“I’m Not Your Ex, I’m Not Your Father, I’m Me” Words Every Woman Should Hear and Feel

People are the sum of their experiences.

Let me say that again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

How can a man expect a woman to have faith in him if every man before him has let her down? Not specifically dating but in life. Imagine being a little girl and your father breaks your heart by not being there, making promises he didn’t keep. Imagine having brothers that you love to death and they didn’t protect you, used women, lied. These are her experiences with men and this is all before she even starts to date.

Women love on a level that men rarely do.

Women love on a level that’s selfless, there’s very few conditions past being loyal and nice. So think about it, you’re this woman that’s trying her best to be a good girlfriend or wife and what happens; your trust is broken.

So we’re talking men she’s grown up with letting her down and men she’s dated letting her down. I haven’t even touched on the guy friends. The ones that pretend they want friendship or the best for her and then when she gets a man or goes on a date he flips. Decides to bare his soul and hate her because she should have known he was in love.

So let me say it again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

That brings me to my original point, how does a man expect a woman to have blind faith in him when all she’s ever known is disappointment from men?

You can’t. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may feel as though she doesn’t know you. But the simple truth is, you’re going to have to show her. You’re going to have to keep being the man she wants but isn’t expecting. You can’t let pride get in the way.

If every guy she’s ever trusted has ran, not kept his word, she’s protecting herself. If her friends and family have experienced the same thing, she’s protecting herself. She’s thinking about what they’ve been through and what’s she’s been through. Maybe she sees something in you that scares her, that reminds her of men in her past.

Ease her mind, her fears, be the guy that shows her rather than argues with her.DSC_0341(1)@authordwhite on all social media platforms.

Men Don’t Have Biological Clocks That Tick But That Sense of Urgency A Week From Your Mid 30’s May Beat Here and There

I’m turniI feel young 34 in about a week and a half and though I don’t believe men have a biological clock I very much believe that men get to a point in their lives where they start to want to move forward. I used to write about wanting a son often in my earlier blogs years ago. I let social media bully and manipulate me into stopping.

“You’re thirst trapping with the whole nice guy routine.”

“If you wanted a good woman you could have had one by now.”

The list goes on and on. So I stopped. I stopped writing about wanting a wife and a son and the house with the neighbors my age and good public schools. Just because I stopped writing about those things doesn’t mean I don’t still very much want them. It doesn’t mean that with each day that passes by I don’t come to realization that I won’t have four or five children. I literally sit at my desk at five am and think to myself, “Self, you’ll need to get married in the next year and you’ll need your wife to get pregnant every year so that she isn’t 40 plus popping out babies that have a 50% chance of having birth defects.”

Do I have a biological clock that pounds a little harder every time I see a picture of a cute baby or see someone that shouldn’t be having children having them with ease? I doubt it but I do have a sense of urgency creeping up on me just as fast as the number 34 is.

Men and women have been profiting for ages trying to tell people what husband or wife material means. Writing definitions and standards that will lead you to the promise land of the alter and a perfect life. The truth is it’s all a lie. What you want is what you want and if that’s shallow and materialistic then that’s what it is. And if it’s beautiful and passionate then that’s what it is. Someone can be the ideal image of perfection to 93% of the world and to you they aren’t. You have to let them go because no matter how hard you try and convince yourself otherwise; you can never make apple juice out of lemons.

I’m not good at being friends with women. At least I wasn’t in the past. Maybe I flirted too much, maybe I made them feel as though they were more than friends. It could just be that I wasn’t a good friend myself and didn’t realize it. Either way what I’ve realized is that I need my wife to be that friend. I need to like her, I need to want to share good news with her. I need who she is as a woman to make me smile. I need to trust her above all else. Things I didn’t think about when I turned 30 or even 32.

My writing has shifted over the years. I don’t really give my opinion anymore about relationships and dating. I simply write about what I’m feeling or going through. Maybe someone reading will relate and find their voice in my words.

The surreal thing about life is that no matter what you tell yourself, no matter what you tell other people, you know the truth. And as cliché as it sounds, the truth will always set you free.

How Do You Make A Relationship Work? Go In the Other Room and Put Your Phone Down

fullsizerender1Whenever I write about relationships I tell people I’m no expert. I’m not the man that’s going to give you five steps on how to be this perfect man or how to find your perfect woman. I’m simply a guy that’s sharing my experiences and learning as I go. One thing I’ve learned more than anything this past year is that arguments will happen and it isn’t the arguments that hurt your relationship, it’s what happens after.

