Know the Difference Between Someone That Needs You; And Someone That Needs How You Make Them Feel

needYou ever felt unappreciated? Felt like you weren’t valued? I’m assuming we’ve all felt that way at one point in our lives. You’re doing everything you can for whatever situation you’re in and sometimes all you need is a, “I’m proud of you,” or an “I see the work you’re putting in.” When it never comes it can be demoralizing. You start to stop working as hard as you were because you feel like no one is noticing. And then it happens, someone comes along and compliments you. Tell you you’re doing a great job. They tell you everything you’ve been wanting and needing to hear and it warms you.

You go from feeling alone and lonely to feeling like someone sees you. You start to crave that feeling, you start to need that feeling. It isn’t coming from the person or company or whatever you wanted it to come from but for now it’s better than nothing. For now it feels like it’s coming from Heaven. It’s like getting water when you thought you were about to drown. It’s like sitting by a warm fire when before there was nothing but snow.

When someone needs you, loves you, there is no comparison. There is no Walmart or Kroger’s brand that can take your place. There’s no, “Do you know how many men or women want me?” “Do you know how many men or women text me?” Because they don’t see anyone else, no one else will do. But when someone simply needs how you make them feel, there’s always an alternative. Always someone they can call if only for one ride home from work. There’s always a text they can send and then delete like it never happened. They aren’t going on dates or lying but that feeling they need to feel; it doesn’t have to be you. That’s how you know.

I hate when people call me a good man. This isn’t the point in the article where I need people to comment, “but you are a good man.” That’s not why I wrote that. I hate when people say it because how can I be a good man with some of the things I’ve done? Some of the ways I’ve treated people? Some of the lies I’ve told? Does a year? Two years? Six months of redemption wash away the sins of my past? I’m not sure I’ll ever truly be a good man but I am sure I won’t stop trying. And I won’t let anyone make me feel as though it’s ever too late.

Don’t let people use you for your goodness because once they have what they want. They would have gotten what they needed and you’re back at square one.

~ Demez

You Don’t Have to Put Her Down to Lift Her Up

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_n I don’t often talk in absolutes but this is the one instance I will. Some of us are really bad at being adults. What does that mean? We don’t know how to be mature and view things from the standpoint of “Everything isn’t about me.”

If you’re the type of man that has to put down the woman you used to claim to love in order to make another woman feel better about herself than the simple truth is you probably aren’t capable of loving the woman you’re putting her down for. Some relationships aren’t going to work. No matter how hard we try or how much we want it; they just don’t happen. That doesn’t mean that the love that existed between the two of you vanished. So telling the world how much he or she sucks or is worthless says more about you than the person you’re trashing.

I’ve seen people that were head over heels in love with someone in December talk about them like a dog in February. I’ve seen people that couldn’t stop letting us know when they were on a plane together or at their favorite restaurant look at that same person in disgust. When breakups first happen, they hurt like hell. There’s resentment, anger, jealously, rage, depression but at some point the sun is going to come out. That’s when you have to decide whether or not you’re going to move on.

Putting down someone us to let another person know how dope they are just isn’t cool and ask yourself one question. Should the foundation that you have with her be based on what you didn’t have with someone else?

One Year Later; I Still Suck At Being A Boyfriend

Bell and I I’m not sure if I’ll be a good husband, I’m not even sure I will be a good father. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m a great man but I know for a fact I’m not a great boyfriend. I can be cold when I need to be caring, I can be quiet when I need to talk. I can be loud when I should be listening. I could go on forever but you get it.

Through all of that this woman has put up with it. Put up with it is the wrong word, she’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend but she loves me regardless.
Let me say that again. She’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend and she loves me regardless.

There were a lot of post yesterday about love and relationships. Engagements and admiration. This is my truth. I have never argued as much with anyone about anything than I have argued with this woman this past year. I have never had so many memorable moments and so many moments that I wanted to take back. We haven’t lived a fairytale where I’ve been Prince Charming but most importantly; we haven’t given up on each other because we see the value in each other.

