“I’m Not Your Ex, I’m Not Your Father, I’m Me” Words Every Woman Should Hear and Feel

People are the sum of their experiences.

Let me say that again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

How can a man expect a woman to have faith in him if every man before him has let her down? Not specifically dating but in life. Imagine being a little girl and your father breaks your heart by not being there, making promises he didn’t keep. Imagine having brothers that you love to death and they didn’t protect you, used women, lied. These are her experiences with men and this is all before she even starts to date.

Women love on a level that men rarely do.

Women love on a level that’s selfless, there’s very few conditions past being loyal and nice. So think about it, you’re this woman that’s trying her best to be a good girlfriend or wife and what happens; your trust is broken.

So we’re talking men she’s grown up with letting her down and men she’s dated letting her down. I haven’t even touched on the guy friends. The ones that pretend they want friendship or the best for her and then when she gets a man or goes on a date he flips. Decides to bare his soul and hate her because she should have known he was in love.

So let me say it again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

That brings me to my original point, how does a man expect a woman to have blind faith in him when all she’s ever known is disappointment from men?

You can’t. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may feel as though she doesn’t know you. But the simple truth is, you’re going to have to show her. You’re going to have to keep being the man she wants but isn’t expecting. You can’t let pride get in the way.

If every guy she’s ever trusted has ran, not kept his word, she’s protecting herself. If her friends and family have experienced the same thing, she’s protecting herself. She’s thinking about what they’ve been through and what’s she’s been through. Maybe she sees something in you that scares her, that reminds her of men in her past.

Ease her mind, her fears, be the guy that shows her rather than argues with her.DSC_0341(1)@authordwhite on all social media platforms.

If Your Woman Can’t Tell the Difference Between You Being Controlling or Assertive; You’re the Problem

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@artbysu via Twitter

What’s understood doesn’t have to be spoken in most instances but sometimes it’s good to offer reminders.

Women love tactfully aggressive and assertive men. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. The problem is too many men are trying to be assertive with women that have no interest in them. You’re mad she won’t return your good morning text when you should be texting good morning to a woman that actually wants you to text her.

When a woman likes you, I’m not even talking about love, but simply likes you. You can call her on Wednesday or Thursday and say, “I’m taking you out on Friday night, wear that black dress you wore to your bestfriends birthday dinner and I love your hair over your shoulder.” No woman that knows you’re a quality a guy is going to take that as controlling.

What I tend to see most is men feeling like women may not accept them taking the lead. You ask her out, tell her you’re going to surprise her and you take her to a Chinese spot when she’s allergic to MSG or an Italian spot and she can’t eat cheese. Unless she flat out told you and you forgot, it’s okay. That’s why you have backup plans, that’s why you can get a bottle of wine and go get a pizza and she won’t feel like she got dressed up for nothing because you’re understanding, good company and she’s wearing the black dress for you, not to be seen. Assertiveness does that for you. Not being sure about yourself, does nothing for you.

2017 has been the year of the engagement and it’s not even April yet. The one thing most of the men have in common is that they didn’t play it cool, they didn’t see her text and decide, “I’m going to look thirsty if I answer to quickly.” They didn’t text her five times asking, “WYD” hoping that she’d be the one to make the plans because he was afraid of rejection. You don’t need dating books to tell you one simple truth. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. You like her, initiate a conversation, find out who she is, what she likes and plan something off that conversation that you think she may enjoy. I can’t tell a man how to be a good husband but I can tell you how not to shoot yourself in the foot.

This picture isn’t really relevant to the story but I believe there’s something magical about couples celebrating brining a life into this world.

How Do You Make A Relationship Work? Go In the Other Room and Put Your Phone Down

fullsizerender1Whenever I write about relationships I tell people I’m no expert. I’m not the man that’s going to give you five steps on how to be this perfect man or how to find your perfect woman. I’m simply a guy that’s sharing my experiences and learning as I go. One thing I’ve learned more than anything this past year is that arguments will happen and it isn’t the arguments that hurt your relationship, it’s what happens after.

My girlfriend and I both have social media profiles, followings. What we say matters, not on a Kim and Kanye level but on a level that will have people interested or at the very least paying attention. What neither of us can do is let our emotion or passion or anger spread to the world of social media.

Early in our relationship she’d get mad at me and get all Meek Mill with the Twitter fingers and I had to sit her down and let her know that’s not okay. And when I was upset or frustrated it wasn’t okay for me to run to my blog and write about it. You know what is okay? Working out, going to take a nap, calling your sister or friend to vent.

