’t Fear Death; Fear Not Living

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n My back has been killing me the past few days so I went to the doctor today. I thought maybe I pulled something at work or slept wrong on the couch. She told me I had some fluid in my lungs, that my left lung was working twice as hard because my right lung was struggling.

It wasn’t back pain, it was my lung. “I think it’s a blood clot and if it is you need to go get a ct scan so we can get in and get it ASAP. In that moment my life flashed before my eyes. The seriousness in her eyes, the realization that I wasn’t overreacting when I felt like something just wasn’t right with my body. In that moment I thought I would die.

I’ve said so many times I’m not afraid of death, that I’m only afraid of dying unaccomplished. That’s bullshit, I don’t want to die at all, I don’t want to leave my family, I don’t want to not have a wife and a son and a daughter. I want to see my novels turned into movies and on library shelves. The fear was real and in those couple of hours waiting on those test results all I saw was all I didn’t accomplish. Sitting in the parking lot of the Kelsey Seybold clinic crying and praying and begging I knew that whatever happened, whatever the results my life would never be the same.

The test results came back negative in reference to the blood clot but the fluid is still here, the pain is still here, it’s still a struggle to breathe too heavily or talk too much. I still live with the fear that I’m going to lie down and not wake up. That I’m going to take a deep breath and not be able to exhale.

Most men love to say they have no regrets, I’m not one of them. There are so many things I regret, so many things I have to make right. So many kisses I need to give, so many trips I have to take, so many hugs I blew off.

If I’m being honest, I’ve seen my death so many times in my head. I’ve seen my family standing over me in the hospital room, I’ve seen their tears and I’ve felt their heartbreak. I’ve seen my last moments and as brave as I’d like to be that scares me because a part of me feels like it’s all coming true.

My body just doesn’t feel right and the more I pretend like everything is going to be alright to be strong for those around me, the more I’m coming to accept that I can’t live afraid to die. I have to live like I could die at anytime.

Don’t take life for granted because God says, “No man knows the hour or the time.”

Men Don’t Heal; They Whore

521747_661840235885_118401058_31768289_1343921451_n Men are stubborn.

Men are prideful.

Men are damn near as emotional as women if not more.

What’s the difference? The difference is we aren’t allowed to be those things to the world. I can’t go to work around a bunch of men and tell them how much I miss her. I can’t get on FB and tell the world my house no longer feels like a home since her perfume is no longer on my pillow. So what outlet do I have? I could write more, I could exercise, I could work longer hours. But all of those things combined wouldn’t take my mind off the hurt, the pain I feel.

The burning in my stomach when I see her post a FB status that I know isn’t about me. The tension I feel in my neck when my phone vibrates and it’s not her number that I deleted but know by heart.

So what is my only option? The option that will lead me out of the wilderness and back to civilization? That option is replacing her because if I can’t have her I’ll have someone. And if that one woman doesn’t compare to her, there’s another and then another and then….. another.

Whoring isn’t just me running around sticking my pipe in anything that’s wearing a pretty pencil skirt and has nice teeth. Whoring with women’s brains is just as critical as whoring with what’s between their legs. Telling every woman that I meet what she wants to hear just so I won’t be alone.

Sure, there are men that are so hurt they want to fuck the best friend and the sister, they want to add every girl she’s ever talked shit about so that she can see he doesn’t need her. There are those men and those men are hoeing because they want her to feel the same hurt. They want her to call and curse him out, to yell and scream and threaten because at least she’s calling.
Men whore when we get hurt because to be hurt is like having a rabbit dog eat out your insides and you’re hands are tied behind your back.

Men whore when we get hurt because we need to know that not every woman feels like she did.

And more than anything men whore because it’s better than facing the truth, the truth that things could be so much more different if only I would have been different. The regret and fear that she’ll never want you again only pushes you into another woman’s arms.

Why do you think men are in relationships for years with good women and a week later they’re with the biggest bopper they can find? It’s because being with this woman that does nothing for your growth helps you to ignore the fact that the woman that did everything for your grown is probably a lot happier with you out of her life.

I miss Ash, Kor, Lo, De F. Baby, Melanie, Ariel… I honestly thought I would marry each one at the time I knew them and more than that I thought I would die when I wasn’t talking to them anymore. So I made new friends, flirted with new women and faked it until I made it.

