One Year Later; I Still Suck At Being A Boyfriend

Bell and I I’m not sure if I’ll be a good husband, I’m not even sure I will be a good father. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m a great man but I know for a fact I’m not a great boyfriend. I can be cold when I need to be caring, I can be quiet when I need to talk. I can be loud when I should be listening. I could go on forever but you get it.

Through all of that this woman has put up with it. Put up with it is the wrong word, she’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend but she loves me regardless.
Let me say that again. She’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend and she loves me regardless.

There were a lot of post yesterday about love and relationships. Engagements and admiration. This is my truth. I have never argued as much with anyone about anything than I have argued with this woman this past year. I have never had so many memorable moments and so many moments that I wanted to take back. We haven’t lived a fairytale where I’ve been Prince Charming but most importantly; we haven’t given up on each other because we see the value in each other.

We’ve walked hand in hand on foreign beaches watching the sun rise and we’ve driven 45 minutes not speaking to each other for some of the pettiest reasons you can imagine. There’s been private ballrooms at Perry’s and then there was nights were there were gourmet hot dogs with sliced bread and those wieners that have 23 different types of meats in them. Happiness isn’t perfect moments and perfect chemistry because life can never be those things all the time. Happiness is knowing that a Walking Dead Marathon and cheap wine are just as special as the best steak in the world because it’s about the time spent more than anything.
Yesterday marked one year of me being a horrible boyfriend.

And you want to know something, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world! You can have your perfect love stories with your perfect scripts and I’ll take chaos, passion, hope, talent and endurance.

She’s an incredibly dope woman that will do incredibly dope things and I’m just happy I have a front row seat for it.

Stop Talking About What You Want In A Wife and Start Talking About What You Want To Be As A Husband

  It’s really easy to talk about what we want in someone. I want a woman that’s fine and smart and sexy and giving, etc. I want a woman that’s caring and beautiful and fashionable. What we forget though, what matters more than what we want is who we are and what we attract. 

That leads me to the point of this article. Instead of constantly talking about what you want; talk about what you want to be. We attract what we are, it’s that simple. It’s easy to say we have bad luck or attract the wrong people but that’s not the case. We give people the time of day because there’s something in them that we see in ourselves.

When I think about the type of husband I want to be I don’t think about what my future wife would want or be attracted to. I think about what type of woman would be attracted to the man I’m becoming; the man I am. Part of being a good husband or boyfriend is becoming a good man first. Not how I look with my shirt off or my ambitions as a provider but having the type of soul, standards, morals and heart that will stand adversity. Six packs become kegs, wavy hair becomes a receding hairline. A great job becomes Exxon Mobil laying off a 1000 people on a Tuesday. Commitment has to be deeper than that. Commitment has to lie at the heart of the man you are. 

This isn’t the point where I rattle off a list of traits and characteristics where women ohh and ahh. This isn’t the point where I take shots at other men they still have a lot of growing to do in their relationship. This is the point where I say, “Just because you fall short today doesn’t mean you can’t stand tall tomorrow. Just because you aren’t the man or woman you’d want your son or daughter to marry tonight; that doesn’t mean you can’t be that man or woman two months from now.” The reason couples seem so perfect today and they’re divorced tomorrow is because they dated, fell in love with and married representatives. You can’t bare your soul to a representative. Look inside yourself and there you will find the reflection of who it is you want in your heart. 

Where Are You When I Need You?

20140822-233539.jpg Where Are You When I Need You?

Dear Future Wife,

I’ve never been afraid to start over. I’ve never been reluctant to cut all ties and start from scratch. It always hurts in the beginning, the isolation, the loneliness but over time you gain back what you lost.

The thing is though I’m tired of starting over. I don’t want to do it anymore. It gets harder and harder to bounce back from the disappointments.

You need to be here. Like right here, right now. Sitting in the couch with me, your head on my shoulder. Watching Netflix, snoring lightly while I alternate from looking at you and looking at the television. You need to be here because I need you.

I’m not comfortable saying that by the way, I’m not comfortable saying I need anyone. Someone I trusted, really trusted, lied to me. It made me realize just how alone I am in this world.

Show up at my door with Chinese and whiskey and cute sweats. Tell me you love me and you just want to be here for me. I need to hear that right now.

~ Demez F. White

Calming Her Nightmares

naked-thighs.jpg“I had a bad dream.”

With the time change the sun was up when our alarms clocks were going off, that was still taking some getting used to. So the fact that it was still dark outside let me know it was incredibly early. She was sitting at her vanity doing her touching up her nails, the only light was the recess that hung over the station.

She walked back to the bed, bra and panties on, her silk robe open.

“I couldn’t sleep, I had a bad dream.”

I was still half asleep myself trying to adjust to the light, trying to shake the cobwebs. She looked showered and fresh so I’m thinking she’s been up for awhile. I sat up, the cold hitting my bear chest.

“Come here.” She just stood there looking sad, I moved the covers and stood up to stretch. I couldn’t tell if I was hard because it was morning or because of the way she was looking in the morning but this wasn’t the morning for that.

“I know you’re still half sleep, get some rest before you have to get up.” She knew I was up now.

“Come here girl and sit down.” I patted the side of the bed, the sat down. I got on my knees in front of her. Kissed her knee and placed my head in her lap. She rubbed my hair and for a minute we sat just like that.

“Tell me about the dream.”