My girlfriend and I both have social media profiles, followings. What we say matters, not on a Kim and Kanye level but on a level that will have people interested or at the very least paying attention. What neither of us can do is let our emotion or passion or anger spread to the world of social media.

Early in our relationship she’d get mad at me and get all Meek Mill with the Twitter fingers and I had to sit her down and let her know that’s not okay. And when I was upset or frustrated it wasn’t okay for me to run to my blog and write about it. You know what is okay? Working out, going to take a nap, calling your sister or friend to vent.

There’s nothing impressive about holding grudges and resentment with someone you want to hold and kiss and laugh with. It doesn’t make you gangster depriving yourself of kisses and tacos because the person you’d cross an ocean for pissed you off. Let that hurt go, put that phone down, cool down and Netflix and Chill.

If you’re halfway attractive or interesting people will co-sign anything you say. So you’re mad and put out there, “I don’t understand why my man can’t accept that some days I don’t feel like cooking.” You get random guys commenting, “I’d cook for you every night.” “Your man is selfish.” These guys aren’t doing anything but being cheerleaders in hopes that they’re first in line if your relationship doesn’t work. Women are even worse because they’re 10 times more passive aggressive with their flirting, “I work all week and I can’t even get a night to myself, my girl is tripping.” What I didn’t mention is that maybe there were issues in the past where I didn’t earn her trust. Maybe the men I’m hanging out with don’t respect my relationship and she’s worried they’ll put me in a compromising position. Stay offline and take a nap. Wake up and talk to your him or her, you’d be surprised at how something you thought was minor hurt them more than you knew.

 

 

Don’t Call Her Insecure Unless You’re Willing to Call Yourself Insincere

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

What’s worse than being lied to? It’s having the feeling that you’re crazy. Some women call it intuition, some men call it having a feeling in your gut but it’s all the same for all of us. Those moments where you’re in the shower or driving to work and something just doesn’t feel right.

You can’t put your hand on it, you don’t have any real proof but whatever it is, is just nagging at you. A part of you wants to ask questions, investigate but you don’t want to be crazy. He’s already told you everything is okay, there’s nothing going on so why sabotage your own happiness?

As men and even women in some cases a well-placed or timed lie that you think does no harm makes all the sense in the world in that moment. “I don’t want to argue so let me just tell them what I think they want to hear.” The problem is maybe you can get away with one small lie but small lies often lead to bigger lies and now her insecurities are rooted in your insincerity. Insecurity and insincerity are like termites, constantly eating away and ripping at the foundation. On the outside everything looks fine, the house is clean and the dishes are put away but right beneath the surface is chaos.

In the past I’ve written about gender roles. Being a man isn’t about opening a door or buying dinner, of course those things will put a smile on her face but it’s more than that. Most women, regardless of how many articles or “love experts” tell you otherwise only want honesty. They only want you to be the man you were when they first met. They don’t want to have to guess at whether or not you’re going to be a different guy every day.

Making her feel like she’s crazy because she has doubts when you know you’ve given her reasons to have doubts is not cool. There’s a good chance you’ll lose her and is anything worth that?

~ Demez F. White

It’s Okay to Forgive Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

People often talk and write about forgiving others when they wrong you. Learning to take back control of your emotions, learning to trust and love again. You see it when fathers break the hearts of their children, you see it when men or women fall out of love with their spouses or lovers. Leaving them to pick up the pieces. It’s not an easy thing to learn to trust and live again.

This morning I want to write about another aspect of those scenarios though. I want to write about learning to forgive yourself when you do wrong to others.

I’ve treated people I loved badly, did things to hurt them. I’ve taken women I could have had great situations with for granted and watched them lose interest. Friendships have come to an end because of my pride and foolish idea of respect and what a man should be. I spent so much time trying to make these people understand I was sorry, trying to get back what I lost that I forget to forgive myself. All you can do, all any of us can do is say we’re sorry and ask for forgiveness or another chance. If that doesn’t happen: cry, scream, drink and if God can forgive you, then you can forgive you. You’ll never forget how you hurt them but remembering their hurt will allow you never to hurt anyone like that again.

Life is never going to be this black and white, right and wrong concept of humanity. This isn’t a Disney movie or romantic comedy. Life will and always will be lived in the grey. Doing the right thing often times isn’t the best thing for us. Sometimes to make one person happy or even yourself happy you’re going to have to hurt others. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an adult.

~ Demez F. White

Sunday Morning Thoughts: The Man vs The Writer

My cousin and I

My cousin and I

Good Morning World!!!

I am on the tail end of a really long work weekend and before I go home and crash I had some thoughts I needed to get out of my head.