My hurt was so vicious that the only thing that calmed it was other women. Their voice, their faith, their willingness to open up to me. I’ve never been the guy that meets a woman at a club and goes home with her the same night. My strength is getting in a mind and making love to every inch of those brain cells. That’s how I do my whoring when I need healing.
Most of us grow out of it but just know this. Men hoe not to be asshole or to hurt you. We hoe because we miss the hell out of you and our pride won’t allow us to share that pain with the world. Have you ever cut yourself or cracked a bone? There is so much pain before we heal. So much hurt. Men hate that feeling and we want more than anything to skip that feeling.

Men cry in the dark.

Men drink the nightmares away.

Men hoe because in the absence of our perfect woman all we want to the best substitute for you we can find. Most of us will get out of this and end up being better men because of it but just have patience.

Faith Derives from Doubt… Happiness Grow out of Fear

432174_307850075941522_365267370_nThere isn’t one time that I’ve sit down to write and haven’t been afraid, had doubts. Is it good enough, am I good enough, will people read it? There isn’t a day that I don’t wonder if my faith has let me down, there have been days where I lost faith. In those moments of self doubt and fear I was ashamed but I didn’t let that insecurity break me because I knew that for every inch of faith I lost I would gain a mile back with hard work and making myself a better man. My happy hasn’t come full circle yet but I have no doubt it will because I’m setting myself up for that. Faith without works is like a car without gasoline.

Anyone can look you in the eyes and tell you they have never been afraid, scared, either they’re lying or they’ve never really loved anything or anyone. Faith is having a belief in a dream, an idea that’s unproven, unfounded, unseen but you just know. You feel it in your heart that everything will be alright no matter how afraid you get. It’s okay to be scared, to have doubts, to go to sleep and not be certain about what tomorrow holds. That just means you’re human and when you do succeed the pleasure of that success will be that much sweeter. There aren’t better joys in the world than loving and being loved back, then caring and knowing they care about you. Then having faith in yourself smiling because she has just as much faith in you.

Are you afraid of failing, of not living up to your potential? You should be. Are you afraid of settling for a man or woman that you know you could never give your all to? You should be. True happiness comes from the fear of that happiness being snatched away from you! Have you ever stayed late at work when you had plans because you wanted to make a good impression? Have you ever said no to those brownies and ate grapes instead? As a man I want success and health for myself but I more so want it because I want to be happy and the doubt of not being successful scares me more than I can put into words. And it should scare you to… That fear should motivate you and motivation is a sister to happiness.

Wanting Them At Their Worse…

391690_132115926895533_100002913805424_167373_1571942060_nHave you ever seen someone online or had a friend show you a picture of a person and they literally looked perfect? Or met someone in a club, restaurant or at an event and everything about them was just overwhelmingly charming and sexy? That’s seeing them at their best, they’ve primped and pampered and manicured for hours to get that look. It’s easy to want them, to want her, when she looks like that. She’s just gotten paid, her outfit is laid, her hair still smells like coconut or amber. Try wanting her when she’s at her worse. When she’s rocking flats that have seen better days, clothes that have been in the washer one too many times and an attitude that’s telling you, “You can’t do anything right.”

See, I used to think that too many people were waiting for perfect but now I’m not sure if that’s the case at all. It’s easy to convince yourself that you can be good to someone regardless of how bad things get when things are good. I mean, how do you know how you’ll handle adversity until that moment comes? I love her when she’s a size 4 and wants sex just as much as I do but can you love her if she goes to a size 8 and starts to stress about her career not going where she thought it would go? I respect men and women that have the ability to want people at their worse because if it was easy more of us would do it.

There’s this quote that I’ve seen several times. “A real woman can do it alone but a real man wouldn’t let her.” I don’t disagree with that concept. Here’s one that I’ve been thinking about due to some friends that are having financial trouble. “A man can struggle on his own until he gets back on his feet but a real woman wouldn’t let him.” As much as I write about the responsibility of men to step up and be better fathers, better husbands, better boyfriends, better friends… It’s a two way street. When that man has nothing and his life seems hopeless will you still want him?

If the answer to that question is yes know you have a good situation and it’s worth fighting for. When I was a kid my mom would get off work and throw on the most raggedly gown I’d ever seen in my life. This thing had seen way better days and my stepfather never said a thing about it. I couldn’t understand that until I grew up and realized after a point everyday isn’t MAC and Victoria’s Secret and 3 course meals. They’ll be bad days, stormy days and if you still want to be there… If you still feel like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world when she looks a mess. You can’t fight that.