There’s nothing impressive about holding grudges and resentment with someone you want to hold and kiss and laugh with. It doesn’t make you gangster depriving yourself of kisses and tacos because the person you’d cross an ocean for pissed you off. Let that hurt go, put that phone down, cool down and Netflix and Chill.

If you’re halfway attractive or interesting people will co-sign anything you say. So you’re mad and put out there, “I don’t understand why my man can’t accept that some days I don’t feel like cooking.” You get random guys commenting, “I’d cook for you every night.” “Your man is selfish.” These guys aren’t doing anything but being cheerleaders in hopes that they’re first in line if your relationship doesn’t work. Women are even worse because they’re 10 times more passive aggressive with their flirting, “I work all week and I can’t even get a night to myself, my girl is tripping.” What I didn’t mention is that maybe there were issues in the past where I didn’t earn her trust. Maybe the men I’m hanging out with don’t respect my relationship and she’s worried they’ll put me in a compromising position. Stay offline and take a nap. Wake up and talk to your him or her, you’d be surprised at how something you thought was minor hurt them more than you knew.

 

 

I Was A Better Man Than Boyfriend; That Had to Change For My Relationship To Survive

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Once you grow up being a man is relatively easy. You keep your word as best as you can, you take care of the people you love, you go to work and try to live honorably. There will be times you don’t do everything perfectly but understanding that you messed up and trying not to make the same mistakes twice is what makes us better.
There may be times when you lose your job or your car is in the shop and you need help from your woman, that’s cool, we all go through things but you can’t make it a habit.

As far as I know, I’m a good man. My reputation professionally is solid, I keep my word, I love my family and I try to be the man that people expect me to be. The man I expect myself to be. It wasn’t until the first several months into my relationship that I realized being a good man didn’t mean I was being a good boyfriend. As a matter of fact, being a good man blinded me to the fact that I was on the fast track to becoming a horrible boyfriend or single again.

Being a good man is about having a certain level of pride and confidence that won’t allow you to lose. It’s about taking control and leading when you see there’s a void. It’s about doing what’s necessary. Relationships are about compromise. Pride and confidence are great traits but if you’re not yielding, you’re not willing to see her side. For so many years it was easy for me to walk away from situations knowing that even if I was wrong, I was right. How can you have that mindset in a relationship? You can’t.

Most men don’t know how to lead because we’ve never mastered the art of being led. We go into these relationships feeling like we should be the head of the house or the leader but leadership is earned, not given. Saying “I don’t know” or “can you help me” makes you just as effective of a partner or leader than saying, “I can do this on my own and she’s just going to have to get in line.” Being able to ask for help, being able to talk about past struggles or disappointments, being able to open up is what helped me be a better boyfriend.

So often we compare other people’s inadequacies in their relationships to our own. She tells me, “You don’t call and check on me enough, you don’t ever ask me how my day is going.” My response shouldn’t be, “It’s not like I’m cheating on you or I’m talking to other women. I’m at work, I’m busy. I know women that would love a guy that worked as much as me.” Being a man means you’re responsible to your obligations but what happens when you ignore being responsible for her heart? Being responsible for her feelings. A woman that’s willing to tell you what you’re not doing is a woman that’s still fighting for you.

Anyway, those are some early 2016 thoughts. I hope you all have a great year!

5 Ways I Survived My First 90 Days In A Relationship

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

For me being single meant enjoying life. I never found talking to someone for the first time and staying on the phone with them for two hours awkward. I loved dates and random happy hours and breakfast before work with someone I just met the day before. Going to Vegas for a fight and not having to answer to anyone was a really good feeling. Having a dozen female friends that I could randomly call or text wasn’t about me being a player or having options; It was about me just being me. I didn’t go looking for a relationship or a woman; it just happened. Fate just happened.

So for me it’s been a transition going from being the man that loved being single to the man that has come to love a woman. So here are the 5 ways I’ve survived the first 90 days of my relationship.

Five- LEARNING NOT TO FLIRT. When you’re single it’s called being charming, when you’re in a relationship, it’s called flirting. You want to know something I figured out within like the first couple weeks? Girlfriends don’t like when you flirt with pretty girls, online or in person. The weird thing about being single for five years is that flirting becomes second nature, giving compliments becomes second nature. I found myself doing it and not even realizing I was doing it. Now what do I do? I give myself a ten second pause before I comment on a picture or offer to buy a women’s lunch because her pencil skirt fits her like a glove.

Four- LETTING GO OF FRIEND-GIRLS. Now hear me out, I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends but what I am saying is that I had a lot of women in my life that I thought were friends and once they found out I was in a relationship those friendships sort of evaporated. Not because of romantic feelings or jealously but because I treated them more like dating buddies than friends. I flirted, I paid for meals, I was there at all times of the night or morning. Those women were amazing women but they weren’t conducive to being a good boyfriend because you can’t have all these deep connections floating around. Friends understand that, you have to cultivate friendships. Real ones, not the ones that are convenient.