We’ve walked hand in hand on foreign beaches watching the sun rise and we’ve driven 45 minutes not speaking to each other for some of the pettiest reasons you can imagine. There’s been private ballrooms at Perry’s and then there was nights were there were gourmet hot dogs with sliced bread and those wieners that have 23 different types of meats in them. Happiness isn’t perfect moments and perfect chemistry because life can never be those things all the time. Happiness is knowing that a Walking Dead Marathon and cheap wine are just as special as the best steak in the world because it’s about the time spent more than anything.
Yesterday marked one year of me being a horrible boyfriend.

And you want to know something, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world! You can have your perfect love stories with your perfect scripts and I’ll take chaos, passion, hope, talent and endurance.

She’s an incredibly dope woman that will do incredibly dope things and I’m just happy I have a front row seat for it.

5 Reasons Relationships Struggle in the Selfie Generation

Social media validation is the equilivant to buying a stock that feels really hot and trendy but has no actual value. You can post a picture that has 200 likes but are those 200 likes from strangers and associates more valuable than a genuine compliment from one man that adores you? As a man I can post, “I cooked too much food and hate eating alone,” and get a woman or two messaging me. Does that mean as much as texting my girlfriend I cooked her favorite meal? Seeking outside validation will eventually find you on the outside looking in. 

1. Nothing is private anymore. If people aren’t posting their issues online, they’re telling their friends or associates. The idea that what happens between a man and a woman should stay between a man and a woman has become as outdated as the Blackberry that sits in my desk drawer. 

2. “Likes” matter more than intentions. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone sends me a picture and 5 seconds later it’s online. The idea that everyone needs to see this opposed to just one person is engrained in out generation. 

3. Having standby relationship alternatives. Your man doesn’t call you enough, cool, I have a homeboy I can talk too. Your woman doesn’t cook enough, cool, I have a homegirl that always cooks enough to get me a plate. We invite options into our lives and then wonder why we don’t want to fight for something that could be great. 

4. Pretending gender roles don’t exist. There is an entire generation of women that don’t value being a lady. There is an entire generation of men that think it’s corny to spoil, court, take care of. 
  5. We’ve taken the value out of boyfriends and girlfriends. I’ve been guilty of this myself. One of my biggest blogs was entitled, “You’re Single Until You’re Married.” That’s not accurate. It’s okay to be faithful to a woman while you’re in a relationship. It’s okay to claim someone and not entertain people you know want you. Be a boyfriend, get her a dog, let her spend the night so you know what she’s like once she gets comfortable. And if it doesn’t workout, cool, you gave it your all.  

It’s Okay to Forgive Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

People often talk and write about forgiving others when they wrong you. Learning to take back control of your emotions, learning to trust and love again. You see it when fathers break the hearts of their children, you see it when men or women fall out of love with their spouses or lovers. Leaving them to pick up the pieces. It’s not an easy thing to learn to trust and live again.

This morning I want to write about another aspect of those scenarios though. I want to write about learning to forgive yourself when you do wrong to others.

I’ve treated people I loved badly, did things to hurt them. I’ve taken women I could have had great situations with for granted and watched them lose interest. Friendships have come to an end because of my pride and foolish idea of respect and what a man should be. I spent so much time trying to make these people understand I was sorry, trying to get back what I lost that I forget to forgive myself. All you can do, all any of us can do is say we’re sorry and ask for forgiveness or another chance. If that doesn’t happen: cry, scream, drink and if God can forgive you, then you can forgive you. You’ll never forget how you hurt them but remembering their hurt will allow you never to hurt anyone like that again.

Life is never going to be this black and white, right and wrong concept of humanity. This isn’t a Disney movie or romantic comedy. Life will and always will be lived in the grey. Doing the right thing often times isn’t the best thing for us. Sometimes to make one person happy or even yourself happy you’re going to have to hurt others. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an adult.

~ Demez F. White