There was a comfort in sitting with her, a comfort in just listening. A piece of mind that came with touching her.

“I had a dream you didn’t come home.” I smiled, she couldn’t see it but she hit me none the less.

“Shut up! I’m serious. I cooked dinner and I put on that dress you love and I waited and waited and you never walked thru the door. I called you, I sent text, I called your office. And I just waited and waited. I know this sounds silly but I felt like you were dead, it felt so real baby.”

I wasn’t laughing anymore, she was a lot of things but she wasn’t easily shook. I looked up and she was crying, not hard tears but tears none the less. I wiped one way but let the others fall, I kissed them and then I kissed her.

A light kiss on the lips.

“I’m not going anywhere, you should know that by now. I’m happy and I hope you’re happy. I love you and sometimes bad dreams just have a way of creeping us out. The next time you have one, just wake me up.”

She kissed me on the forehead, “You were sleeping so peacefully, when I tried to get out of bed you wouldn’t let me go. At first I thought you were playing around but when I looked back you were sound asleep holding on to me.”

I stood up at the sound of our alarm clocks going off, “that should tell you all you need to know then. If I’m not going to let you go in my sleep, why would I let you go in reality? I’m going to take a shower, you coming?”

“Of course I’m coming, I need you to get my mind off this dream. And I love you too!”

Seeing Tomorrow Today…

imagesCAC5JOYD14 December 2018

 When you love someone, really love them, when your world revolves around their sun you can never talk about them enough. Everything they do is cute to you, every move they make is sexy, every frown makes you laugh. They can do no wrong because that love negates any negative thoughts. Five years ago I was sitting at my computer, a drink on my desk, my phone in my lap. Writing and thinking how it didn’t really feel like Christmas. Today I’m flirting and smiling on a cool winters night with the woman that has not only changed my life but given me life. Renewing vows just so I can tell the world how special she really is one more time. A hundred people holding a candle, all the trees lit up with lights, a three piece string set playing Adele in the background. I put my hand on her stomach and kneeled down, “I love your mom more than anything, be good tonight little one, I love you too.” 2012 seemed like yesterday…

“You do know people don’t normally celebrate five year anniversaries with vowel renewals right?”

“What I know is that if they were married to you they would.”

She was standing in the pavilion, looking outside at the dozens of trees lit up with Christmas lights. At the hundreds of people standing on their feet with candles in their hands. She was right, people didn’t normally have these sorts of celebrations so soon but I wasn’t them. I’d waited too long to pretend like every second wasn’t the best second of my life when she smiled at me.

“You don’t know that author. Look at me; you just want me barefoot and pregnant.” I couldn’t help but laugh at her choice in words. She wasn’t really showing at three months and her feet were far from bare. I didn’t know what they cost but if I checked our credit card statement I was sure I’d gasp.

“You’re like 3 months and this is only the second baby.”

“Only the second baby? Boy please! That spoiled son of yours is bad enough, I hate to see what this little girl is going to have you doing. And there are no more babies after this, two is enough. One for me and one for you.”

She had to laugh herself at her bravado. I didn’t know who was more excited about finding out she was pregnant, me or her. “Don’t put this on Facebook or I’ll kill you! I want to put it on my page first this time!” I couldn’t help but laugh because she was dead serious. I loved that about her.

“If she looks like you, no matter how she looks, I just can’t imagine saying no to her.”

“So I’ll end up being the bad parent. Hell no! I do that with Julian. With her I’m going to be the fun mom and you can be the one making her go to bed.”

“You really want to have this conversation when we’re about to confess our love for the second time in five years to about a hundred friends and family?”

How was I supposed to be the bad parent with a little girl that looked exactly like her? That wasn’t even going to be possible. I rarely told her no and when I did I felt like shit so to do it with someone that was innocent and a mixture of us both wasn’t really possible or logical but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

“They’re just here for the free food and drinks, they can wait. Now… Are you going to be the bad parent or do you want to go the next seven months looking but not touching?”

I grabbed her around the waist and pinned her against me.

“You wouldn’t do that… you’re a freak.”

She kissed me and bit my ear.

“Shut up! But you love this freak.”

“That I do, let’s do this.”

Five years ago she walked down the aisle and I waited on her at the altar. Tonight we would walk down the aisle together, hand in hand, husband and wife. Our son walking in front of us, our daughter walking with us.

Five years ago I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Tonight I knew it was all worth it.

Just A Dream

I had a dream about my son last night. He was sitting in my lap on the couch laughing. I can’t tell you what he was laughing at.

What I remember most was how his hair smelled. Like that baby shampoo that all babies should smell like. He was fully dressed and his mom came in the room and picked him up.

She kicked me playfully and said, ‘You’re going to spoil him.’ But what I noticed is that she didn’t put him down. She fussed over his thick curly hair and brushed some cookie crumbs off his clothes. Kissed him on his cheeks.

‘You’re going to make my son a mamas boy!’ She kissed me and he hit my face and started laughing.

She laughed, ‘He doesn’t want you kissin is mama!’ The diaper bag, the purse, her shades. I remember things that I shouldn’t remember. It felt too real to be a dream.

The taste of her lip gloss, the smell of his hair, the sound of their laughs. Am I losing my mind? Or are my dreams just driving me crazy.

The dream ended with them walking out the door and my sitting at a computer. When I woke up I fully expected to look over and see them there. But it was just a dream…