Three- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Over the past three months I’ve realized something about myself. I lie a lot and I don’t like awkward conversations. Here I was thinking all this time that I was this blunt, forward, keeping it real guy. When I say a lie a lot, I lie about small things and those small things have the ability to add up really quick. Let me give you an example. Your girls asks you, “Babe, am I over here too much?” You want to say, “Yes, go home and give me a day to lie in my boxers and leave the house a mess and not shower and eat greasy foods without you fussing at me about being healthy.” Instead what do you say, “Of course not babe.” That’s a lie and those types of lies lead to petty arguments and trust issues. Just be honest, even when your first instinct is to lie. I’m not all the way there but I figure around the sixth month I’ll be a truth telling machine.

Two- CELLPHONES ARE MANIPULITIVE LITTLE JERKS. Look, no guy wants to be the guy that’s insecure or overly jealous and for the most part I’m not that guy but do you know who’s always getting in my head. Her cellphone!!! Her cellphone taunts me, it mocks me while I’m watching a game or eating dinner. I promise you it only lights up when I walk by it, it only “dings” when I mute the television and that ding echo’s throughout the house like a rooster on a crisp summer morning. I’ll see a text or Instagram comment and her phone whispers to me, “Who is that Mez?” “Just pick it up and see what she’s saying Mez?” “You aren’t doing anything she wouldn’t do Mez.” Being in a relationship doesn’t entitle anyone to touch someone’s phone. Don’t listen to them, cellphones are such jerks because once we get in relationships we stop giving them as much attention. So they want to sabotage us. JUST SAY NOT TO CELLPHONE PEER PRESSURE!

One- ACCEPTING YOU’RE NO LONGER SINGLE. This was the biggest one for me because this was the one that sets the standard for everything else on the list. Doing things like introducing her as your girlfriend when you’re out or letting her know when you’ll be out late with your boys. It’s okay to be considerate, it’s okay to make her feel like she matters more than other women. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been an adjustment of major proportions and I still have so much to adapt to and learn but what I do know is that my heart is in it so I’m willing to try.

Accountability Starts With Us: Five Ways We Need to Do Better

Martin/ Malcolm/ Barack

Martin/ Malcolm/ Barack

Whenever there’s a tragedy involving a young black man and a police officer or white man we as a community are outraged. We want justice, we want revenge, we want respect. Often times you have people saying, “What about black on black crime?” “What about what the victim did wrong?” In the heat of the moment asking those questions feels like you’re blaming the victim instead of uniting behind the victim.

This is the truth. We have to do better as a community and as a people. It’s really that simple. I’m not saying that officers or men that decide to play judge, jury and executioner shouldn’t be punished but what I’m saying is their ignorance may not ever change but our looking the other way has to. There is no difference from an 8 year old getting gunned down in Chicago or a 17 year old getting stabbed in New Orleans by a black man then there is a 18 year old getting murdered by a police officer. All of them are domestic terrorist.

Here are ten things that we as a community have to do better at or just do more of.

Five- We’re not directors or producers. There’s nothing cool about recording fights and sharing fights. If you see two people about to fight step in to stop it. Most of the time one person doesn’t want to be there anyway. Instead of five people with their camera phones out; how about we have five people calming the situation. When I see these videos I rarely see a white man holding the camera. I see us. It’s not funny to see a little girl get the hell beat of her while other people watch. Stop watching and recording and start stepping up.

Four- Read before you share. We live in a social media age where information flows so freely. Read! Don’t share a link if you haven’t given it five minutes. You’ll know fairly soon if it’s made up information. Don’t get so caught up in wanting to be first that you’re wrong. You share bad information and next thing you know a hundred people have shared that same bad information. That’s not cool nor is it beneficial to anyone. The news can be depressing, I get that but reading different news websites, watching videos. Learn what’s going on.

Three- Stop making excuses for people because you like them or love them. Wrong is wrong. If your favorite rapper goes out of his way to tell us that he’s really a gang member, that he really pimps hoes, that he’s really in the streets. All for the purpose of making sure we know his music is authentic, don’t be surprised when people look at him crazy when he is standing up screaming, “Just stop the violence!” The content you choose to put out is a reflection of you. You can rap without saying “Women aren’t about shit and I’m going to kill other black men.” It’s possible. We have to hold each other to higher standards.