Last night I had a really long and fruitful conversation with a friend, I’m saying last night, I should be saying this morning. She called my writing “fantastical” which is a real word by the way, who knew? What she meant by that was the way that I write isn’t who I am in real life. I took offense to that at first but the more she explained herself and the more I listened I realized she was right.

My writing takes place in a perfect world where situations always make sense and men and women are adults. I write about chivalry and responsibility and men taking women out on dates and paying for dates. I write about acceptance and understanding. Principles that I would like to think I live by, the problem comes in when people take my writing and apply it to everything I do and everything I am as a man on an everyday basis. That’s not fair because I’ve made mistakes. I’ll probably make mistakes in the future.

It’s not that I try to come off as perfect or having all the answers when I write. It’s that I want to set a higher standard and a lot of times that means I have to live up to those standards. I once went out with a woman and I had her meet me at Hooters. March Madness was on, it was a Friday, I thought it was going to be a good time, I knew she liked basketball and who doesn’t like wings? As we’re sitting there I could tell she was upset so I’m thinking in my mind if I did something to piss her off, instead of racking my brain I just asked her. She said, “You wrote an article about places a man should take a woman on a date. There was Top Golf, there was Hotel Sorella and there was some other really romantic place. Why are we at Hooters?” At that point I realized she couldn’t separate the writer from the man and that was my fault.

There has been so many times that in the middle of a conversation a woman has literally quoted something I said and shut me up because how do I argue with my own words? That’s the problem when you put your voice and thoughts out there, you run of risk of being a hypocrite if you aren’t the man you’re telling the world you are. I’ve written about loving women that are girly, dresses and heels not realizing that if I’m dating a woman that isn’t girly that could be offensive. I’ve written about the proper way to date when I’ve sent text asking women to go get a drink knowing two days earlier I said that men should call and schedule. I was held accountable and it made me better.

My Definition of Being a Man

Demez

Demez

I’m positive if you asked 100 men what their definition of being a man was you’d get 100 different answers. Some would sound alike and some might sound completely different. I was raised in a home with my grandmother and grandfather where the roles were traditional. That’s where I get my thinking. I don’t expect for everyone to agree with me, we were all raised differently. What makes me proud, what makes me feel as though I’m making my grandfather proud may not be who you are. As long as you take care of your family, respect those around you, can look a man in his eyes and be accountable. I can respect you.

Using My Hands– Being a man means you can use your hands. I’m a romance writer for the most part, I can accept that but that doesn’t stop me from being able to change a tire. That doesn’t stop me from being able to change a battery or wash a car.

If I hear something in the backyard or on the roof it’s my job to go out there and see what it is. If a mouse runs across the floor I can’t scream and jump on a chair with my girlfriend. I need to be the one to find it and kill it. This isn’t up for debate, being a man means certain things just need to be inherent in you.

Accepting Responsibility– Boys lie to avoid arguments. There are so many men that told women they had to work this weekend or that they didn’t have any money. “Hey babe, can we go out Saturday because all these restaurants are going to be so packed on Friday.” Being a man requires that you have uncomfortable conversations. I know plenty of guys that talk to several women, that doesn’t impress me. You want my respect, be the guy where each woman you date knows she isn’t the only one.

If you have a problem with another man, address him. Don’t get loud or gossip, pull him to the side when no one else is around and let him know what the problem is. Men respect straight forwardness. Social media has made men as catty as women. That’s not a trait my grandfather would be proud of.

Taking Care of Home– I don’t condone cheating, it happens, I won’t judge the men that do it. However, don’t take food or resources from home to accommodate your guilty pleasure. You have a woman on the side find another way to finance that. You like to go to the casino or buy games or shoes or clothes, do that with the money after you’ve brought groceries and paid bills and asked the people you live with if they need anything. There’s such a thing as “doing wrong right” and that means taking care of the people that will be there for you when you have nothing.

Don’t Forget Where You Come From– My generation has a habit of wanting to live like the rich and famous on an everyday budget. If you can afford to hire maids and servants and get your car washed and oil changed and have someone else cut your yard more power to you. If you can’t there’s nothing the matter with doing it yourself and being honest about it. I see it every day, people lying about where they come from or what they have. Be proud of what you have, don’t exaggerate because there will come a day when the truth will come out. Men understand this and accept where they are in life and appreciate each moment they rise.

Accepting Your Part– I’ve always said never trust a person that’s always the victim. Every relationship, date, job, family situation that goes wrong is never their fault. We all play a part when things go wrong. Being a man is owning the part you played and sometimes more. It won’t be fun having all that responsibility and blame placed on you when it wasn’t your fault but its what men do.