Two- You can’t speak and write like you have no education online or in your text or when you’re talking to your friends and then expect to not have that carry over when you’re at work or writing something more official. It breaks my heart to see so many younger kids who can barely talk. Being articulate covers a lot of flaws. Being well spoken and making eye contact. Having confidence in what you’re talking about. It’s universal no matter your educational background or financial background. You can’t go around here calling women that look like you bitches and hoes and calling men that look like you niggas and think that’s okay. It’s not.

One- We are not each other’s enemy. When I have a disagreement with anyone on social media and I can see my words have been taken out of context or what I said was offensive. I apologize. If they say something out of line I try and understand their point and make them understand they could have said it better. It won’t always end with a smile and an understanding but it will always end in mutual respect. I come to work and have to deal with people that can be difficult. I have to worry about what will happen if I get pulled over even if I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want to fight with people that look like me, that I love. I want us to prosper together. To excel together.

This article isn’t me saying, “It’s our fault when other races or entities come for us.” This is me saying we can’t worry about them. We have to worry about ourselves and the more we build us up, the more we fix us, the less what they do affects us. Awhile back Don Lemon said that black men should get married and stop having children out of wedlock. That we should keep our communities clean and stop littering. That we have to speak better and pull our pants up and respect authority. People hate Don Lemon and CNN so they threw out the message with the messenger. Even though he was right. Go in Sunnyside, Southpark, 5th Ward, any other community that’s mostly African American and you’ll find beat up streets, trash. We have to start reporting people that are dumping illegally.

Don’t Give Boyfriends Husband Treatment <– Says Women Without Boyfriends

There’s no formula for being a good man or woman. Of course some traits are universal. Don’t be selfish, don’t lie, treat him or her like you want someone to treat your son or daughter. We can all agree that those general concepts make for healthier relationships. On the other hand what I’ve been reading a lot of lately is men telling women the following.

“Don’t give husband benefits to boyfriends.” I think that is a dangerous and costly way to look at a relationship. I spoke to a woman last night and we had a conversation about this. Giving someone 100% as their girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re giving them “wife benefits.” It means you’re giving your all because you need to see if this is really what both of you want.

I asked her simply, “Have you seriously dated anyone since your divorce?” Her response was something to this extent and I’m paraphrasing. “I have dated and they were all serious because if you don’t give 100% how can you expect a man to? This notion that you shouldn’t give your boyfriend husband treatment is crazy to me. If I go to his house and his fridge is a mess I’ll clean it out. If I’m spending the night I’ll buy better sheets. If he has a business and I see him working hard I’ll help him build it. You may call it treating him like my husband; I call it building a relationship and once I give my all and I see he isn’t ready for that or not giving his I can walk away with no regrets. I’m not saying we play house or do this indefinitely but I’m saying it works for me”

Often times when I write I try and be impartial but with this conversation I found myself agreeing with her logic because it’s a mindset I share. Do you know why they call it a courtship? It’s not only because the man is courting the woman but it’s also so that they can see what each other like, if they mesh. By giving all of yourself you aren’t really losing anything because it’s better than giving 50% and hoping that he or she knows there’s a prize at the end of the rainbow.

Another aspect we touched on is finances; because of her appearance a lot of men think that it’s about the money. “They see the car I drive or where I live and feel like, “She must be having a man take care of her,” not knowing that everything I have I worked for. I’ve dated guys that made six figures and were selfish and flashy and I’ve dated men that make twenty thousand and would give me their last. I make good money. Give me a man that makes 35k a year and it’s our 35k over a man that makes 250k and he’s selfish. I don’t mistake frugal with cheap or selfish by the way. If you’re saving and have a plan; you don’t have to wine and dine and spoil me but if you can spend your resources on everything but me. Then I have a problem.”

Standards. Standards are different for every woman. Some women ask very little and some ask a lot. In her case it’s a mix but a mix that works for her. “If you can get up and be at meetings with your clients 45 minutes before they start. If you can make it to the airport and to the gym and be this man that’s constantly impressive you need to be impressive for me also. Don’t show up late or cancel dates and constantly expect me to understand when you never do that for other aspects of your life.”

If there’s anything I want people to get from this article and this conversation it’s this. There is nothing the matter with seeing clothes in a basket and asking him if they are clean and folding them. It doesn’t make you naive or silly to look in his fridge and see beer, takeout and something that used to be an apple in the back and saying, “Let me get this man some groceries or cook him a real meal.” If I’m outside and you show up and I hear your brakes or see your car is dirty, It’s not treating you like my wife to wash it or to check and see if your brake pads are stripped. It’s treating you like someone that’s important to me. This concept that we shouldn’t “Give boyfriends/ girlfriends husband/wife treatment is implying that being giving and selfless has to be reserved for a ring.first dance ring

– Demez F. White